Wimbledon's most annoying spectators — ranked

Times

08-07-2025

It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is a joy and a privilege to be a tennis fan in possession of Wimbledon tickets. Yet the love can soon be diluted by the spectators around you. This is all in the luck of the draw … let's take a look at a few of them.
You are a 34-year-old man sitting behind us and you've presumably had a few drinks. You conduct a near-monologue addressed to your neighbour throughout all play in a loud voice. You are undeterred by any hints to be quiet as your life story is clearly more fascinating than watching world-class tennis players. We are relieved to hear you report that your bladder is full and you need to exit.Score: 5/5
You are a young woman, dressed up for Wimbledon with your boyfriend. You both look smart; the problem is that the tennis bores you. You spend the whole time scrolling on your phone or texting, even though typing is quite difficult with your nail extensions. You sit in front of us and we find your flickering screen slightly distracting. You have the spirit to shush the aforementioned bore talking behind us; but why bother? Is he interrupting your texting?Score: 3/5
You are a mature lady and your proportions mean you spill into your neighbour's seat. Luckily you've moved up and there is now an empty seat between us, so we're no longer entwined. You are eating chips in a desultory manner but seem to find them more interesting than the tennis.Score: 2/5
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You are a thirtysomething woman with your boyfriend and you replace the people sitting in front of us, as you've queued for the resale tickets. You are living the experience and have already bought up the Wimbledon shop judging by the sea of bags, along with your boyfriend who sports a brand-new cap. You are understandably excited to take some photos but you also feel that holding the camera above your head to film every point is more important than watching IRL. Obviously the people behind won't mind if they can't see anything except the image on your camera.Score: 4/5
You are a young man who is well into his pints and you are having a good time larking with your mates. The more you drink the more invincible you feel. You pick your moment and lean forward, inches from our ears, to bellow your support for your favourite player with a well-rehearsed witticism of the 'Come on, Andy' variety. What larks! A little of your beer may have splashed on our shoulder as you broke our ear drum but never mind, we were due a trip to the dry-cleaner's anyway.Score: 4/5
You are a young woman with Lady Godiva-length hair that you like to flick from side to side because it feels seductive — except not for those behind you, as we have to rear back to avoid ingesting your coiffure as it slaps across our face. The sun comes out and you wisely put on a large floppy hat. You are pleased that it is not only practical but gives you a desirably winsome look to complement your flowered summer dress. You must then continue your head tossing to keep us constantly guessing in our quest for the small gap behind your wide brim for a glimpse of the tennis. We consider swapping seats with our companion but we can't see through the neck of your tall, rugby-playing boyfriend either, whose stature creates a human shield from the tennis …Score: 4/5
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You are a mature student who likes to patrol the grounds with a large backpack carrying your picnic, iced drinks, rain poncho and items for all eventualities. You don't want to pay silly prices at the food stalls! You like to enter a tightly crowded area and then swivel around suddenly, oblivious to the lethal weapon you carry on your back, which swings in an arc behind you to flatten the nearest bystander.Score: 5/5
You are an older chap in your club tie who once played tennis to a decent level back in the days of the wooden racket. You like to make disapproving comments about modern players' behaviour. You tend to nod off during points but at least any enthusiastic applause wakens you and you can join in the clapping before your next nap.Score: 2/5
You are a young man who must wait till everyone in your row has settled down again after having had to rise several times during a changeover to let people past; then you decide on a last-minute lunge for the exit. At least it's good exercise for strengthening everyone's glutes akin to box squats at the gym. When you return with a large collection of drinks from the bar, make sure you appear just as 'Time'' is called so that you can proceed very slowly along the row until you reach your seat in the middle. Never mind if you obscure our view of that key point where the crowd gave a huge roar; if we feel wistfully curious to know what happened, we can always catch up later on the TV highlights.Score: 5/5