Mum Jodie Carter shares agonising letters to bullied 12-year-old son Hamish after his suicide
The Sydney mum makes no apologies for her brutal honesty, believing it's the only way children will ever really understand words can be deadly.
'The pain of seeing his little body at the coroners was indescribable,' she writes in her letters to her boy who died in December 2022 near his home in southern Sydney.
'I screamed and yelled and swore and cried. It just hurt so much. My beautiful little boy, lying on a hospital trolley. His arms covered because I know underneath them that he's all bruised and cut and broken.'
Ms Carter wrote letters to her son Hamish every day for the first year after his passing. In them, she shares her most debilitating pain and her struggles to navigate the mundane reality of life without her son.
'It was helpful to me, as it felt like I was actually talking to him and was able to get some of my frustration and anger at losing him to of my system,' Ms Carter told news.com.au.
'I stopped after a year because it was hard going'.
Sometimes they are almost impossible to read.
Ms Carter hopes the diary entries – which now fill up several notebooks – will help others as much as they help her.
'I hope that one day I will find a way to use my letters to Hamish so that they raise awareness and stop another young child from being bullied,' she told news.com.au.
'I can't bring him back but I can fight for change. That's my calling now.'
Ms Carter today shares extracts of her first six months of writing to her Darling Hamey.
20 December 2022
Tragedy, Hamey passed away yesterday. The worst thing I ever could imagine would happen ...we are devastated. I'm numb, empty, sad, angry.
21 December 2022
The pain of seeing his little body at the coroners was indescribable I screamed and yelled and swore and cried. It just hurt so much. My beautiful little boy lying on a f**king hospital trolley. His arms covered because I know underneath them that he's all bruised and cut and broken. There was blood on his head and a big hole in his skull and his head was soaked and
stiff from the blood.
His lips were blue and bruised. His little hands were all cut. Bruises and abrasions on each side of his face. My little darling. I thought I saw his eye start to open and I was just imagining it. I kept calling his name Hamey, Hamey, Hamey.
He didn't want to die. I know he didn't want to die. Those kids pushed him and they will live a very hard life for what they have done. I want them to see what they have done to my
beautiful little boy. See how hurt he was and that he spent a night in the cold in the bush, and I don't know if he died straight away or if he died slowly and painfully while I was sleeping not 50 mtrs up the road and unaware.
I feel so guilty for not being there to save him and not stopping him. We went to bed at 10pm ish and he walked down the stairs towards me. The last thing I got to say to him was 'do you think your taller than me?' He stepped down to my level and I said 'not quite buddy' and gave him a hug.
He just stood there and I said 'hug me back Hame' He patted me on the back. I'm pretty sure and I really hope that I kissed him on the forehead and said I love you. Then I went to bed and said 'don't stay up too late' then the nightmare began.
Christmas Day 2022
Its been 6 days since Hamey passed. Our first Christmas without him and so soon after he left us. Its been a sad, but OK day. We opened all the presents he had given us and also opened his presents. He got lots of PS5 stuff. Headphones and games and memorabilia. We will set up as part of a shrine for him of his cool stuff.
We didn't eat any usual Christmas food, just the fruit and some nibbles we already had here. Todd asked Barney if he would take Hamish's coffin on the Harley side car like a bikie funeral. We all think its pretty cool and would be happy for that to happen to get him to the church.
Steve, Todd and Phil may ride their bikes in with him as a motorcade. We all think he will love it as he really enjoyed going on the bikes with Steve when they did their big ride. We all had a few tears this morning. Steve and I have been chatting to Hamey.
When we finished opening the presents the lights flickered. I believe it was Hamish.
28 December 2022
Yesterday was pretty hard. You kind of float around just trying not to feel anything. Then visitors turn up and you are distracted for a bit. I woke up yesterday absolutely soaked in sweat. I had to wash all my doonah and mattress protector, pillows, everything was awful. In the afternoon Kam,
Mya and I sat on the lounge and coloured in and read etc. I was trying to think of things for Ham's end of life celebration. Some funny, meaningful memories. I started to look at photos and both Kam and I just cried and cried. He was and is so little and so cute. There was so much life to live and I'm angry and devastated at his loss, why, why, why. I just want him back.
31 December 2022
The last day of the year. I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling. I dreamt about Hamish this morning. We were at a toy shop. He found something he liked and opened it up and was showing it to me. That is all I remember.
I just feel sad. We have been at Steve's for 3 days now with the dogs. Its time to go home. We have to take Hamish's clothes to the funeral home today. That is upsetting too. I know I want to put him in his hoodie and trackies. I'm struggling writing his eulogy. He was so little and I want to write positive things, but keep thinking of sad things. I also keep seeing him
looking at me on the Sunday the day before. He came down to see me and just looked at me with this sad face. Why didn't I grab him and hug him and hold him tight and tell him how much I loved him.
Instead I said 'Whats up Buddy' and he said 'F**k you' and walked away.
What the hell did I do so wrong. Reading through all the emails I sent to the police. I said so many times about how sad he was and I did take him to counselling but I didn't take him to the doctors. He said he didn't need medication, he was fine. So now I have this huge guilt feeling. How will that ever go away?
1 January 2023
Michael the celebrant came today to talk to us through Hamish's service.
He is lovely and it was very helpful to have him explain the whole process so patiently. I have taken lots of notes and now Kam and Cha and I have some focus on what needs to be done. Kam is writing a speech now and Charli wants to write one too. The hard part now is getting the right song. (we ended up selecting 'Free Bird' by Lynyrd Skynyd for him to be carried in with. Then 'Wish You Were Here' Pink Floyd and the 'Little Wonders' song by Rob Thomas that always made us all cry when we watched the Movie ' Meet the Robinsons, that Hamish loved so much'. The song to carry him out too was 'Nothing else matters' by Metallica. That's exactly how we felt.
3 January 2023
We visited Hamish at the funeral home …
I held his hands, they were so cold to touch. My hands eventually warmed his. He didn't really look like himself. His face had bruises. His little nose was bruised and his forehead. His hair was really soft. He had his hoodie on. His little hands were crossed over his belly. We gave him some notes and stayed with him for a while. I gave him a mug and some hot chocolate and marshmallows and his sunglasses and his dream catcher and a soft monkey
and soft dog. It was very sad. I kissed his forehead and put my forehead on his. It was so cold I watched the candle flickering and hoped it was a sign from him.
13 January 2023
Today was a hard day. I woke up OK and I felt all right for a bit. The counsellors came today at 10am. We all got a bit teary talking to them about our story. We had to take Charli to work and I made Kam go with me as Cha wanted to go to Big W. I kept my eyes down and felt instantly sad when we walked in. All the back to school stuff was out and it hurt thinking that I wont be getting.
18th January 2023
Dear Hamey, Today Kam and I picked up your ashes from Woronora Crematorium it was quite surreal. Yet another thing we had to face up to doing that we just don't want to do. Not want to as in we don't want to collect your ashes Hamish, we want you. We want you more than anything. We are all so devastated by you leaving us.
Love Mum xxxxx
25 January 2023
Darling Hamey, its been a hard couple of days for all of us. Yesterday I spent half the day in tears. I had to collect your death certificate from the post office. The cause of death it said was multiple injuries. What parent ever wants to read that!
Love Mum xxxx
26th January 2023
Dear Hamey, it was Australia Day today. Super hot and our aircon has broken down. Its getting fixed next weekend. Kammy and I had a few tears this morning. Kam dreamt about you, so she woke up sad. She said it was a nice dream though.
Lots of love Mum xxxx
30 January 2023
Dear Hamey, tonight Kam, Cha and Mya and I had to go through the list of places to visit for tours for our big Europe trip. You know, you're coming too. We are taking your ashes or some of them so we can sprinkle you around a bit so you still get to go to the places I wanted you to visit.
Ireland, London, Rome, Greece and Disneyland Paris and some cool theme parks that Kam has selected for you in Dubai. Perhaps we will put some of your ashes in a satchel or locket so we can just carry you around as well as leaving some for you to enjoy those places. I have to reply to Andy the detective tomorrow he has given us another update on their research and he says bullying did contribute to your passing. Which makes me so sad and angry. We will work to getting some sort of laws in your honour Hamey.
We miss you darling.
Lots of love Mum xxxxx
4th Feb 2023
Dear Hamey, Hi darling. I miss you heaps!!!. We had the aircon installed today. It works really well and you would love it. The man wanted to check the air in your room and he asked if anyone was in there. I said no you can go in. He still knocked at your door before he entered and I said 'its OK there is no one in there' which must makes me feel ill that you're not here.
Its like the movies where no one touches the room of the child who died.
Its exactly as you left it. I was looking for a frame today for your photo that we had on the mantle. I found the frames and some photos of you at preschool. That made me so sad. You are such a gorgeous boy, so spunky and
I'm devastated, heartbroken you are not here. I'm just existing at the moment. Going through the motions and still loving your sisters. I would do anything to have you back.
We all miss you darling
Love mum xxxxxxx
8 February 2023
Dear Hamey, I've had too much to drink tonight. I'm sure you would have the shits with me. When I drove into work this morning I drove past a tall skinny boy in trackies like yours and he just looked like you and I started to cry and had to breathe. Like really breathe to pull myself together to get to work.
Got through the day and the second I got in the car Guns N Roses came on 'Sweet Child O Mine' and I was crying again and couldn't stop and just cried all the way home.
When I got home Mr Meagher had left your art folder at the front door. So I looked through that and cried again. Said hi to Charli and kept crying.
Went out to water the garden and cried. Kam came home and I cried. So a shit night and I drank lots of wine. Cooked a shit dinner and watched a shit show on telly and I'm in bed now.
Hopefully I'll sleep better cos I'm so tired. I miss you darling.
Love Mum xxxxxx
15 February 2023
Dear Hamey Smoo, its your birthday tomorrow. The girls and I have been feeling pretty sad today thinking about it. What a strange and upsetting thing to go through. I keep seeing your gorgeous smile. I still walk up the stairs everyday and look in the PlayStation room for you. Your door is always closed and I try to rush past and not look at it or think about it too much. I still have a pile of your clean clothes in my bedroom that I cant really bring myself to do anything with. I don't really like being upstairs much. I only really come up to say goodnight to the girls and sleep. Then I'm running away.
Kam and I had a few drinks tonight and Cha and the dogs hung out while we watered the garden. We all miss you, we are all sad. We will go up to dads in the morning and go on the ride and celebrate or rather commemorate your birthday. We love you and miss you so much darling.
Lots of love mum xxxxxxx
18 March 2023
Darling Hamey, hi baby. Shit tomorrow is 3 months since you have passed.
Well since we found out. According to the coroner you died before midnight on the 18th December. F**k Hamish, f**k f**k f**k I'm so f**king shitty about this whole thing. That bloody friend of yours that never told anyone. I wonder how she is feeling now. How are they all feeling? Little shits.
1 April 2023
Darling Hamey, a pinch and a punch for the 1st of the month. Oh boy how did this happen. 1⁄4 of the year is gone already. You have been gone for 3 months and 12 days. Its not been easy my darling boy. I took the dogs for a walk today. It was so much cooler, so we went a bit further than usual. My light is flickering beside my bed. I've been watching a thing on You Tube about signs from Angels. One of them is lights flickering. So I'm going to assume it's a message from you. What I was going to tell you was that I went down to your memorial again today.
I didn't cry this time though. I was very calm. Some little birds flew over to say hello and pottered around in the top of the tree. I was thinking I should bring you something. Like the movie Under the Tuscan Sun and the old man takes flowers everyday to a memorial. Anyway I'm pretty sure you haven't seen that movie. I must make the girls watch it before we go away.
Hamey darling please can you help bring me a miracle so we can go away. At the moment it feels like such an effort to get the money. I pray things will turn around soon and we can move forward. I miss you darling.
Lots of love mum xxxxxxx
5 April 2023
Darling Hamey, hi my little precious. Did you come grocery shopping with me and the girls tonight? I hadn't really done a proper grocery shop with a trolley at Aldi in weeks/months it feels. When we were packing the bags at the car I had this pang of sadness of you and that here we are just shopping and packing the car and there is nothing in there for you. None of
your cheese pizzas or chip snacks. You wont be home when we get home and I'm yelling at you to come down and help unload the car and show you what we got for you. Such a weird feeling Hamey. When you catch yourself doing something normal and you're going with the flow and then you realise your not there. Its really upsetting.
23 April 2023
Darling Hamey, hi baby it's Sunday night. I finally finished my statement for Andy today and emailed it through. I held it together for ages and was very mature about the whole thing. Removing my nasty remarks and blame and swear words. Basically it came down to you being bullied all those years and the damage it did to you and building up over the years. I wish I had taken you out of school. I wish I had taken you to different counsellors or psychologists and most of all I wish you were still here. I still think (name removed) should have handled the situation better and not put you in with the bullies and instead protected you more. Instead of thinking you were a trouble maker.
Anyway I have sent it off now and I will follow up with Andy during the week. I also typed up quite a few more of my letters to you. I'm getting quite a collection together. It's hard reading back through them. They do make me cry. I miss you so much darling.
Lots of love mum xxxxxxxxx
13th May 2023
Darling Hamey, hi baby. It my first Mother's Day without you tomorrow. You know what I thought I will wear my bracelet that has the little angel message on it from you. So that was comforting I had something special.
Today I was trying to find Kamryn's birth certificate as Gada needs it to cancel our holiday to Europe. So sad anyway I couldn't find her birth cert. I was looking everywhere for it. Which lead me to finding more of your things. So that's quite lovely as I now have a cute little note I found from you that says 'Dear Mum, I love you, from Hamish' and it has a lovely drawing you did of you and me. So that was such a nice find and I have stuck it up on my desk. I also then found your hair from your first haircut and the little umbilical clip they put on you when you were first born. It was in your baby health book – which I never even filled anything in.
15 June 2023
Darling Hamey, gorgeous boy!! I wonder what your doing. Tonight I got home an came up to my bedroom to change into my daggy trackies so I could cuddle the dogs. I noticed your sheep that is in my room was on the floor. I'm sure he was sitting on the chair this morning. I wonder how he moved. Was it you? Maybe I should ask Charli and see if it was her.
18th June 2023
Darling Hamey, hi baby. Its been a really sad day today. It's 6 months since you left us. Which has brought up intense memories and sadness all day. I have pretty much cried all day and now again thinking of you and just feeling awful. I took the dogs to your memorial again and we stood there for a while and looked out. My heart actually hurt Hamey. I could feel it aching. Missing you and loving you so much and wanting you back so badly darling. Man it f**king hurts so much. Its like I'm just re-living everything and its so painful. I was trying to think of an excuse for something to say tomorrow at work when we talk about the weekend or
just what's on our mind, because I don't want to say its 6 months since you went away because I will start crying again and feel terrible. I'll get through the day and come home and feel sad again then no doubt. F**king hell darling, so much to deal with and feel sad about. I would do anything to have you back Hamey. I miss you so much. Lots of love mum xxxxxxxx
19th June 2023
Darling Hamey, well that's it Hame another f**ked up milestone. 6 months to the date we found you had left us. The coroner said you had passed before midnight on the 18th. Even writing that sentence makes me feel sick Hamish. Just sick and sad and it hurts. Today Andy sent a note to say he is about to submit your report to the coroner. I reminded him it was 6 months today and he said he couldn't imagine how we must feel as it had been challenging for him to write the report and he had to give himself breaks away from it. I think I have a headache now. I want to see the report. Then its just going to bring it all flooding back again. When I write to you its just day by day. Having to go back through everything is heart wrenching. I know this because I have been putting off typing up your story from the
notebooks and now I'm going to be weeks behind. I will have to make an effort to do that Hamey.
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