How professional cleaners deal with their own mess
On their websites, TikToks and HGTV shows, professional cleaners and organizers often seem as if they live in magically tidy, sparkling homes. But there's no Disney cartoon alchemy at play; these scrub-it-up experts simply stick to tiny, purposeful tasks on a regular basis.
'My general rule is 15 minutes a day. I divide our apartment up by days of the week, and then do deeper quarterly maintenance,' says Tyler Moore, a schoolteacher in New York City who blogs and produces online content as 'Tidy Dad.'
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2 hours ago
- Yahoo
4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists
4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists originally appeared on Parade. 'Gaslighting' has been a buzzword for a while. You may have read articles about what gaslighting is, watched TikToks where creators shared their stories with it or even used the word when talking to friends about an refresher: Gaslighting is manipulating another person to make them doubt their perceptions and even their that wasn't scary enough, there are also 'high-level gaslighters.' But what are they, how can you spot one and how can you deal with them? Parade reached out to psychologists to learn about the common habits and behaviors to look out for. Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists First, let's talk about what sets a high-level gaslighter one, they are 'more calculated, polished and subtle in their tactics,' according to Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. They're generally likeable people, he continues, and they use plausible deniability and 'reasonable' language to make their lies seem more Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women, shares similar input. She adds they're 'often socially rewarded for the very traits that make their behavior so dangerous,' and that they're hard to spot 'because on the surface, they often seem emotionally intelligent, generous, even vulnerable.' That can drive you deeper into the relationship and its unhealthiness. 'When we can't clearly name what's happening, we're more likely to internalize the harm,' Dr. Kelley explains. 'That confusion is part of what makes this so damaging and so difficult to walk away from.'You may be curious why people are this way—not to excuse their behavior, just to understand what's going on. According to these psychologists, several reasons could be at play: wanting to control the narrative or people's perceptions, to preserve their image and power, to avoid facing emotional discomfort and to protect their ego. Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to PsychologistsWhat that might look like in practice, Dr. Cohen says, is claiming they 'never said that,' shifting blame to make you question your reality, or eroding your confidence and self-trust so they're more dominant and in the cause of that, he continues, could be a variety of factors, from narcissistic personality disorder to antisocial tendencies to even deep insecurity. As mentioned, one of the 'charms' of high-level gaslighters is that they seem emotionally intelligent. You may feel as though they're in touch with your feelings and know that they use that information strategically and for their benefit. 'They'll validate you just enough to build trust, then later use your words or vulnerabilities to deflect blame or gain control,' Dr. Kelley says. Dr. Cohen makes a similar point about how high-level gaslighters often exploit the fact that you're a caring person. 'They use your values, like compassion or loyalty, against you,' he says. They may say something like, 'You're supposed to be understanding, not accusing me,' when you try to set boundaries or discuss a makes phrases like that work, he continues, is that it leads you to doubt yourself. The gaslighter presents you as the 'bad guy' for something as normal as having an emotion or a question. Sensitive people and empaths are particularly vulnerable to high-level gaslighters, Dr. Kelley adds, because they're more likely to doubt themselves and lean toward Have you ever brought up a time they said something hurtful, and they swear it didn't happen? That can be another sign.'They conveniently 'forget' critical events or conversations, especially the ones that prove your version of reality,' Dr. Cohen says. 'Over time, you question your memory, become hesitant to trust your gut and depend more on them for 'truth.''Sometimes, people genuinely remember things differently. The difference is, they aren't trying to manipulate you or make you question your sanity by saying so. It's easier to point out an outright lie (even though a high-level gaslighter may deny that too). But another piece that makes their gaslighting high-level (and therefore harder to notice) is the fact that they frequently don't go for a complete lie. Instead, they twist the story just enough to confuse. Dr. Kelley calls it 'strategic misdirection.''They may say things that are vague, contradictory or half-true, so if you confront them, it's easy for them to flip it back on you,' she says. 'It keeps you in a mental fog, constantly trying to decode what's real.'Phrases they may use, she continues, are 'That's not what I said' and 'You misunderstood me.' And again, what makes that so confusing is that misunderstandings do happen and aren't always manipulative. With a gaslighter, though, trust that they When you're doubting yourself, your perceptions and your reality, you may turn to a loved one or other person who was there. Did what you think happened really happen? Be aware that their perception may not be accurate either. High-level gaslighters 'cultivate strong, positive impressions with others (bosses, friends, therapists) so that if you confront them, they can subtly frame you as unstable or overreactive to others,' Dr. Cohen says. In other words, your coworkers or friends might not see the gaslighter's bad side, so they feed you the same (wrong) information. This is a form of triangulation, or bringing a third person into the conflict or to complicate things.'It isolates the target and discredits them while the gaslighter maintains credibility,' Dr. Cohen adds. As a result, you may feel—or worry you're seen as—even more 'crazy.' This gives the gaslighter more Kelley shares a major sign. 'They might make small comments to others about you, hint at your instability or share selective versions of events, all while playing the role of the 'reasonable' one,' she says. 'Over time, you may feel more and more alone, unsure of who you can trust. That isolation is exactly what makes their version of reality too hard to challenge.'Related: Take notes on what's happening, even if and when you don't trust your judgment.'Keeping a written or digital log of conversations, events or patterns creates an objective record you can refer back to,' Dr. Cohen explains. 'Be specific with dates and times and verbatim quotes. This counters their manipulation of facts and helps you reclaim your sense of reality.'Besides writing what was said, note how it makes you feel and what your body is telling you. 'The patterns start to reveal themselves when you see it in writing,' Dr. Kelley even if it doesn't feel true now, it may feel true the keyword is 'privately.' Where can you put these notes so the other person won't see them?Related: After your reality has been denied, it's understandable and common to distrust your intuition.'Gaslighting disconnects you from your internal compass,' Dr. Kelley affirms. Try to get that back. Journaling and paying attention to how your body feels, as mentioned above, are helpful ways to do this. Whether you're setting a boundary around how they talk to you, physical space or something different, know you're allowed to, no questions fact, not explaining may turn out in your favor. 'High-level gaslighters often twist your reasoning,' Dr. Cohen says. 'By setting firm, concise boundaries without overexplaining, you reduce their opportunities to manipulate your words.' If they ask for an explanation or justification, he suggests saying something like 'I'm not available for that conversation right now' or 'I've made my decision.' This can help you avoid getting pulled into a debate (that's impossible to win).Related: When someone is lying or has lied for a while, it can feel empowering to call them out. But remember, that won't be as healing as it may seem, nor is it necessary. 'If the relationship leaves you feeling confused, anxious or constantly self-doubting, that's enough,' Dr. Kelley says. 'Emotional safety is reason enough to set boundaries or walk away.'Related: When you feel 'crazy,' having someone to back you up and provide validation and perspective can mean so much. 'Whether it's a friend, therapist or support group, being heard and believed can be a turning point,' Dr. Kelley says. 'A validating conversation can re-anchor you in what's true.'Dr. Cohen speaks to the specific ways a therapist can help. 'A professional, in particular, can help you name what's happening and develop grounded strategies to protect yourself emotionally and psychologically,' he says. 'Create your own group of trusted advisors to check your reality and offer helpful support and practical guidance.' Up Next:Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, podcaster and author 4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jun 8, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 8, 2025, where it first appeared.
Yahoo
10 hours ago
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15 'Ew...That Gave Me The Ick" Relationship Red Flags That Are Secretly Huge Green Flags
Red flag this, green flag that. When dating, people have so many characteristics they look for in a partner. Or more truthfully, traits they try to avoid. Sometimes, though, one person's red flag is another person's green flag. We asked the BuzzFeed Community for examples of things that, when dating, some might see as a reason for pause, but they see as a good thing. The responses were fascinating: Responses have been edited for length and clarity. 1."Not having social media. I have heard (and read on BuzzFeed) that 'not having any social media is a huge red flag for me.' WHY?! HOW?! So you're upset that you don't have to police their Instagram, Facebook/Messenger, TikTok, Snapchat, etc? My partner of six years only has Snapchat and literally has like 25 friends. They are 99% friends I have met, have mutual friends with, or are his family. It's a HUGE green flag that they don't give a crap about social media and what others think about his life/our life. It's OUR life, so why should anyone expect to see into it if you're not invited? I have social media only because it's how I communicate with family. He has full access, and I have full access to his phone, etc. Why? Because we trust each other. It's so nice having a partner who doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him as much as I don't give a fuck. If you think it's a red flag, you need to ask yourself why." —Anonymous, 36; Tennessee 2."Having a quirky or weird interest. That does not automatically make someone a weirdo or obsessive. For example, my husband has ADHD and tends to get very interested in a hobby or topic quickly and loves to geek out about it. Some of his interests are kind of out there. For example, he's 27 and LOVES Disney (especially the parks and movies), LOVES gardening, LOVES caring for our bearded dragon, LOVES working on his tank, and LOVES improving his life quality. A lot of other girls in college thought he was weird for his niche and intense interests, especially because he can be kind of shy and quiet. I was the only girl who gave him a chance. And I won the jackpot! He's caring, romantic, respects me, takes great care of me and our home, and he's wicked smart. Sure, he's quirky. Sure, he doesn't have typical 'masculine' hobbies. But he's a great guy, and I wish more people saw more for him than his quirks." —Anonymous, 25; Virginia 3."Not doing surprise gifts, dates, etc. Spontaneity and big gestures are highly romanticized, but they can often set both parties up for disappointment or unrealistic expectations. Communicating and involving your partner instead is a green flag for me. My partner and I like to discuss and plan fun ideas together. We go shopping for gifts together as well, so we get to pick out exactly what we like. It's so much more fun, and there is less pressure to like a gift or hope they like a gift. (And wastes less money)." —Anonymous, 30; Canada 4."Inserting himself into my college life. We currently go to different colleges, but he makes the effort to see me at my college because he wants to get to know my friends and new interests I've picked up. It's so, when I talk, he knows how to contribute to our conversations in a way that he understands what and who I'm talking about. Some people may see it as signs of insecurity or jealousy, but he truly wants to see the way I've been growing as a person now that I'm in college." —Anonymous, 18; New York 5."Online gaming. I've dated a couple of people I've met through online gaming. I know people tend to think that's a bad thing (to game a lot), but it requires communication and planning skills, especially when their gaming group includes people around the world." —Anonymous, 39; Phoenix, AZ 6."Not being close to their parents. It's great if your family is close. It's also absolutely okay if it's complicated, but sometimes it is better to cut ties with abusers or toxic people. I think it can be healthy to be no or low-contact, and it can protect partners and future children. It takes a lot of strength to break cycles." —Anonymous, 32; California 7."It's not toxic to have never dated someone before. Like, they're waiting for the truly right person to date." —Anonymous, 20; South Carolina 8."When people always respond with 'What do YOU want to do?' People find it weirdly annoying, but I think it just means they care about how you feel. I don't like it when people are like, 'What do you want to do?' 'Oh, I was thinking ice skating, then lunch at this restaurant, then a museum…' That just feels like they've been creepily putting this whole date together for months. No, thank you." —Anonymous 9."Not responding to texts quickly. My bf was sooooo slow to respond to texts when we first exchanged numbers. I thought he wasn't interested, but it turned out that he was not a very tech-savvy guy and had no interest in his phone. This makes dates great as we can converse for hours on end and away from screens. Our interactions are always genuine, and he's so thoughtful!" —Anonymous, 16; Oklahoma 10."Having girl friends as a man. It's not a red flag. It actually tells me women feel safe around you, and you can build a relationship with a woman other than a romantic one. So that means you don't see women only as objects for your pleasure. You actually see them as human beings you can interact with just like you do with other men." —Anonymous, 22; Romania 11."Not telling someone their WHOLE life story. The older I get, there are things people keep to themselves for a reason. Doesn't mean they don't trust you or you can't trust them. If it's significant enough, it will reveal itself. I am not going to force someone I am with to tell me everything if they're not comfortable doing so. That being said, if you don't communicate what is important to you for them to share about themselves, that is all on you." —witchysorcerer621 12."Not being a self-proclaimed nice guy. This might be specific to my relationship, but he straight up told me he was 'kind of an a**hole' on our first date and said he wasn't good with emotions. It was refreshing as hell, coming from seemingly endless dates with self-professed 'nice guys' who were anything but. Turns out he's not an asshole at all, and he's pretty damn good with emotions now. That first date was 15 years ago." —rakishrogue 13."A guy cooking, cleaning, and being able to do stereotypically 'female' stuff." —Anonymous, Maddi, USA 26 14."Being upfront about dating other people. It might seem like a red flag at first, but it's actually a green one. Honesty about where you stand shows emotional maturity and respect. It also sets the stage for clear communication when the time comes to discuss exclusivity — if and when both people are ready for that step." —Anonymous, 37; Mexico "On a blind or first date: I am totally OJ with small talk. People have all sorts of different levels and experiences when it comes to meeting with a person for the first time. Being nervous is OK, and not knowing what to say is OK." —sparklysalt40 Have examples of your own where a perceived red flag is actually a green flag? Let us know in the comments or through the anonymous form below!
Buzz Feed
10 hours ago
- Buzz Feed
15 Relationship Red Flags That Are Huge Green Flags
Red flag this, green flag that. When dating, people have so many characteristics they look for in a partner. Or more truthfully, traits they try to avoid. Sometimes, though, one person's red flag is another person's green flag. We asked the BuzzFeed Community for examples of things that, when dating, some might see as a reason for pause, but they see as a good thing. The responses were fascinating: "Not having social media. I have heard (and read on BuzzFeed) that 'not having any social media is a huge red flag for me.' WHY?! HOW?! So you're upset that you don't have to police their Instagram, Facebook/Messenger, TikTok, Snapchat, etc? My partner of six years only has Snapchat and literally has like 25 friends. They are 99% friends I have met, have mutual friends with, or are his family. It's a HUGE green flag that they don't give a crap about social media and what others think about his life/our life. It's OUR life, so why should anyone expect to see into it if you're not invited? I have social media only because it's how I communicate with family. He has full access, and I have full access to his phone, etc. Why? Because we trust each other. It's so nice having a partner who doesn't give a fuck about what others think of him as much as I don't give a fuck. If you think it's a red flag, you need to ask yourself why." —Anonymous, 36; Tennessee "Having a quirky or weird interest. That does not automatically make someone a weirdo or obsessive. For example, my husband has ADHD and tends to get very interested in a hobby or topic quickly and loves to geek out about it. Some of his interests are kind of out there. For example, he's 27 and LOVES Disney (especially the parks and movies), LOVES gardening, LOVES caring for our bearded dragon, LOVES working on his tank, and LOVES improving his life quality. A lot of other girls in college thought he was weird for his niche and intense interests, especially because he can be kind of shy and quiet. I was the only girl who gave him a chance. And I won the jackpot! He's caring, romantic, respects me, takes great care of me and our home, and he's wicked smart. Sure, he's quirky. Sure, he doesn't have typical 'masculine' hobbies. But he's a great guy, and I wish more people saw more for him than his quirks." "Not doing surprise gifts, dates, etc. Spontaneity and big gestures are highly romanticized, but they can often set both parties up for disappointment or unrealistic expectations. Communicating and involving your partner instead is a green flag for me. My partner and I like to discuss and plan fun ideas together. We go shopping for gifts together as well, so we get to pick out exactly what we like. It's so much more fun, and there is less pressure to like a gift or hope they like a gift. (And wastes less money)." —Anonymous, 30; Canada "Inserting himself into my college life. We currently go to different colleges, but he makes the effort to see me at my college because he wants to get to know my friends and new interests I've picked up. It's so, when I talk, he knows how to contribute to our conversations in a way that he understands what and who I'm talking about. Some people may see it as signs of insecurity or jealousy, but he truly wants to see the way I've been growing as a person now that I'm in college." "Online gaming. I've dated a couple of people I've met through online gaming. I know people tend to think that's a bad thing (to game a lot), but it requires communication and planning skills, especially when their gaming group includes people around the world." —Anonymous, 39; Phoenix, AZ "Not being close to their parents. It's great if your family is close. It's also absolutely okay if it's complicated, but sometimes it is better to cut ties with abusers or toxic people. I think it can be healthy to be no or low-contact, and it can protect partners and future children. It takes a lot of strength to break cycles." "It's not toxic to have never dated someone before. Like, they're waiting for the truly right person to date." —Anonymous, 20; South Carolina "When people always respond with 'What do YOU want to do?' People find it weirdly annoying, but I think it just means they care about how you feel. I don't like it when people are like, 'What do you want to do?' 'Oh, I was thinking ice skating, then lunch at this restaurant, then a museum…' That just feels like they've been creepily putting this whole date together for months. No, thank you." "Not responding to texts quickly. My bf was sooooo slow to respond to texts when we first exchanged numbers. I thought he wasn't interested, but it turned out that he was not a very tech-savvy guy and had no interest in his phone. This makes dates great as we can converse for hours on end and away from screens. Our interactions are always genuine, and he's so thoughtful!" —Anonymous, 16; Oklahoma "Having girl friends as a man. It's not a red flag. It actually tells me women feel safe around you, and you can build a relationship with a woman other than a romantic one. So that means you don't see women only as objects for your pleasure. You actually see them as human beings you can interact with just like you do with other men." "Not telling someone their WHOLE life story. The older I get, there are things people keep to themselves for a reason. Doesn't mean they don't trust you or you can't trust them. If it's significant enough, it will reveal itself. I am not going to force someone I am with to tell me everything if they're not comfortable doing so. That being said, if you don't communicate what is important to you for them to share about themselves, that is all on you." —witchysorcerer621 "Not being a self-proclaimed nice guy. This might be specific to my relationship, but he straight up told me he was 'kind of an a**hole' on our first date and said he wasn't good with emotions. It was refreshing as hell, coming from seemingly endless dates with self-professed 'nice guys' who were anything but. Turns out he's not an asshole at all, and he's pretty damn good with emotions now. That first date was 15 years ago." "A guy cooking, cleaning, and being able to do stereotypically 'female' stuff." —Anonymous, Maddi, USA 26 "Being upfront about dating other people. It might seem like a red flag at first, but it's actually a green one. Honesty about where you stand shows emotional maturity and respect. It also sets the stage for clear communication when the time comes to discuss exclusivity — if and when both people are ready for that step." Finally, "On a blind or first date: I am totally OJ with small talk. People have all sorts of different levels and experiences when it comes to meeting with a person for the first time. Being nervous is OK, and not knowing what to say is OK." —sparklysalt40 Have examples of your own where a perceived red flag is actually a green flag? Let us know in the comments or through the anonymous form below!
