Being a misery guts is bad for your health: Here's how to be more cheerful

Telegraph

15-03-2025

My great aunt Grace, who was riddled with the debilitating curse of rheumatoid arthritis, used to say, 'What have I got to smile about when holding a cup of tea is more painful than grabbing a hornet's nest!' Fair.
But being pessimistic isn't just about feelings, there is a physiological correlation too. Experts believe that chronic complaining rewires the brain for negativity, so the more you gripe about things, the more the neural pathways associated with negative thinking are strengthened.
Sandrine Thuret, a professor of neuroscience at King's College London, says: 'As we age the production of new brain cells lessens, particularly in the hippocampus [the part of the brain that is responsible for learning, memory, mood and emotion]. This slow down can impact behaviour, resulting in a person being less positive in their day to day life. However, the good news is that you can increase your production of brain cells even during ageing, for example with a healthy diet and exercise, as shown in a 2022 large European study including 400 participants over the age of 60.'
If you've seen Mike Leigh's latest, and typically stark, film Hard Truths, you'll recognise that the main character Pansy is one hell of a fault-finder. She is angry, vociferous, bitter, and clearly depressed. There are few who can (or want) to get near her ('People, can't stand them!' she barks).
But this rejection of others is the nub of her tragedy. You see, the more someone carps on about their grievances, the less likely they are to connect with others and so the lonelier they become. Plus, there are a number of studies which cite loneliness as a significant risk factor for life-threatening diseases, while other research links loneliness with dementia. Analysis conducted by the Florida State University College of Medicine, published in Nature Mental Health in October 2024, revealed that individuals reporting feelings of loneliness had a 31 per cent higher risk of developing dementia.
Don't dismiss moaners too quickly
It's all too easy to wag a finger at this elderly demographic, says Caroline Abrahams, charity director at Age UK. And the idea that older people complain more than other groups is an ageist stereotype, she says. 'Certainly though, as we age, we may well have to confront some big challenges, so it's not surprising depression and other mental health problems are quite common among older people. Our research shows that 75 per cent of people aged 65 and over have experienced significant anxiety or low mood at least once since turning 65.
Unfortunately, many are reluctant to seek help and sometimes doctors wrongly dismiss mental ill health as an inevitable feature of getting older.'
Older people struggle to talk about their mental health
Rose, 71, made a radical decision to see a therapist last year after her daughter encouraged her to get support. 'I lost my husband two years ago, and my own health isn't great,' Rose says. 'I spend a lot of time on my own and it can be unbearably boring and lonely. Although my daughter comes to visit once a week, there are so many empty hours in-between. I was feeling increasingly resentful about the situation and I took it out on her by being snappy and moody.
'I'd never considered therapy, it seemed like something other people do, but my daughter thought it might help me work out some of my complaints. I've had six sessions now and I'm more able to see the difference between simply letting off steam and falling down a critical, negative spiral of destructive ranting. We all know life gets tougher as we age, but being a complete killjoy is only going to alienate me more.'
In a recent interview, Philippa Perry, an author and psychotherapist, underlined the dangers of isolation. 'People isolate too much,' she said. 'And then they don't have the checks and balances of normal human interaction – you know what I think and feel about you because you can see it mirrored in my face, and you're doing the same for me. And if we don't get that, I think we go a bit crazy.'
Age means we can become that little bit more invisible, finding ourselves sidelined by the next generation who are bouncier, brighter and burgeoning. If slipping into the shadows doesn't seem like an appealing prospect, it might be time to rewrite your narrative.
The problem with looking back
As we move into our latter years, there can be an inclination to look back and dwell on the what-ifs, rather than the future – especially as the time left to us is eroding fast. Helen Kewell, a counsellor specialising in ageing and mental health at the end of natural life, understands that losses can stack up thick and fast as we age. 'Of course it's tempting to be negative,' she concedes. 'Who wouldn't? But this is often related to deeper feelings such as unspoken anger, fear or grief. If a person can voice these feelings and understand where they are coming from, they can go on to live – even at this late stage of life – in a very meaningful way.'
Kewell agrees that older folk can easily be disregarded, and in a world that is moving on incredibly fast, they may feel like they are being left behind. 'Speaking up is a way of being noticed. But doing this in a constructive way gets you seen and heard and is, ultimately, empowering.'
My late mother-in-law left us a legacy of her wise words and spirited attitude; she remains my inspiration as someone who nurtured an excellent older age mindset. Way into her late 80s, whenever we went to visit her, she'd be waiting in her doorway with a Cheshire cat smile on her face. She was always cheery and enthusiastic, even though her legs hurt, and her hearing was almost non-existent.
She once told me: 'I'm no fool, you know. If I remain positive, I know you'll always be keen to come back to see me again.' We did. Time after time.
How to make sure you're not a moaner
Try to be aware when you tip into negativity, and reframe your thinking. Rather than, 'I'm sick of these long winter nights', try 'The darker evenings mean I'm more inclined to read my favourite book by the fire.'
Find solutions to your problems. Moving forward will empower you.
Social contact is extremely important. Not only can it alleviate loneliness, but an alternative perspective on your situation can help jolt you out of a pessimistic rut. For example, someone else may say: 'I've noticed your family are always dropping by, that must be lovely for you.'
On the other hand, being around others who complain frequently can be infectious; negativity becomes the norm. So pick your social connections wisely. Yes, everyone needs to let off steam now and again, but people who laugh a lot tend to be better company.
There will be times when you want to vent. That's fine, but keep it contained and quickly move on.
The more you adopt a positive mindset, the more you will naturally veer towards optimism. Over time, you will notice the benefits this brings, and its invaluable effect on relationships and your wellbeing.