My husband's ex-wife is all over him at events for their grandkids. How do I make it stop?

Yahoo

9 hours ago

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Amy & T.J.,
My husband has grandchildren from a previous marriage, which isn't a problem. However, their grandmother, Betty (the ex-wife), is always around.
I've told him I can tolerate her being there for things like their grandkids' graduation, but not every time we get invited somewhere.
For example, last weekend we were at a birthday party for someone on his side of the family (her ex-in-laws). Why is she there? And every time they meet, Betty is hugging and kissing on my husband. She can't just say hi and move along.
I've asked him over and over to set boundaries but he acts like he doesn't know what that means. I told him I'm not comfortable going to our next event if she'll be there and he said 'OK, I'm going anyway.'
Really? What do I do?
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Gut reaction
T.J. Holmes: Yes, this is partly about grandparents and grandchildren. But this is just a plain old 'Why is the ex always around' story.
Amy Robach: This is about respect. It doesn't seem like your husband respects you, and certainly, the ex-wife doesn't.
On further thought...
TJH: We get very few no-brainer questions, but I think this is one. I'm trying to see your husband's perspective, but I just can't. I can't see why the ex-wife is of such value to him that it's worth upsetting you, the woman that he's declared he wants to spend the rest of his life with.
Now, I don't know how long he and the ex-wife were married, or how close she is to the family and to the kids and grandkids. Maybe it was 25 or 30 years or more. But I still don't think that it's ever OK for any partner to treat their spouse the way he's treating you, constantly. This should be a simple conversation, ending with him saying, 'Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way, I respect that,' and then you can move on. But I don't know why you don't insist that this stop.
AR: Yes, it's about respect. Ask him to reverse the situation: How would he feel in your shoes? And it's not simply that Betty is there; you're saying that she is effusive and touching your husband. That would be an issue for any second wife.
I think the reason your husband is continuing to allow this has to be his ego. It feels really good when you've got two women who are both fighting for you. Maybe he thinks he can placate everyone. But by letting this go on, he's saying he doesn't care what you think or what your feelings are. And how could you possibly have a relationship that way? If you don't respect or care what your partner thinks, you don't have a marriage.
TJH: Another possibility: He's a guy. He's an idiot. Sometimes we can be clueless about such things. It doesn't seem like much of an excuse, but could he just be unaware?
AR: If that's the case, you need to just make a decision. You're either going to have to accept this and let it go — which is really hard — or do something, which could mean leaving the marriage. The worst thing you could do is nothing.
TJH: Yes, and tell your husband, 'This is what I need from you. Are you able to provide it?' We're grown folks. You look directly at him and tell him what you want. We don't do ultimatums, but you have to confront this. And at some point, you have to stop blaming him if you continue to stay. If he's not willing to work on it, that's a red flag that he doesn't care.
Meanwhile, your husband, Betty and even you are not keeping your eyes on what's important: making sure there isn't tension for the family. What do the grandkids want? Do they love Betty being around? Are they uncomfortable seeing how she is around your husband? Amy and I have dealt with tension in our blended families before. You have to put that first. Figure out what you, as the adults, need to do to ensure the kids and grandkids are OK.
AR: For certain special events, it's important for the grandkids to have all the people in their lives there. But it doesn't mean that Betty needs to be all up on and all over your husband. There can be clear boundaries of no touching.
The final word
TJH: Well, it's hugging and kissing. Maybe this is just a hug when Betty and the husband see each other, and that's it?
AR: Then do a fist bump instead.
TJH: The grandparents need to ... dab up?
AR: Dab up! I don't think that's unreasonable. I don't want anybody kissing on you!