How moms are impacted more by household management
"I think the number should be higher," board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Sue Varma told "CBS Mornings."
Varma said it's not only the cognitive overload that women face, but the emotional impact as well.
"A child is often turning to the mother in most cases, assuming it's a heterosexual couple, for comfort, and the school is calling the mother when the child is sick and who's taking time off from work? So all of it comes back down to the woman often," she explained.
Mental load impacts can include:
Persistent feelings of anxietySleep disturbancesIncreased irritabilityLack of energyFrequent forgetfulnessDifficulty focusing
Varna said it's crucial for partners to be part of the conversation to help ease what she described as an invisible load for women.
"We see that the dads are involved in things that might be monthly or quarterly, looking at the finances, cutting the grass – all of these things happen at a less frequent cadence than the daily minutia," she said. "Coming to the table and saying … 'what can I own? What responsibility?' … Rolling your sleeves up, getting to the dishes and unloading them before you need to be asked."
It's important for women to express how they're feeling, Varner added, saying partners "simply showing up and saying 'talk to me about what you're experiencing,' which is stressed out, burden, unseen, undervalued, under appreciated," is helpful.
She emphasized the impact on women whose primary role is caregiver.
"I feel like a lot of women who are staying at home and caregiving are not getting that value. So we want to make sure we check in with them and even just to say, 'What can I do to help you? Talk to me about what you're going through and how can we prevent this as a team?' That feeling of you're with me, you're on my side. So many times, women tell me, 'I don't feel like I have a partner,'" Varner said.
How to share the mental load:Acknowledge itInitiate household tasksRegular, open communicationShare planning and decision making
"Take something permanently off our plate," Varner advised partners.
For women who need or want help, she said, "if you're going to ask your partner for more help you cannot throw the kitchen sink at them … Don't say 'you're a horrible person. You don't love me. You're not there for me.'"
Instead, she suggested women try saying, "I love it when you do all these things, when you ask me how I feel, when you ask me how my day was, when get in there and you roll up your sleeves and you're doing the dishes, when you say 'you know what, I'll do the pickup today. You know what, 'I'll do the pickup every Tuesday, Wednesday.'"
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