'Can we have a threesome?' TRACEY COX reveals how to ask risky sex questions (without losing your partner)

Daily Mail​

14-05-2025

Want to try something new sexually and it's not 'Honey can we have sex with the lights on'?
A lot of people struggle to ask the most innocent sex questions, let alone drop a potential relationship bomb into conversation.
Here, I tackle four of the most common risky sex questions people ask me advice on.
Read on – but tread VERY carefully.
I WANT A THREESOME
You sure? If you're a man asking the question, think twice if it's a two women/one man combo. The pressure to perform is overwhelming and lots of men are unable to get an erection. Women generally really enjoy the experience of being with another woman and often leave the man out. Just saying!
What's your age and stage? Threesomes have the least fallout with couples who can separate sex from love and are used to doing sexually 'risky' things together. If you're already visited sex club and watched others have sex in front of you, you've dipped a toe in and will probably survive with good communication and set rules.
Who with and how often? Is it a one-off? Something you'd like to do once a year as a 'treat'? Or is it something you'd like to happen regularly? Your partner agreeing to a one-off is a lot more likely than welcoming a third person into your bed every Saturday. Are you planning on asking friends, using an app, hiring a sex worker or going to a sex club that facilities threesomes? All will have a bearing in the answer you get. (The worst idea you've ever had was inviting friends; the best is using an app like Feeld).
How to word it: 'I love our sex life and love how adventurous we are. There's one thing I'd love us to try but tell me if it's a bit too out there for you. How do you feel about a threesome – a one-off, not something we'd do all the time'.
They're furious? 'I completely understand why you don't want to and respect your decision. Let's role-play it instead. I'm sure that will be just as much fun.'
I WANT AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP
Define exactly what you mean by an open or polyamorous relationship. You want to have sex with other people but only have a love relationship with each other? Under what circumstances and with what rules? Because there must be rules for this to work well.
High danger alert! Simply asking the question can be a deal breaker for your relationship. The younger you both are, the more receptive your partner is likely to be (polyamory is much more common now than it was) but if your partner is a monogamist through to the core, they will find even the suggestion extremely upsetting.
For lots of people, love means only wanting one person and not needing or wanting others. They should be special enough to satisfy all your needs. If your partner is traditional, conservative and romantic, presume the answer will be no and think about what you will do if that is the case.
Start with reassurance. The first thing your partner will assume is that this is an exit route. Say: 'I love you and want us to be together. But I wanted to talk with you about changing an aspect of the relationship.'
Explain what you want clearly. There's no easy way in for this one, so be upfront. 'Sexually, I feel I'm not done experimenting. I wondered if you were open to both of us being able to have sex with other people? I know this will come as a shock and you'll have lots of questions and will want to think this through, but I wanted to start a conversation.'
Show you've thought it through. Present the positives and the negatives. The obvious upside for both of you is you get the excitement of sleeping with new people and the security of an established relationship. The downside: jealousy and insecurity aren't the only things to contend with. As well as setting rules for safe sex, you need to set emotional boundaries.
Discuss the rules. Who is allowed as a potential partner, who isn't? Who will you tell? Do you want to know about these encounters or not? How often and how much time will you spend with others? Are you allowed repeat encounters with the same person?
Having a long, in-depth discussion to set the rules will give you vital clues as to how well each of you would handle it.
You'll know it's going well if your partner is able to talk logically about all these scenarios and doesn't feel rattled or threatened. This might be something that suits them. If they're looking like they're feeling sick to your stomach at the very thought, back off. No-one should feel coerced into agreeing.
Is it a deal breaker? Personally, I wouldn't ask this question unless it was a dealbreaker. Don't say it's a dealbreaker to start with, let your partner think it through and come back with questions. But if they ask outright, answer honestly.
They're devastated? As I said at the start, once it's out there, it's out there. Your partner may never forgive you for suggesting this. All you can do is apologise and hope time heals or walk away and find a partner with similar desires.
I WANT TO WATCH PORN TOGETHER
Most couples can make a pretty good guess on how their partner will react to this. If you both watch porn solo, it's not a huge stretch to suggest doing it together. If your partner hates you watching porn, they're certainly not open to a shared experience. If you aren't sure or don't know each other well, bring it up as a general topic first. Ask, 'Hey, what are your thoughts on porn?'. Frame it as an intellectual discussion and if you get an adamant anti-porn response, you can easily say, 'That's interesting. I agree with some of your points'. No point in taking this any further if that's the case.
Quote a statistic. Say you read that 45 per cent of couples watch porn together. (It's true.) Then simply say, 'Would you like to give it a try?'. Studies suggest this can be a healthy way to bond and explore sexual preferences. For younger couples though, it can have a negative impact.
Offer up female-friendly solutions. Most mainstream porn is heavily skewed towards heterosexual men. Plenty of women hate regular porn but are open to ethical sites like Lust Cinema, Make Love Not Porn or Dipsea.
Damage control. A common reaction is for your partner to ask, 'Why aren't I enough? So, you don't enjoy the sex we're having?' or 'You want to sleep with the girl/guy on screen, is that it?'. Load on reassurance: 'For me, watching porn is just a way to add excitement to a monogamous relationship. It's fantasy, that's all. It doesn't mean I want you to look like the person or do what the person is doing. It's pure escapism. If it upsets you, I'm fine with not doing it.'
I WANT SEX BUT NOT A RELATIONSHIP
If it's a one-nighter, you don't need to say anything – unless they want to see you again. But if it's someone you've seen a few times and you're about to have sex, you do need to make it clear. Say, 'Before this goes further, I want to flag up that I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Just wanted to make that clear'.
Don't then act like their girlfriend or boyfriend. Actions speak louder than words and if you've met their family, love their friends and spend five days a week at their house, they're going to assume you've changed your mind. If you haven't, stop with the mixed messaging: you can't have it both ways.
They fell in love anyway and you didn't. If you're guilty of the above, look deeper to question why you only want sex. It might be you're scared of commitment rather than making a lifestyle choice. Still sure sex is all you want? Remind them of your initial conversation. 'I know things are going really well but I'm still not up for a serious/long-term/commitment to be exclusive. Are you still cool with that?'.