Straight Men Confess How They Really Feel About Age-Gap Relationships. Their Answers Are Surprising.

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Earlier this summer, author and real-life Carrie Bradshaw Candace Bushnell wrote about dating over 60 for The Cut — and found (shockingly) that some men her age showed a preference for younger women.
One man she'd connected with on a dating app, identified as Buckley, told her, 'I don't see age. I'll date women older or younger but especially younger because we have more in common.'
Predictably, this quote raised the internet's eyebrows. Buckley, 63, confidently said he felt he had the most in common with women in their mid-20s. He was mainly referring to their similar priorities in relationships, i.e., the desire for no-strings sex.
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Out of that context, this statement is at the very least baffling: Why would women with two decades of life experience have the most in common with him and his six?
Sex is one thing, but long-term age-gap relationships are another. Depending on the age of both people in the couple, these relationships are often judged harshly (with some generations having more criticism of these dynamics than others), but they're not a monolith.
Yes, age-gap relationships can be a source of worrying power imbalances, but many are also happy, healthy and mutually beneficial. It's all dependent on context and willingness from both sides to compensate for any disparities.
'In some cultures, age-gap relationships are common,' Akua K. Boateng, a psychotherapist and therapeutic coach said. 'They are held to be an exchange of wisdom, insight and vitality. In these connections, a mutually agreed upon connection is necessary. Shared values and a desire for a unified partnership holds these relationships together.'
Sabrina Zohar, a dating coach and podcaster, isn't the biggest fan of age-gap relationships. 'Honestly? Most of the time they make me uncomfortable, especially when there's a significant gap,' she said. 'Like, a 50-year-old man has had decades to figure out manipulation tactics, career success, financial stability, while a 25-year-old is still figuring out who they are. It's not always predatory, but the potential is definitely there.'
Still, Zohar recognizes that not all these relationships are created equal. 'Am I saying they can never work? Absolutely not!' she said. 'We just need to look at the two people engaging in the dynamic.'
Both Zohar and Boateng agree that said dynamic can indeed have some red flags: 'The older partner usually controls the lifestyle, where they live, how they spend money, what social circles they move in. The younger person might feel grateful for this 'upgrade,' but it creates dependency,' Zohar said. 'Plus there's this mentorship dynamic that can get toxic fast when one person is always the 'teacher' and the other is expected to be the grateful student.'
For Zohar, there are some strict prerequisites for an age-gap relationship to be healthy, starting with the age of both people when they begin dating. 'Both people need to be actual adults. I'm talking mid-20s minimum, when your brain is fully developed,' she said. 'The younger person needs to have their own established identity, career, friend group and relationship experience before entering the dynamic.'
On the subject of brain development, BBC Science Focuspoints out that the oft-cited factoid that the brain finishes developing at 25 is not based in any actual hard evidence, and puts forward the counterpoint that cognitive decline sets in around middle age, which can effectively level things out. An investigation in Slatemakes similar arguments, establishing that 25 may be the age when many people's prefrontal cortex — which is responsible for certain aspects of decision-making — becomes fully developed, but that this isn't true for everyone.
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It also reminds us that the prefrontal cortex is just one part of the brain and that other brain regions play a role in our decision-making behaviors too. These arguments may serve as important context when considering real people's age-gap relationship stories, while still being mindful of the equally real pitfalls of those age differences.
'For it to work, the older partner has to actively work against using their advantages as leverage. No financial control, no isolating them from peers, no 'I know better because I'm older' attitudes,' Zohar said. 'And honestly? Both people need to be in similar life phases despite the age difference, like both established in careers, both wanting the same relationship goals, both having equal say in major decisions.'
With all that in mind, Zohar cautions against some significant red flags that would point to an age-gap relationship being unhealthy.
'If the older person consistently dates much younger people, that tells me they can't handle being challenged by someone their own age,' she said. 'If they're isolating their partner from friends their own age or making comments like 'people your age are so immature,' that's manipulation.' She also warns against financial control and the teacher-student dynamic, where the younger person is never treated as an equal partner in the relationship.
HuffPost spoke to eight men about their age-gap relationships with younger women. Their stories, edited for clarity and length, are below.
The Filmmakers, 60 and 33
My wife, Asia Scoon, is 33 years old and I am 60, soon to be 61. I first noticed her in 2014 from a distance. I thought she was older until I got closer and could see the youth in her face. I opted not to say anything to her as a result. Later, our paths would cross again as she worked in a men's clothing store. I discovered she was in film school, which immediately piqued my interest. I had done some production work for BET's 'American Gangster' series.
We decided to collaborate on a film about race, politics and police. That film was 'Black White & Blue' and we've been working on independent projects ever since. Other than the age gap, we have a very traditional relationship regarding roles. It works for us. I'm sure people have their thoughts but I'm not concerned about that.
I think more importantly than emphasizing the age gap, the key to our relationship is compatibility and maturity. The only challenge may be children. If we have any, I will absolutely dedicate the rest of my life to them. They deserve it. She deserves it. Sometimes love comes in the least expected ways. You can't be afraid. The only chance you might get is the chance you take. I'm really glad I took the chance with Asia. She is my peace.
— Curtis Scoon
'Foxy Young Chippy,' 54 and 39
We met on a friends' vacation to Turks and Caicos. We hung out all week. I thought she wouldn't like me because of our age difference. She is a young-looking 39. I have heard some snide comments here or there, but not that often. Gifts, I have a foxy young chippy! Challenges, we did not grow up with the same pop culture references, songs, TV, movies, etc.
Oddly, that poses more of a challenge than you would think. Also, I worry that 39 and 54 isn't bad, but 80 and 65 is. I am happy that she may get to have an entire new relationship after I am gone, but I am sad that she will have to watch me go.
— David Elliott
Timing Is Everything, 50 and 34
We met online through a dating app and we've been together almost seven years. After years of dating a range of ages, it became very apparent that I just meshed better with younger women so I began to seek that out. To me it felt like younger women were perfectly content with a guy who had his shit together rather than women my age who were looking for Mr. Perfect.
I've never really felt judged about the age gap, other than a little ribbing from my friends, but that's all good-natured. Our friends are just happy we're both in a great relationship. We make each other better. She really respects my point of view on things, being an older man and having more experience with 'life.' I try to be a good role model for her and lead our household. She takes really good care of herself in every way and is very attractive. That's important to me.
Also, we have a 3- and 2-year-old together so probably wouldn't have a little family like we do if there wasn't a gap. I think it helps that at 50 years old, I've had a lot of different life experiences (good and bad), have a son from a previous marriage, and am pretty grounded. If we had met when I was 36 and she was 20, it wouldn't be the same. The timing was right for both of us.
— Chris Heiler
Growing Together, 58 and 39
It was a chance meeting in a bar on an unplanned night out with friends. We had a lot in common, worked in similar creative industries, and the next few dates just felt easy. We've been together over 15 years. We both have a youthful outlook and similar interests in life, so I don't believe our age gap is the first thing anyone notices.
I think it's made me a more well-rounded person, taking on board a younger person's views and opinions. I think as people age, there is a risk you become set in your ways. A well-balanced couple should grow and help each other with this, but I think an age gap of sorts can be a valuable strength for both parties to attain a healthy balance and help each other see things from different viewpoints.
The biggest challenge initially, and to a lesser degree now, is I didn't want to be thought of as 'that bloke that goes for young women.' It just happened, and I feel lucky, as Emma is my best friend and biggest love of my life. Our relationship has had an unexpected benefit: a motivation to stay healthy and active. Being in this relationship keeps me focused on long-term health and showing up as my best self.
— Andy O'Shaughnessy
Two Vegan Witches, 53 and 28
I started volunteering to help at Misfits Coven, the animal sanctuary [my partner Britt] founded. We were both going through extremely sad, difficult times in our lives and found comfort sharing time together on the farm, and eventually outside of the nonprofit hours as well. I've always felt you should be with the person with whom you align on the most important issues like spirituality, ethics, lifestyle, diet, family goals, music ... If a relationship sparks between consenting adults, I don't see why age should be a factor to anyone else if it isn't to the people in the partnership.
Fortunately, we've not encountered judgment from our friends or family because the people who care about us and truly know us see how happy we've made each other and how we've improved each other's lives. I love that we can broaden each other's worldview and share perspectives unique to our generations. I'm a strange character with untraditional boxes to check, I'm an out-of-the-broom closet priest of a Witchcraft tradition, I've been vegan since the '90s, I travel the world playing in a heavy metal band, and I volunteer with Allegheny CleanWays to pick trash out of the river on my rare off weekends. Finding someone who not only tolerates such unconventional personal choices but who themselves is also a music-loving vegan witch, as well as a full-time animal and environmental activist, is a miracle, especially in our little slice of Appalachia. If I denied our mutual attraction simply because we were born in different decades, I'd be insulting the forces of the universe that put us in each other's paths.
Look, life is fleeting, and finding people you click with is tough. Some folks never do. So, when you hear about a consenting adult couple who are happy together but have an age gap that you don't approve of, if your first reaction is critique, maybe dial that back. No one is going to make you date someone who's out of your preferred age range, so it's okay to sit this one out in the comment section. Keep scrolling, and let people enjoy their version of happiness in a world that is increasingly difficult to find it in.
— Jason Myers
Connection Over Age, 60 and 45
I don't personally 'pursue' age-gap relationships but am focused more on quality connection than a number. I am 60 and tell the dating apps I'm OK going 20 years older and 20 years younger. That said, I'm dating a 45-year-old woman who is getting divorced after a 25-year marriage.
While our relationship is not yet a year [old], so I don't know that I've felt judgment from loved ones or my community, I am very aware when we go out in public that I'm gray and balding and she beams youth — so there is almost certainly judgment from strangers. Clearly there is a segment of men my age and older who are looking for a 20- or 30-year-old. Personally I have no interest in dating someone my daughter's age, but I'm also not going to 'yuck' someone else's 'yum.'
— Paul Aaron Travis, founder of The School For Love
Co-CEOs, 55 and 25
I met my wife, Dana, in 2020 on Seeking.com, the luxury dating platform I created in 2006. We have been together since then. We married in 2022 without a prenup and waiving our rights to a divorce. Today, Dana runs Seeking.com with me as co-CEO. I have been in a number of age-gap relationships before. And yes, it is my personal preference. Over time, we've learned to focus our attention on those who truly know us and support our happiness. We've found strength by staying true to our relationship, openly communicating and confronting misunderstandings directly through honest conversations and advocacy. In fact, dealing with criticism has made our bond even stronger because it reinforces our shared values and commitment to each other.
Our differences in age enrich our conversations, inspire mutual growth and keep our relationship dynamic and fresh. While we do face occasional misunderstandings or external judgment, these experiences encourage patience, empathy and open communication, ultimately strengthening our relationship even more. The greatest gift, regardless of our age gap, is love itself.
— Brandon Wade, Founder & CEO of Seeking.com
Going Nowhere, 53 and 35
I am a very active person. I like to skateboard, surf, wakeboard, do Lyra and slackline. These things put me in a social circle of people much younger then I am. I was hosting a birthday party on my boat for my friend's girlfriend, and Mindy was invited as a guest. We got some time to speak on the boat, and found that we had a lot in common.
... I remember being on a beach with Mindy late at night and we were kissing and she said, 'you know, this is going nowhere.' We have been married six years and have a child together. I have not been in an age-gap relationship before. This is not something I would prefer. I believe my wife is perfect in every way, and I feel cheated out of 18 years of life with her. It motivates me to make every day count. To wake up every morning and know this is not a given.
I have never had any judgment, but I am also a male. It tends to be more acceptable, especially in Miami, to be older and date or marry a younger woman. I think my wife and I are so compatible that it makes sense to everyone that we should be together. The gift is being with the right person, no matter the gap. It also helps being in a better position financially so I can give my wife all the things she deserves, spoil her a little and not have to go through the financial lean times I had to in my 20s. The challenge is that I don't get as many years with her, and we won't grow old the same way together. It's something I regret, but there is nothing I can do about it.
— Cristian 'Tian' DeSetaSolve the daily Crossword