If your partner insists you always do this together, you need to run

News.com.au

a day ago

It might seem cute, intimate even, but relationship experts have warned a common 'romantic' gesture can actually be a sign you are in extreme danger.
On the surface, showering as a couple is the ultimate act of intimacy, one that even comes with a slew of health benefits such as stress relief and increased bonding, with heat and physical touch known to release oxytocin, the 'feel-good' or 'love' hormone.
But when showering together becomes insisted upon by one partner, shifting the basic human need into something that cannot be done without the other, it becomes a worrying act of control.
Sydney-based lawyer and domestic violence advocate, Cassandra Kalpaxis, explained it is easily mistaken as a bid for closeness but can be determined as a precursor to domestic violence and abuse.
'Insisting on shared showers removes one of the few moments of privacy and bodily autonomy we have,' she told news.com.au.
'It creates an opportunity for surveillance, and often for sexual coercion, masked as intimacy. It's not about hygiene or connection: it's about access and control.'
The owner of family and divorce lawyer firm, Kalpaxis Legal, added: 'It's a red flag because it represents something bigger: the slow erosion of space, boundaries, and consent in the relationship. Even when it's framed as 'love,' if it's non-negotiable, it's not safe.'
US psychotherapist, Aishia Grevenberg, shared similar concerns while appearing on the RISK! podcast with journalist, Mel Hamlett, to discussed their advocacy after both surviving domestic abuse.
'Several women have shared their stories, explaining their partner always made them shower with them,' Ms Hamlett said.
'And I was like, 'Ha, that's what he [my ex] did'. Because at first it was cute, I was like, 'Oh, is this what couple's do', because I had never been in a relationship before.
'So I was like, 'OK, cool, we shower together', I didn't realise that was one of his ways of control.'
She went on to explain that she 'always had to shower with him', adding that her former partner would also urinate on her as he stood behind her.
'There were all of these little ways that he was like, 'I hate you, I hate you',' she explained.
Dr Grevenberg said the controlling tactic is commonly used by abusers to create a 'hive mind', a term that is used to describe how individuals are influenced by social groups, trends, or collective understanding of the world, sometimes leading to uncritical acceptance of information or behaviours.
'It's two heads, one mind, saying 'you have to shower with me' is him being intrusive to these very personal, private moments,' she shared.
'He's inserting himself and demanding, and you didn't have enough experience to know, 'I don't need to shower with you, I don't need to do this'.
'But he knew you didn't have the lived experience, and he exploited this, to step into your life and take over.'
A video of the women discussing the little-known sign of coercive control has amassed almost 1 million views, with many expressing shock and disbelief in the comments.
'My ex did this too, he even controlled how much toothpaste I used. He washed me, washed my hair,' shared one.
'This just triggered me. My narcissistic ex would do this so that he could claim every space so that I never had anything of my own. The peeing thing too, ugh, God,' wrote someone else.
As one raged: 'What the actual HELL! People do this?'
Others stressed that everyone is entitled to privacy in a relationship.
'You don't even have to change in front of your partner,' said one.
'Wow I didn't know this was common in DV relationships.,' added another.
While one woman argued: 'Men are so dangerous. If he does this, run.'
Each week across Australia, a woman is killed in an act of domestic and family violence.
The NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team found that 97 per cent of intimate partner homicides in NSW (2000–2018) were preceded by coercive and controlling behaviours, such as emotional and psychological abuse.
Yet, despite growing awareness, coercive control is still widely misunderstood and frequently dismissed until it escalates into physical violence.
'One of the most dangerous things about coercive control is that it often flies under the radar – not just for the victim, but for friends, family and even professionals,' Ms Kalpaxis said.
'It doesn't always look like 'abuse' in the way people expect. The behaviours often co-occur and escalate over time.
'What might start as 'just checking in' soon becomes full surveillance, financially, emotionally and physically.
'Victims gradually lose autonomy, confidence and the ability to resist. It's rarely one dramatic incident, it's the cumulative pressure, delivered dropâ€'byâ€'drop.'
Some of the most common signs, many of which are overlooked, can include isolation disguised as concern, financial 'help' that becomes dependence and threats or guilt-based manipulation.
'This can look like making you feel guilty for spending time with others, or frame your loved ones as threats to your relationship,' she said.
'Taking over all the finances, such as giving you an allowance, or preventing you from working, limiting your freedom to leave.
'They may also say things like, 'You'll never make it without me,' or use children, pets, or personal secrets as leverage.'
Other alarm bells include, surveillance masked as trust, such as asking for your phone password, tracking your location, or monitoring your conversations under the guise of love or 'transparency.'
Micromanagement of your choices: This can look like dictating what you wear, eat, read, or how you spend your time. Even saying things like 'That outfit is too revealing' or 'Why do you need the gym?'
Ms Kalpaxis said that a partner undermining your abilities, dismissing your achievements, or making you feel like you'd be lost without them, is a sign of emotional belittling, while someone who subtly turns friends and family against you or plants seeds that you're 'unstable' or 'emotional' so if you ever speak up, you won't be believed, is attempting to control of the narrative.