Finding the right response to someone who is grieving
They left you feeling as though you've stepped on a rake, conversationally, haven't they? I've been there myself, and I sympathize.
I also sympathize with the Rejectors of the Sorry. I had to revise this column, because my mother died after I submitted it. Here is what I originally wrote: 'My own mother is in hospice care in a nursing home, living with the exact kind of debilitation and dementia she dreaded her entire busy, bustling, cookie-and-tale-bearing life. My feelings when she dies, I suspect, will be extraordinarily complicated, but it's hard to imagine her actual death will bring me more sorrow than I currently have.'
My suspicions were correct. It's easy to accept sympathy from family and other close friends who understood the nature of the situation. It's harder to grapple with well-meaning condolences from people who seem to want me to feel a kind of orphaned-ness that I simply don't. All that happened a long time ago for me. You see what I mean? Sometimes death isn't the worst part at all.
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Even when death is the worst part, it can be discombobulating to the bereaved to be in the middle of an everyday conversation and then have to break the news and perform grief for a minute and transition back to ordinary talk. Not everyone can manage that gracefully. Your acquaintance, I bet, can't easily do an emotional quick change from Sassy Neighbor to Empathic Daughter and back again in 30 seconds. She wasn't rejecting or dismissing you so much as she was rejecting the role that the conversation was going to put her in.
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Which still leaves you, perfectly nice Anonymous, feeling rhetorically bereft. But there's a fix, an easy six-word extension to your 'I'm sorry' that can solve your problem. 'That must be difficult for you,' you add. This focuses the conversation on the mourner rather than the deceased (or ailing), and thereby allows the other person to respond according to how he or she actually feels: gratitude for family chipping in, anger at the state of end-of-life care, grief at losing the person, or any of the infinite other shades of mourning. It also puts the person in a good position to respond 'It really has been' or 'It hasn't been so bad, actually' and change the subject.
Those of us who have lost a loved one should try to hear and respond to the 'I'm sorrys' as though they were followed by those six words. You can be authentic about your feelings without flinging kind people's sympathy back in their faces. I've been going with 'I'm relieved her suffering is over, and my cousins have been amazing,' which is true and gives the conversation somewhere to go—we can now talk about my cousins rather than my mother and me. This response saves the other person's face and guards my heart as well.
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Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
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Boston Globe
a day ago
- Boston Globe
Finding the right response to someone who is grieving
They left you feeling as though you've stepped on a rake, conversationally, haven't they? I've been there myself, and I sympathize. I also sympathize with the Rejectors of the Sorry. I had to revise this column, because my mother died after I submitted it. Here is what I originally wrote: 'My own mother is in hospice care in a nursing home, living with the exact kind of debilitation and dementia she dreaded her entire busy, bustling, cookie-and-tale-bearing life. My feelings when she dies, I suspect, will be extraordinarily complicated, but it's hard to imagine her actual death will bring me more sorrow than I currently have.' My suspicions were correct. It's easy to accept sympathy from family and other close friends who understood the nature of the situation. It's harder to grapple with well-meaning condolences from people who seem to want me to feel a kind of orphaned-ness that I simply don't. All that happened a long time ago for me. You see what I mean? Sometimes death isn't the worst part at all. Advertisement Even when death is the worst part, it can be discombobulating to the bereaved to be in the middle of an everyday conversation and then have to break the news and perform grief for a minute and transition back to ordinary talk. Not everyone can manage that gracefully. Your acquaintance, I bet, can't easily do an emotional quick change from Sassy Neighbor to Empathic Daughter and back again in 30 seconds. She wasn't rejecting or dismissing you so much as she was rejecting the role that the conversation was going to put her in. Advertisement Which still leaves you, perfectly nice Anonymous, feeling rhetorically bereft. But there's a fix, an easy six-word extension to your 'I'm sorry' that can solve your problem. 'That must be difficult for you,' you add. This focuses the conversation on the mourner rather than the deceased (or ailing), and thereby allows the other person to respond according to how he or she actually feels: gratitude for family chipping in, anger at the state of end-of-life care, grief at losing the person, or any of the infinite other shades of mourning. It also puts the person in a good position to respond 'It really has been' or 'It hasn't been so bad, actually' and change the subject. Those of us who have lost a loved one should try to hear and respond to the 'I'm sorrys' as though they were followed by those six words. You can be authentic about your feelings without flinging kind people's sympathy back in their faces. I've been going with 'I'm relieved her suffering is over, and my cousins have been amazing,' which is true and gives the conversation somewhere to go—we can now talk about my cousins rather than my mother and me. This response saves the other person's face and guards my heart as well. Advertisement Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
Washington Post
a day ago
- Washington Post
A chicken salad tartine with fruit and care on the side
This column comes from the Eat Voraciously newsletter. Sign up here to get one weeknight dinner recipe, tips for substitutions, techniques and more in your inbox Monday through Thursday. In the summer of 2024, I was struggling to make sense of my life as a new mother. Every day was filled with uneasy wonder: How did I get here? What was I doing, and why did this new facet of my life, this ancient human experience, seem impossible? One day, I remember putting my son in his crib for a nap and feeling so grateful that I could now, finally, lie down in bed and stare at the ceiling. I cried with relief, then guilt, then sadness. Eventually, I wiped away the tears, and, because I knew it might make me feel better, I opened a food delivery app and started to order lunch. Moments later, there was a knock at the door. When I opened it, I found a blue-and-white paper plate holding an open-faced chicken salad sandwich with mango on the side. Get the recipe: Chicken Salad Tartines My dear neighbor, a mother of three, had made me lunch. The mango seemed to glow in the dim hallway light, its fragrance mingling with the smell of the pungent, herb-flecked dressing on the chicken. I brought the food back to bed and ate it in blissful silence. Then, I cried again. This time it was out of deep gratitude and love. I rummaged around for my phone to send my neighbor a thank-you note. She had texted: 'Chicken salad with lots of red onion — because I like it that way, and because when you eat a lot of raw onion people leave you the hell alone!!! ❤️ Love you!' Just as no two people are the same, no two pregnancies or birthing experiences are the same. Without sufficient support, any mother's individual experience can be extremely isolating. It was only when I started to notice the care other mothers offered to me and each other that I started to feel like maybe, just maybe, I could do this. For a lot of reasons, I never thought I would become a parent. But here I was, and here, too, I eventually discovered, was a club I now belonged to, one full of generosity and reciprocity, of unspoken care and deep love: motherhood. Inspired by my neighbor's chicken salad sandwich, here's a recipe for Chicken Salad Tartines. There's red onion and cucumber for crunch and flavor, plus tarragon and lots of lemon. Yogurt and mayonnaise keep it light and creamy. I highly recommend fresh, juicy fruit on the side for a burst of sweetness. Get the recipe: Chicken Salad Tartines
Buzz Feed
2 days ago
- Buzz Feed
Elders Share Challenges Today's Youth Shouldn't Face
Every generation deals with challenges depending on what's currently happening in the world as they grow up. These challenges might have to do with financial burdens, social injustices, technological impacts, and more. We asked members of the BuzzFeed Community who are part of an "older" generation to share something they wish younger generations didn't have to deal with, and they had a lot to say. Here are some of the responses: "Bullying. Targeted bullying, usually online, by cowardly keyboard warriors. I would not be a kid today for anything. Bullying doesn't end when school lets out, it's 24/7 with social media. And sometimes it's parents doing the bullying toward opponents of their children!" "AI and deep fakes. People can create fake lewd photos of someone within minutes. Yes, there are laws protecting this, but it won't stop people. AI is progressing, and it's going to get hard to tell what is real and what is not." —shilderbrandt96 "The cost of housing. I'm really sorry. Damn." —Anonymous, 48, Northern Virginia "The idea of never getting ahead. Colleges seem to be intentionally pricing people out or placing people in massive debt just to take a gamble on a degree that they have to hope they can find a job for. I realize there are trade schools and, of course, working in a field that doesn't require 15 years of experience and a master's degree, but all of it feels so hopeless. It used to be standard for kids to move out, I'm not even sure that the younger generations will have that option." —Anonymous, 34, California "The environmental crisis. I genuinely feel awful about the world that's being destroyed while they watch, by people who don't have to live with the consequences." —goblinkatie"I wish we could have turned back global warming. We're so sorry."—Anonymous, 54, Michigan "School shootings. When I was a junior in high school (1993), a student died in an accident and the entire school was in an uproar. We went to class, but all the teachers did was a light review. They brought in an entire team of therapists to help us cope. 25 years later, kids were literally marching in DC less than a month after someone killed 17 of them *in their school.* I was impressed with their resilience until their peers gently told me this was a trauma response. Y'all don't deserve that. No teenager deserves that." —Anonymous, 49, US "The fake news EVERYWHERE. I've been on the internet since 1995 and even I'm having trouble knowing what's real." "The influence of social media. All the facades and superficial agendas that are pushed via social platforms have really f*cked up society." —Anonymous"I wish they didn't have to just accept social media and being online as THE way to be social and to prove 'you exist' or matter. It's like it's not even an option to opt out of Instagram anymore, even if you never post to the grid. And this means there are multiple layers of Instagram! You have your main page, with its close friends for your story, and then young people have their 'finsta" with another level of close friends. That's four social media-made circles around your by an sad to me."—Anonymous, 31, Connecticut, US "Donald Trump and his aftermath of destruction." —Anonymous, 57, NJ "Anxiety. Yes, there's a lot to be anxious about, but I don't ever remember feeling anxious as a kid. And I'm gay and grew up in a small town in the '70s! So many of my friends' kids have some sort of medical malady caused by anxiety. Most are on medication for it." —kerwoodderby "I wish they didn't have to deal with declining literacy rates and the decrease in critical thinking skills." "The 'boys will be boys' attitude. Teaching girls that if a boy is mean to you, it means he likes you. Telling boys who are emotional that they are acting like a girl. Telling boys, especially teenagers, to 'act like a man,' meaning toughen up and be stoic. Telling girls they are hormonal, too emotional, and get 'crazy' on their periods. We need to teach boys that NO means NO, not try harder until you break her down and she says yes. We need to teach girls that it's OK to say no, and expect boys to respect that. We need more sex education and more education around consent." —amandac4b39f8d18 "I feel the likelihood of a nuclear event increases with each passing day. I fear for my son and his young family." "Fighting for healthcare. No one should have to worry about what the procedure costs if they need it to save their life, alleviate pain, or maintain bodily functions. That should include your teeth and your eyes without additional insurance charges. It should include not having to have the doctor fight your insurance to let you have the medicine they said you need. I hope we make universal healthcare truly a reality in America. It's shameful that we allow people to suffer in pain and lose their ability to function for money. No one should have to worry about whether they can afford their rent or their meds. Or wait years for a surgery or procedure. Or just accept they can't afford dental or vision, and deal with pain and losing their vision. At this stage in our civilization, we're truly a joke for not making sure our people have access to healthcare." —Anonymous, 40, Florence, AL "I feel bad for the kids whose parents plopped them in front of a screen instead of taking the time to teach them anything." —lunaamethyst8124 "I wish kids didn't have to deal with so much distraction. Younger generations have such short attention spans, probably due to the massive amount of information and entertainment they are constantly bombarded with. Younger generations seem to only parrot what they hear versus researching and studying topics (for themselves) to get to the root of an issue. It seems like they only know how to explore one side of an issue without thinking through the entire issue. Their information seems surface level because they receive so much content and have been taught WHAT to think rather than HOW to think. Teaching kids to question what they hear and see is great, but without teaching critical thinking skills, well-rounded research skills, patience, civility, and discernment, it leads to a breakdown in society. People should be able to debate and disagree without getting emotional, rowdy, and disrespectful." —Anonymous, 50, TN "I wish the next generation didn't have to deal with the rise of fascism in this country. I wish they didn't have to deal with the rollback of civil rights and the attack on the environment." —Anonymous, 59, California "How accessible they are. We used to have to use the landline or eventually use a flip phone. Social media was just on your computer. Now it doesn't matter where you are or who you're with. People can reach you by any invasive means they choose." —shilderbrandt96 "As a Gen X, I wish the younger generations didn't have to deal with technology taking up so much of their freedom and privacy. My generation was the last generation that could just go out, hang out with friends, without worry that pictures of us acting a fool popping up on social media. The freedom of not being always available — no text, no Snapchat, no calls, no email — is lost to the younger generations. Also, as a little kid, we had to play outside or with toys or be creative because there was not really any tech to entertain us." —Anonymous, 46, US "There's too much to even say here. I have never understood how people don't want things to be better for those younger than them. I am devastated seeing people younger than me go the same crap I did. Debt, student loans, the environment, the deteriorating human rights situation, gender equality, you name it. As a woman, seeing younger women being treated how I was when I did ANYTHING (walk into work, go to the gym, sit at a bar) is really discouraging. As an ally, my first experience of a friend being hurt because they're LGBTQIA came when I was 19. It felt like we were making headway and now it's gone sharply in reverse. Of course, everyone should be willing to put effort into their life, but the idea of young people being lazy isn't a new concept from older people. Every generation has been accused of that. It's just not true. There are lazy people in every generation." "The pressure of organized sports from such a young age. No longer are sports and activities for fun or recreation. The pressure is on to pinpoint your sport of choice and begin by age 3 or 4, spending tons of money and hours of precious childhood in hopes of securing future scholarships. Everyone is convinced their child is the next pro. It's sad to see kids robbed of their childhoods trying to appease the adults in their lives, and frustrating for kids who want to join for fun when they're old enough to voice it, but can't since they haven't been trained since toddlerhood." —Anonymous, 42, Oklahoma Is there anything you would add? Let us know in the comments!
