The baby shower comment that ended a friendship—and what it reveals about how women fail each other
Infertility can be an isolating, deeply personal struggle—and it often unfolds quietly, even in close circles of friends. While many women do everything they can to show up for others' milestones, baby showers can be especially triggering. When that space of celebration becomes a setting for a public joke about what you don't have, it can feel like the grief has nowhere to hide.
In this case, the joke came from someone who knew the poster's struggle. And when she chose to walk away instead of making a scene, some people said she overreacted. But the overwhelming response—from women who've been there—told a different story.
AIO for walking out of a baby shower I co-hosted after the mom-to-be made a joke about my infertility? byu/flex0tx inAmIOverreacting
The emotional labor of infertile friends in a motherhood-centered culture
Infertility can be isolating. According to the CDC, about 1 in 5 heterosexual women aged 15 to 49 with no prior births are unable to get pregnant after one year of trying. And while that's a statistic, the lived experience is far more layered.
Infertile women are often expected to show up for gender reveals, baby showers, and birth announcements with a smile—and without flinching. But beneath the surface, there's often deep grief, compounded by cultural norms that center motherhood as a woman's ultimate identity.
Dr. Jessica Zucker—a clinical psychologist, author of I Had a Miscarriage and Normalize It—has been a vocal advocate for breaking the silence around reproductive grief. On how social norms discourage genuine expression, she notes:
'We're groomed to just make things okay, push it away, push it aside, and move forward.'
And she advises avoiding platitudes like 'at least you can get pregnant' or 'everything happens for a reason,' suggesting instead: 'How are you doing? I'm here for you. I'd like to hear about your experience, if and when you want.'
Related: Mom-to-be asks if it's OK to uninvite SIL with infertility struggles from her baby shower
Microaggressions among women: when jokes aren't just jokes
Teasing someone about their lack of parenting experience might seem like low-stakes humor, but when the context is infertility, it crosses a line. These comments are microaggressions—small and subtle but deeply wounding.
Therapist and boundary expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, LCSW, explains in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace, that microaggressions often reflect deeper dynamics of judgment and shame. She emphasizes that speaking up about how they hurt is an important step in protecting your emotional well-being.
Many women who've experienced infertility share that some of the most painful moments come from friends who, despite good intentions, minimize their reality or make their struggles the punchline.
How to set boundaries when your pain is dismissed
Boundaries are essential when a friendship becomes emotionally unsafe. And they're especially important when your vulnerability is met with mockery.
So what does that look like in practice? According to Tawwab, boundaries don't always have to be confrontational. Sometimes they're as simple as removing yourself from a painful situation—which is exactly what this Reddit poster did.
But if you want to preserve the relationship, a follow-up conversation might sound like:
'That comment really hurt. I need to take a step back and think about what I need from this friendship.'
'I know you may have meant it as a joke, but my infertility isn't something I'm okay being teased about.'
If the response is defensive or dismissive, that's also information.
What to say—and not say—to a friend struggling with infertility
If you want to be a supportive friend to someone dealing with infertility, here's what experts recommend:
Say:
'I'm here if you ever want to talk—or not talk—about it.'
'This must be so hard. I'm so sorry.'
'How can I support you?'
Avoid:
Jokes about parenting 'qualifications'
Minimizing the pain: 'At least you know you can have fun trying!'
Toxic positivity: 'It'll happen when it's meant to.'
Related: Woman wants her baby shower gift back after her friend suffers a miscarriage in Reddit post
Friendship shouldn't require emotional self-abandonment
Ultimately, this Reddit post is about the way women are often expected to downplay their own grief to maintain someone else's joy. To stay silent in the face of pain. To smile through tears—and then apologize for making others uncomfortable.
When a friend turns your pain into a punchline, it's okay to walk away.
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