Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for Splitsville, don't check your partner's phone — check their face.
A one-sided mouth raise — that subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one red flag for divorce, according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted.
His research, which was recently dissected on the hit Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships.
But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death.
'Dr. John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard.
'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued.
And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6% accuracy,' Van Edwards added.
Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs.
'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said.
'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.'
She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.'
Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on.
'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said.
'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.'
She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realize it.
'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised.
'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.''
Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.'
He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain.
Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behavior he says screams contempt louder than words ever could.
So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life?
Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic.
Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face.
Originally published as Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Perth Now
08-05-2025
- Perth Now
How to keep the romance alive after welcoming a baby
My partner and I are new parents, and the stress of raising a baby is putting a strain on our relationship. We're exhausted, constantly bickering, and struggling to stay connected. How can we keep our relationship strong while adjusting to this new chapter? Congrats! Welcoming a baby into your lives is one of the most profound transitions a couple can experience. It's joyful, exhausting, and, at times, incredibly overwhelming…my 'babies' are now teens and I can't begin to tell you how quickly that has gone! Suddenly, sleep becomes a distant memory, your conversations revolve around feeding schedules and nappy changes, and the romantic spark you once had feels buried under a mountain of laundry. If you're finding it hard to stay connected as new parents, you are far from alone. A landmark study by the Gottman Institute found that 67% of couples experience a significant decline in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of parenthood. But here's the good news: it doesn't have to stay that way. The key is recognising that this phase is tough, yet temporary, and taking small but intentional steps to protect your connection along the way. The first thing to acknowledge is that you're both under a lot of pressure. Exhaustion, hormonal changes, shifting roles, and sheer lack of time can make even the strongest couples feel off-kilter. It's normal. What's important is how you respond to this season. Instead of waiting for the 'perfect moment' to reconnect (spoiler alert: it may not come for a while), create tiny moments of connection where you can. A six-second kiss, a five-minute cuddle on the couch, or even just holding hands while your baby naps can all help reinforce your bond. Communication is another vital ingredient. It's easy to fall into a routine where all your conversations are about the baby or the house. So, carve out time, even if it's ten minutes at the end of the day, to check in with each other emotionally. Ask things like, 'How are you really doing?' or 'What's something that made you smile today?' These little questions remind you that you're still partners, not just co-parents. Sharing the load is also crucial. One partner shouldn't feel like they're carrying the emotional or physical burden alone. According to a 2022 Australian study on parental wellbeing, couples who report a balanced division of responsibilities experience 40% less conflict in the first year of parenting. Talk about what feels fair and be open to adjusting as your needs evolve. Remember, it's not about keeping score, it's about supporting each other as a team. As strange as it may sound, scheduling intimacy or alone time is not only okay, it's often necessary. The spontaneity of pre-baby days might be on hold for now, but that doesn't mean intimacy has to disappear. Even planning a 'mini date night' at home once a week…pizza, PJs, and a movie, can help bring back some romance and fun. Finally, give yourselves grace. This chapter is a rollercoaster, and you won't always get it right. Some days will be magical; others will be messy. What matters is that you're choosing to show up for each other, even in the chaos. At the end of the day, being a parent is one role you play, but being partners is the foundation that holds it all together. Because after all, the love you have may look different now, but with care and commitment, it can grow into something even deeper. Your bestie, Amanda x Amanda Lambros is a sexologist and relationship coach with almost two decades of experience who takes pride in her 'no b-s' approach to solving your problems. She is also a certified speaking professional and has written several books on relationships, health and business which have sold more than 150,000 copies. Do you have a question for Amanda? Email heybestie@ (don't worry, we won't publish your name!)
News.com.au
25-04-2025
- News.com.au
Marriage psychologist reveals number 1 sign you're heading for divorce
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for divorce, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — a subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one sign your relationship is doomed, according to renowned psychologist Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death, the New York Post reports. 'Dr John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6 per cent accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realise it. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behaviour he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face.
Sky News AU
24-04-2025
- Sky News AU
Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for Splitsville, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — that subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one red flag for divorce, according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the hit Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death. 'Dr. John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6% accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realize it. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behavior he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face. Originally published as Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
