Why scheduling sex doesn't always improve intimacy
Early into her marriage, Dani was having intimacy issues.
A therapist suggested scheduling sex might help.
"I actually did put it in my calendar every Tuesday and Thursday, but funnily enough it didn't actually result in us having sex at all, and just increased the tension and resentment," says 34-year-old Dani, who asked we don't use her real name.
She says the strategy, which had also been suggested by a friend, didn't help uncover the unmet emotional needs and lack of desire that were blocking intimacy.
"There were much deeper issues that couldn't be solved by scheduling sex."
The concept of scheduling sex can be helpful for couples who need to make time and space for intimacy, says Kassandra Mourikis, a sex therapist based in Melbourne/Naarm.
"But it doesn't always hit the mark," she says, adding "it's often too simplistic for what is really going on".
"The most prominent criticism of scheduling sex is that it creates pressure and expectation."
We look at what else needs to happen to make scheduling sex effective — and what can you try if it doesn't work for you.
Lacking intimacy or mismatched desire are two of the most common issues among couples, especially those in long-term relationships, says Tanya Koens, a sexologist and relationship counsellor based in Sydney/Gadigal Country.
"The longer we are together, the busier we get … the more life we do together, the more difficult it gets to take that nice, intentional, intimate time together.
"Unless people prioritise sex, they don't get to it."
Ms Mourikis says there are other reasons sex may start to decline in a relationship, including "body-based changes" or the type of sex someone is wanting to have shifting.
In some cases, scheduling sex can really work for people, says Ms Mourikis.
"Planning it can mean you can prepare for it, and you can look forward to it, and get yourself ready for it."
She says even in early dating, we plan for sex more than we realise.
"There are often elements of scheduling and planning and preparing even in early dating times.
"You shave your body, have a shower, put on nice underwear, make sure you have space at home, have the time … there's a fair bit of stuff happening in the background."
Scheduling sex is most likely to work for people who know their own boundaries and how to check in with themselves, Ms Mourikis says.
"They feel they are able to advocate for themselves and can say no [if they don't feel like sex]."
Ms Koens says the longer a couple is together, the more likely they are to experience responsive desire over spontaneous desire.
Meaning, more effort needs to go into building arousal and sexual desire in the lead-up to sex.
Ms Koens notes if there is a power imbalance in the relationship, scheduling sex "can be abused".
"If it's a demand, 'We must have sex on Wednesday', that's treating it like a work meeting," Ms Koens says.
She says we are all responsible for our own sexual needs.
"Even if you are married in monogamous relationship, you are not responsible for a partner's sexual needs."
Sexual coercion involves behaviour that is not always criminal, but is usually abusive in some way.
For help you can contact 1800 RESPECT, the national body for supporting people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse.
For some people, scheduling sex will "kill desire", says Ms Mourikis.
"When there is an expectation that you will have sex an 8pm on a Wednesday night, but you are feeling really tired or not really feeling like sex, instead of curiosity and excitement, there is anxiety and dread.
"That can reinforce this anxiety and avoidance cycle."
Ms Koens says we need to be curious about what is getting in the way of sex, or what would make ourselves and our partner feel sexier.
"It's OK to not know what you like, or your partner likes, but what we need is to be curious about that.
"If we are curious, we are going to learn a bunch of stuff."
She says scheduling intimacy, rather than sex, can be an easier place to start.
"When I talk to people about the diary, I say 'You are happy to put the kids' soccer and drinks after work and that meeting and seeing your parents [in there], but not prioritise what is going on with your partner'.
"Plan to be spontaneous."
The activity should be something that "narrows the gap" to sex, Ms Koens says.
"It's time to hang out. That could be taking a shower together, giving one person a massage this week then the other the next, watching TV in your underwear or naked, or touching.
"It's up to you … [whatever] makes it a little easier to step across the chasm if it's been a long time.
"You're not failing if you don't have sex."
Ms Mourikis says quality time together, with no interruptions like phones and children, creates a "context for desire to grow".
If putting sex on the calendar makes you feel uneasy, Ms Mourikis suggests listening to that.
"It's OK to say, 'I'm not sure about this'.
"Lots of people are taught to ignore their bodies and that their body's signals are not trustworthy because of lots of normative forces that say you must have sex to be a good partner."
Ms Mourikis says when you give yourself room to not want sex, or change your mind, you might actually experience more desire.
"They need to prioritise things that feel pleasurable, that they are curious about, and let responsive desire flow from there."
Talking to your partner about what you do and don't like about scheduling intimacy might lead to learning what does work for you both, Ms Mourikis says.
"Have a conversation and check in around it. Asking things like 'What's your perspective around scheduling sex? When could it feel useful for us?'
"Maybe when you do feel pressure, ask 'What could we do differently?"
She says some people might say we tried it, and it didn't work. Or, these adjustments would make it better, for example.
Ms Koens says the advice around scheduling sex needs to come with nuance.
"I wouldn't suggest it for people who can't communicate or where there is resentment.
"For them I would suggest a meeting where they can share what they like about each other, what they like about themselves, what they would like to make an apology for, and making a request."
She says that approach can help people clear out what has been operating beneath the surface.
This is general information only. For personal advice, you should seek professional support.
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