Finding the right response to someone who is grieving
I also sympathize with the Rejectors of the Sorry. I had to revise this column, because my mother died after I submitted it. Here is what I originally wrote: 'My own mother is in hospice care in a nursing home, living with the exact kind of debilitation and dementia she dreaded her entire busy, bustling, cookie-and-tale-bearing life. My feelings when she dies, I suspect, will be extraordinarily complicated, but it's hard to imagine her actual death will bring me more sorrow than I currently have.'
My suspicions were correct. It's easy to accept sympathy from family and other close friends who understood the nature of the situation. It's harder to grapple with well-meaning condolences from people who seem to want me to feel a kind of orphaned-ness that I simply don't. All that happened a long time ago for me. You see what I mean? Sometimes death isn't the worst part at all.
Advertisement
Even when death is the worst part, it can be discombobulating to the bereaved to be in the middle of an everyday conversation and then have to break the news and perform grief for a minute and transition back to ordinary talk. Not everyone can manage that gracefully. Your acquaintance, I bet, can't easily do an emotional quick change from Sassy Neighbor to Empathic Daughter and back again in 30 seconds. She wasn't rejecting or dismissing you so much as she was rejecting the role that the conversation was going to put her in.
Advertisement
Which still leaves you, perfectly nice Anonymous, feeling rhetorically bereft. But there's a fix, an easy six-word extension to your 'I'm sorry' that can solve your problem. 'That must be difficult for you,' you add. This focuses the conversation on the mourner rather than the deceased (or ailing), and thereby allows the other person to respond according to how he or she actually feels: gratitude for family chipping in, anger at the state of end-of-life care, grief at losing the person, or any of the infinite other shades of mourning. It also puts the person in a good position to respond 'It really has been' or 'It hasn't been so bad, actually' and change the subject.
Those of us who have lost a loved one should try to hear and respond to the 'I'm sorrys' as though they were followed by those six words. You can be authentic about your feelings without flinging kind people's sympathy back in their faces. I've been going with 'I'm relieved her suffering is over, and my cousins have been amazing,' which is true and gives the conversation somewhere to go—we can now talk about my cousins rather than my mother and me. This response saves the other person's face and guards my heart as well.
Advertisement
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Yahoo
a day ago
- Yahoo
6 Unspoken Fence Etiquette Rules You Should Follow to Be a Good Neighbor
Avoid being "that" neighbor by following these unspoken rules. If you share a backyard fence with neighbors, you know the rules around them can be a bit murky. Is it OK to paint your side of the fence, even if you aren't the owner? Do you have to let your neighbors know if you plan to make changes to the fence? And, if the fence gets damaged, does the owner need to fix it within a certain timeframe? To provide you with answers to these questions and more, we turned to Kristi Spencer, an etiquette coach and founder of The Polite Company. Spencer stresses the importance of keeping the lines of communication open and being respectful and considerate at all times. When it comes to making any changes, getting permission from the fence owner is a must. Even if you are the owner of the fence, giving your neighbors a heads up about any coming changes is a courtesy they will appreciate and hopefully reciprocate. Below, Spencer shares six fence etiquette rules you need to follow to be respectful to your neighbors. Related: 9 Types of Wood Fences to Consider for Your Yard 1. Keep Lines of Communication Open Being friendly when you see neighbors that you share a fence with can go a long way. "Look for ways to keep the lines of communication open with your neighbors, even if it's just a friendly wave when you see them, " Spencer says. This maintains pleasant relations and keeps the door open for any future conversations regarding the fence and other neighborhood-related topics. 2. Maintain the Fence and Surrounding Area No matter who the owner of the fence is, Spencer says it's important to keep both sides well taken care of. This means ensuring it's in good condition, looks nice and clean, and there is no evident damage to it, whether that's a hole or a missing plank of wood. Additionally, the etiquette expert says you should take care of the area surrounding the fence, such as the ground underneath it. "Clear away leaves and make sure the weeds are mowed and don't creep into your neighbor's property," she says. 3. Inform Neighbors About Any Planned Changes "Even if you are the owner of the fence, always let your neighbors know about any changes you plan to make to it," Spencer says. Making changes to the fence doesn't just affect your backyard, it affects your neighbors' backyard, in both a practical and a visual sense. Make sure you give them a sufficient heads up about any planned changes such as fence repairs, updates, or replacements. Not only is it the considerate thing to do, not doing so can have consequences. For example, if your neighbor has a dog that spends a lot of time in the backyard, you will need to make them aware of any repairs that will be made, as the construction can affect the dog's safety and ability to be outside. 4. Don't Paint the Fence Without Permission When it comes to painting the fence, Spencer says any changes should only be made by the owner or with their permission. "I wouldn't take on any fence improvement projects without the owner's permission, even if you are stuck looking at an ugly fence," she says. A fence can be a large investment and if you are not the one who paid for it, painting or staining your side a different color is something you should never do without getting consent first. 5. Have a Conversation About Repairs While ideally, a fence would be repaired as quickly as possible, especially if there is a safety concern with children or pets, Spencer says the owner is not obligated to fix it within a specific timeframe. The only exception is if there is a homeowner's association or city code violation. If you are waiting for your neighbor to fix the fence, Spencer recommends starting with a friendly conversation. "Offer to help with the repair or a temporary fix if you can, even if it's just something simple like holding boards or hammering a few nails," she says. Spencer adds that your neighbor may just be waiting for a contractor or dealing with an insurance issue, so don't immediately assume they are delaying the repair just to make life difficult for you. 6. Be Considerate and Respectful "No matter what you've heard, it's good neighbors who make good neighbors," Spencer says. She explains that when we lead with consideration, respect, and honesty, we can build precious relationships that last a lifetime. "When issues arise, approach the situation with an open mind, listen as much, if not more, than you speak, and be willing to compromise," Spencer adds. Read the original article on Better Homes & Gardens Solve the daily Crossword
Washington Post
2 days ago
- Washington Post
Asking Eric: My neighbor sent my wife a bereavement card. I'm still alive.
Dear Eric: I have a kind, retired neighbor who I infrequently see, but who is always warm and friendly when we cross paths. Nearly a month ago, my wife received a sympathy card from her expressing condolences on my passing, appreciation for what a good neighbor I was and hoping that my memory would be a blessing.
Yahoo
2 days ago
- Yahoo
Mother-in-Law Tries to Convince Son That His Wife Is a 'Hoarder'
In a post published to Reddit, the anonymous woman writes that the incident happened while she was away and therefore wasn't able to defend herselfNEED TO KNOW A woman is voicing her frustration after her mother-in-law sat her husband down to discuss her "hoarding" behavior In a post on Reddit, she writes that the conversation happened while she was away and therefore wasn't able to defend herself Now some Reddit users are offering advice on how best to handle the situation moving forwardOne woman says she's "done" after her mother-in-law sat her husband down to discuss her "hoarding" behavior. In a post published to Reddit, the anonymous woman writes that the incident happened while she was away and therefore wasn't able to defend herself. "My MIL believes if she doesn't tell people what they're doing wrong, they can't 'fix themselves.' We've had ongoing issues for years," she writes. For background, the woman notes that her mother-in-law spent years "criticizing" her every move, forcing her husband has set clear boundaries with his mom. "My partner finally emailed setting firm boundaries: stop assuming the worst of me, stop telling us how to run our house, stop criticizing, or we'd distance ourselves," the rules read. However, while the poster was away on a recent trip, her mother-in-law offered to help watch the kids, but then used the time to criticize her behind her back, questioning their parenting and calling their kids "awful." At one point, she writes that the woman even "sat my partner down to tell him I'm a 'hoarder,'" listing "specific complaints, like how many boxes of baking soda I have, how much mustard, too many toys." Her father-in-law also "jumped in about home maintenance" issues, such as blinds that need replacing, lawn care, and dog poop in their yard, which the poster usually takes care of but obviously couldn't do while she was away. Her partner, she writes, "shut it down and went to bed," but she now feels "hurt and exhausted." "I'm in grad school full-time, managing two special needs children, dealing with my own disabilities, and maintaining our household while partner works long hours. I cleaned every room and did yard work before leaving," she adds. She sent a text addressing the issue, and telling her mother-in-law that they've "repeatedly asked" her to stop making such "negative comments" and that "household management isn't up for discussion." "When our family is drowning, they critique our swimming technique instead of offering help," she told her mother-in-law, noting that "if they can't support without criticism, we'll limit contact." Now, she is expecting "pushback" and is unsure where to go from here, as they are supposed to go on a family vacation in a few months. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Reddit users are weighing in with their takes. "If they think you're a hoarder and your home is a mess, that's fine, but if they say it out loud, the consequence is that they are no longer allowed over ... If they can't abstain from discussing household decisions, then the consequence is that you and your husband quit sharing with them," one user wrote. Adds another: "Send them another text letting them know they no longer have to worry about your child rearing techniques or your abilities to keep a house, because they aren't invited back. Then block them. Then there isnt an opportunity for them to try to guilt you into anything. You said what you said and that's final." Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
