Personal Milestone: Regaining My Full Strength After PsA
This is a post I've wanted to write for a long time. Not because I needed to prove anything, but because I knew how much this moment would mean to me when it finally came.
After four years of navigating life with psoriatic arthritis, I can finally say: I've regained my full strength.
It still feels strange to put that into words. There was a time when that version of me felt completely out of reach – like she was part of a past life I'd never get back. But here I am.
When I first got sick, I had no idea what was happening to me. The fatigue was relentless. Not the kind of tired you feel after a long day, but the kind that sinks in and doesn't go away no matter how much you rest. Everything became hard. Just getting out of bed took effort. Moving around the house felt like a workout. And over time, my muscles started to atrophy. I became so weak I could hardly recognize myself.
I spent about six months in bed before I got on the right treatment plan. That half-year stripped me down in so many ways. Physically, I was barely functioning. Emotionally, I was overwhelmed. I grieved the version of myself who could do things without having to plan every movement. The one who could walk, lift, carry, stretch – without pain, without hesitation.
During that time, I remember staring at my old workout clothes hanging in the closet, wondering if I'd ever be able to wear them again. Not just because they represented fitness, but because they symbolized a version of myself I missed deeply: capable, energized, free. I missed feeling strong not just in my body, but in my spirit.
Back then, I wasn't sure I'd ever feel strong again. And honestly, there were many moments where I stopped trying to hope. It felt safer not to. Setting expectations too high only led to more disappointment, and I was already carrying enough grief.
But slowly, piece by piece, I started rebuilding. Not in some cinematic, dramatic way. Just one day at a time. It started with sitting up more often. Then stretching. Then walking a little. Then lifting light weights – much lighter than what I was used to, but still a start.
It was hard. It was humbling. It was slow. And sometimes it felt like nothing was happening. But over the years, with patience and consistency, I've worked my way back.
There were so many moments when I had to celebrate the smallest wins: being able to unload the dishwasher without sitting down halfway through. Taking a shower and drying my hair without needing a nap afterward. Doing five bodyweight squats without my joints screaming at me. None of these things would be impressive to the average person – but to me, they were everything.
Now, I'm lifting the same weights I could before all of this started. I'm doing the workouts I used to do, with modifications as needed. I'm moving with confidence again. That's not to say everything is easy now. I still need more rest. I still have to plan ahead. I still deal with symptoms. But I can do what I love again. And for me, that's huge.
Strength has taken on a new meaning for me. It's no longer about what I look like or how many reps I can do. It's about what I've overcome. It's about continuing to show up for myself even when I'm tired or discouraged or flaring. It's about listening to my body and adjusting when I need to. It's about the resilience I've built by starting over again and again.
What most people don't see is how much effort it takes behind the scenes. Planning workouts around medication timing. Making sure I recover properly. Accepting that some days I'll need to scale back. Giving myself grace when my body needs more than I want to give it. This isn't the same kind of strength I had before. But in many ways, it's more powerful now. Because it's hard-earned. Because I had to fight for it.
And it wasn't just the physical effort; it was mental, emotional, and spiritual too. Rebuilding strength meant rebuilding trust with my body. After so many months of feeling like my body was betraying me, it took time to believe that we could be on the same team again. That my body wasn't the enemy – it was the place where healing could still happen, even if it didn't look like I expected it to.
Looking back on those early days of diagnosis, it's hard to recognize myself. Not just because I was physically weaker, but because I felt so disconnected from the life I knew. I felt like I had lost so much of who I was. And it wasn't just about not being able to lift weights; it was about losing independence, confidence, even identity. Chronic illness can do that to you. It strips things away until you're forced to rebuild from the ground up.
But that rebuilding process has changed me. It's made me slower, yes – but more intentional. Softer in some ways, but stronger in others. More aware of what actually matters. More grateful for the things I used to overlook.
Now, every time I lift something heavy or go for a long walk or push through a workout, it feels like a small act of reclamation. Like I'm getting more of myself back. Not the exact same version I was before, but a version that's rooted, steady, and a lot more compassionate.
There's also something incredibly grounding about knowing what it took to get here. When I see myself in the mirror or hit a new personal best at the gym, I don't just see muscle.I see perseverance. I see every bad day I moved through, every flare I didn't let define me, every painful step that led me back to movement. My strength isn't measured in pounds or performance anymore. It's measured in presence. In resilience. In grace.
If you're in the thick of it right now – whether you're newly diagnosed, flaring, or just completely worn out – I hope this gives you a little hope. Not the kind that tells you everything will magically get better, but the kind that reminds you healing is possible in its own way, in its own time.
Progress might be slow. It might feel invisible for a while. You might take two steps forward and one step back. But your body is still yours. Your strength is still there, even if it's buried under layers of pain and fatigue and frustration. You don't have to rush it. You don't have to force it. You just have to keep showing up when you can. And rest when you can't.
You're not weak for needing more time. You're not failing because your recovery doesn't look like someone else's. Healing is not linear, and it definitely doesn't care about timelines. But it does happen. I'm proof of that.
Four years ago, I couldn't walk across my house without getting winded. I couldn't lift 5 pounds. I couldn't imagine doing a full-body workout again. But now, I'm doing it. Not perfectly. Not always easily. But I'm doing it.
And more than anything, I'm proud of that.
Not proud in a 'look at me' way, but proud in a quiet, grounded way. The kind that comes from knowing what it took to get here. From remembering how hard it was. From honoring the version of me who didn't give up, even when she wanted to.
So yeah, this is a milestone worth marking. Not because I'm 'back to normal,' but because I found my strength again. Because I now understand that strength can look different at different points in life, and that doesn't make it any less real.
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