Latest news with #FourHorsemenoftheApocalypse
IOL News
26-05-2025
- General
- IOL News
The Four Horsemen of divorce: insights from love researchers to save your relationship
It's natural to feel frustrated occasionally in a relationship. However, when typical grievances evolve into harmful criticism, the bond between partners can suffer. Image: Diva Plavalaguna /pexels If you and your partner struggle to communicate, you're not alone. Relationships can feel like an uphill battle when arguments pile up and moments of connection become rare. Maybe it feels like there's no way to break the cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and frustration. But what if the key to saving your relationship lies in avoiding a few critical pitfalls? Love researchers John and Julie Gottman, founders of the renowned Gottman Institute, have studied relationships for decades. Their research has identified four destructive communication habits they call the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" of relationships. Video Player is loading. Play Video Play Unmute Current Time 0:00 / Duration -:- Loaded : 0% Stream Type LIVE Seek to live, currently behind live LIVE Remaining Time - 0:00 This is a modal window. Beginning of dialog window. Escape will cancel and close the window. Text Color White Black Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Background Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Opaque Semi-Transparent Transparent Window Color Black White Red Green Blue Yellow Magenta Cyan Transparency Transparent Semi-Transparent Opaque Font Size 50% 75% 100% 125% 150% 175% 200% 300% 400% Text Edge Style None Raised Depressed Uniform Dropshadow Font Family Proportional Sans-Serif Monospace Sans-Serif Proportional Serif Monospace Serif Casual Script Small Caps Reset restore all settings to the default values Done Close Modal Dialog End of dialog window. Advertisement Next Stay Close ✕ If left unaddressed, the presence of behaviours such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt can predict divorce with an accuracy exceeding 90%. Understanding and addressing these behaviours could help you build a healthier, happier partnership. Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated. Image: Alex Green/ Pexels 1. Criticism: The habit of attacking your partner We all get frustrated sometimes, but when normal complaints turn into toxic criticism, it can damage your relationship. Criticism targets your partner's character rather than focusing on the specific issue at hand. For example: 'You never listen to me. You always care more about your friends than me.' Words like 'never' and 'always' generalise and make your partner feel attacked, leading to defensiveness (another horseman). Instead, try constructive communication. Focus on how you feel and what you need: 'I feel hurt when I don't feel heard. Can we set aside time to talk?' By avoiding blame and emphasising your feelings, you can bring up concerns without turning them into a personal attack. 2. Defensiveness: The shield that blocks accountability When your partner brings up a problem, do you find yourself immediately defending your actions? Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflict and prevent resolution. Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated. Instead of reacting defensively, speaking with relationship coach Kim Polinder suggests taking the '1% test': Ask yourself: 'Is there even 1% truth in what they're saying?' If so, acknowledge it: 'You're right, I should have planned better. I'm sorry.' This small step toward accountability can create space for empathy and problem-solving. 3. Stonewalling: The silent shutdown Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally withdraws during an argument. Maybe they stop responding, physically turn away, or leave the room entirely. While it might seem like they're trying to avoid escalating the fight, this shutdown only deepens the divide. Stonewalling often happens when someone feels overwhelmed. According to the Gottmans, it's critical to recognise when you or your partner needs a timeout to de-escalate tension. However, taking a break doesn't mean ignoring the issue. Take deep breaths, listen to music, or go for a walk to calm your emotions. Image: cottonbro studio/pexels
News.com.au
25-04-2025
- General
- News.com.au
Marriage psychologist reveals number 1 sign you're heading for divorce
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for divorce, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — a subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one sign your relationship is doomed, according to renowned psychologist Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death, the New York Post reports. 'Dr John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6 per cent accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realise it. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behaviour he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face.
Sky News AU
24-04-2025
- General
- Sky News AU
Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for Splitsville, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — that subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one red flag for divorce, according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the hit Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death. 'Dr. John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6% accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realize it. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behavior he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face. Originally published as Marriage psychologist reveals the first sign of a future separation - with 94 per cent accuracy
New York Post
23-04-2025
- Entertainment
- New York Post
Marriage psychologist reveals the no. 1 sign of a future separation — with 94% accuracy
If you want to know whether your marriage is heading for Splitsville, don't check your partner's phone — check their face. A one-sided mouth raise — that subtle smirk of superiority — might just be the number one red flag for divorce, according to renowned psychologist Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and mastermind behind one of the most extensive marriage studies ever conducted. His research, which was recently dissected on the hit Unplanned Podcast, found that four nasty little habits — criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling — are deemed the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' when it comes to dooming relationships. 4 Think your spouse's smug little smirk is harmless? Think again — that one-sided mouth raise could be the biggest red flag for divorce, says famed psychologist Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute and the brains behind one of the largest marriage studies ever. JustLife – But it's contempt, experts warn, that is the true kiss of death. 'Dr. John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards recently told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced — because he's looking for contempt,' she continued. And he knows his stuff. 'Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6% accuracy,' Van Edwards added. Contempt, Van Edwards explained, is the most corrosive of all the emotional saboteurs. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 4 Dr. Gottman's research — spotlighted on the buzzy Unplanned Podcast — warns of four marriage wreckers so toxic they've earned the nickname 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse': criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. zinkevych – 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows.' She went on, noting, 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' Van Edwards suggests that if you catch a whiff of contempt — either from yourself or your partner — it's time to tackle it head-on. 'Ask, 'What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it.' Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' She also believes many couples get stuck in endless loops of the same three arguments — they just don't realize it. 4 If contempt creeps in — whether it's from you or your better half — body language guru Vanessa Van Edwards says it's a red alert: time to shut it down before it blows up. eakgrungenerd – 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments,' she advised. 'That way, when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 — we're in a stalemate on this one.'' Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer backed up Gottman's findings in a 2019 article, writing, 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' He cited telltale signs like eye-rolling, mouth crimping — even subtle fidgeting, like picking at clothes or cleaning fingers mid-convo — as silent signals of disdain. 4 Clinical psychologist Dr. David M. Schneer doubled down on Gottman's theory in a 2019 piece, saying disgust and contempt in a relationship are like tossing gasoline on a fire. bongkarn – Schneer dubbed this move 'The Lint Picker,' a behavior he says screams contempt louder than words ever could. So, how do you douse the flames before they torch your love life? Schneer recommends cracking a joke, switching the topic to something you both enjoy, or simply walking away to cool off if the situation gets too toxic. Love may be blind, but contempt? It's written all over your face.
Daily Mail
23-04-2025
- Entertainment
- Daily Mail
Psychologist names the number one predictor of divorce: 'It is 93.6 per cent accurate every time'
A leading psychologist has revealed the four toxic behaviours that can destroy a relationship - and one small facial expression that could be a clear predictor of divorce. Dr John Gottman, a marriage and family counsellor and founder of the Gottman Institute, conducted one of the largest long-term studies on relationships ever undertaken. Through his extensive research, he identified criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling as the key conversation patterns that consistently ruin romantic relationships - calling them the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.' His research became the centre of a conversation on the popular Unplanned Podcast, where body language expert Vanessa Van Edwards told hosts Matt and Abbey Howard that Gottman could predict divorce with an astonishing 93.6 per cent accuracy, just by watching a silent video of a couple. 'Dr John Gottman is a marriage and family counsellor, and he did the largest marriage experiment ever done,' she explained. 'He brought couples into his lab, and if one member of the couple shows a one-sided mouth raise towards the other, he can tell you if they're going to get divorced - because he's looking for contempt.' According to Van Edwards, contempt is the most dangerous of the four behaviours because it lingers. 'Fear comes in a burst, and then you calm down. Happiness comes, and then you go back to normal. Anger comes, and then you calm down,' she said. 'But not contempt. If you feel scorn or disdain for someone else, and if it is not addressed, it festers and it grows. 'That is why at the end of a marriage you have two people who can't even look at each other.' She urged listeners to be on alert for signs of contempt and recommended a direct approach to diffusing it before it takes hold. 'Ask, "What's going on? Are you okay? What are you feeling? I want to be here for it." Because then you're giving air to whatever that contempt is so that it can be addressed,' she said. 'And then you can either fix it or become the enemy against it.' Van Edwards also shared her belief that all couples have the same three arguments, and learning to identify them can defuse tension before it escalates. 'You have to sit with your partner and figure out what are your basic root-level three arguments. 'That way when you're in an argument, even if you feel like you still disagree, you can say 'this is argument number 2 - we're in a stalemate on this one',' she said. In a 2019 article, Dr David M. Schneer of The Merrill Institute echoed Gottman's warnings, stating: 'Disgust and contempt are to a relationship what gasoline and matches are to a fire.' Dr Schneer outlined the subtle but unmistakable signs of contempt, from eye-rolling to mouth crimping. The professional also called attention to the 'Lint Picker' - someone who fidgets with their clothes or cleans their fingers while you're speaking, silently signalling disdain. He offered several strategies for de-escalating contempt, including: changing the topic to something more pleasurable, seeking common ground, using humour to lighten the mood. Dr Schneer also suggested disengaging entirely if the situation turns toxic. While love may be built on trust and communication, experts agree that it can be quietly undone by the creeping presence of contempt, often visible long before a single word is spoken.
