Tips for preparing the most dreaded of all speeches: the wedding toast

Boston Globe

6 days ago

Beginner
Be brief:
It doesn't matter what else you do or don't do, this is priority number one. Time is relative, and it passes much more slowly for the audience than it does for the performer. You can be 'that person' who cries, or flubs the Browning sonnet, or forgets the groom's name, or has a sneezing fit in the middle of the toast, and be remembered fondly. You
cannot
be that person who goes on for 10 minutes and be remembered fondly.
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Be clean:
This, no matter how well you know the wedding couple. No matter how outrageous their sense of humor is. No matter how much their wedding may feel like a party rather than a sacred occasion. Just don't take the risk of a double-entendre, ribald story, or even a reference to a private joke ('and we all know how Bill loves his Turtle Wax . . .') that you don't think anyone else will get. Just don't do it.
Intermediate
Find a peg:
Start with a story about one or both members of the couple, or a poem or song lyrics that remind you of them or that they love, or a Bible verse, or what have you. Yes, of course you've known Pat all your life and are so delighted that Pat and Chris have found each other. Everyone feels that way at Pat and Chris's wedding; that's why they're there. So start off with something a little more specific for your toast than generalized good wishes.
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Find a hook:
The peg is the image you start your toast with. The hook is the thing that pulls it into the present: 'I'll never forget that treehouse that Pat and I built together, and I know the home that Pat and Chris will make together will be just as creative and fun-filled as that treehouse was—and probably feature fabulous wood flooring!' The hook can be a comment about the beauty of the ceremony, a tribute to the partner you know the least well, a wish for the future, or so on.
Advanced
Figure out your character:
Usually, there are several toast-makers at a wedding. As the date nears, find out how you fit into the lineup. Are you the Respected Patriarch? The College Buddy? The Future Mother-in-Law? The Bratty Little Brother? Ideally, toasts should balance the sentimental and the humorous, the serious and the silly, and show a rounded picture of the wedding couple—both as a couple and as individuals. Figure out your best contribution. And if you know you're going to be following Uncle Lou Longwind, be willing to take one for the team and make your toast even shorter. Express your full sentiments to the wedding couple later—they'll be grateful for your restraint.
Go against type:
Depending on your role in the toast lineup, you might find it effective to serve your toast with a twist. Everyone expects the English professor to open up with Shakespeare or Browning—how much more surprising, and therefore moving, to hear a simple childhood story and heartfelt wish for happiness. Everyone expects the Respected Patriarch to intone words of wisdom—what if he told an embarrassing (clean!) story from his own nuptials instead? Don't be afraid of being a cliche, but don't be afraid to do the unexpected, either.
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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.