Dear Thelma: I love my wife, but my past is hurting us
Do you need a listening ear? Thelma is here to help. Email lifestyle@thestar.com.my. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views. Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim's family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/email sam@befrienders.org.my/befriender centres in malaysia).
I've been married to my wife for almost three months now. Before we tied the knot, we were in a relationship for three years – we actually met on Tinder.
We share many things in common, which helped our love grow. However, we also frequently argue and have serious disagreements, often rooted in my past.
Before meeting my wife, I wasn't exactly proud of my behaviour. After losing my first love in a tragic accident, I used casual relationships and an active sex life as a way to cope with the emotional pain.
Unfortunately, my wife discovered this part of my past by going through my phone.
Given that her previous partner cheated on her, she developed insecurities and a fear that I might do the same.
Wanting to earn her trust, I allowed her to go through my phone freely.
Initially, whenever she stumbled upon old messages, our arguments were minor.
Eventually, I even encouraged her to delete anything that upset her, as I had so much old data stored that doing it myself would take forever. I saw it as a form of teamwork, as if she were helping me erase my old life and move forward with her.
But over time, her frustration grew. Each time she came across something from my past, her anger intensified.
Her insecurities came back stronger, and I, in turn, struggled to accept that she still doubted me.
I've never cheated on her, and we've talked about this many times. Yet, every argument seems to circle back to the same issue – my past – and it tears me apart.
We've even discussed the possibility of divorce twice, but I've resisted because I deeply believe in our marriage. I still love her very much. She means the world to me, and I want nothing more than to grow old and spend the rest of my life with her.
However, every time she brings up my past, I find myself reacting with anger and frustration. What begins as a simple argument quickly escalates into a major fight.
Thelma, I'm reaching out because I'm trying everything I can to save this marriage. I don't want to walk away from it. I don't want to let it die.
What else can I do to rebuild her trust and truly move forward together?
SV
Thank you for your detailed explanation of events. I'm going to reframe them, so you have a clear perspective of the issue.
You had an active sex life, met your partner, and settled down. However, your wife goes through your phone, acts as if you're dishonest, and when you remind her that you are an open book, she insists you can't be trusted and creates a fight.
This is her problem, not yours.
If your wife's ex cheated, she has reason to distrust her ex. It has nothing to do with you.
We all carry our past with us, but as adults we accept responsibility for the fears that come from previous experiences and we deal with it.
Expecting future partners to take responsibility for the sins of past partners is unacceptable.
The proper way forward for your wife is to go to counselling.
Let her talk out her feelings, process her past and manage her behaviour in those sessions.
Do not go with her! This is not a couple's issue; it's her issue.
As for you, you allowed someone to define you as a bad character but there is no apparent foundation for it. You lost someone dear to you, and acted out by having lots of affairs. It's a common reaction.
It may have been more useful to talk it through with a grief counsellor but the awful thing about shock is that we can't think straight. We often react blindly, and it's only later that we wish we'd taken a different path.
Perhaps you feel stigma because your comfort was sex instead of chocolate, exercise, work or some other preoccupation.
But people who experience trauma are not themselves. Forgive yourself. If you cannot do that alone, talk to a counsellor specialising in trauma.
Second, work on your self-esteem and set firm boundaries based on respect. You deserve common courtesy.
The only time we allow others to snoop on our phones is when we have committed adultery.
Even then, the period when we allow check-ins is short and part of an overall path of healing and recommitment.
You have done nothing wrong! Therefore, nobody has the right to go through your phone.
Your anger is a healthy sign because your body senses the injustice. You want to walk away because you are being attacked – another healthy sign.
Not only that, but deleting messages and harassing you about your past are more huge red flags.
I am concerned that you married a person who treats you so badly and who has little or no thought for your feelings.
Therefore, I urge you to be careful.
If you talk to your wife and she apologises, stops the behaviour immediately and seeks counselling for long-term change, then hopefully you can reset your relationship.
But if she gaslights you, or tries to scare you with rage, then you may be in an abusive relationship. I say this because she treats you badly, accuses you of things you have not done, and uses rage to shut you down. These are all red flags.
So be careful. And if you see more abusive behaviour, I urge you to speak to a counsellor skilled in abuse counselling.
Again, go alone – toxic and abusive partners hijack couples counselling by twisting the narrative, deflecting responsibility, and manipulating both you and the therapist.
I suspect you will be worried once you've read my response, for you are only just married, but I urge you to take steps now.
You deserve to be treated with courtesy, kindness and respect.
Good luck and know I'm thinking of you.
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Dear Thelma: I love my wife, but my past is hurting us
Do you need a listening ear? Thelma is here to help. Email lifestyle@ The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views. Those contemplating suicide can reach out to the Mental Health Psychosocial Support Service (03-2935 9935/014-322 3392); Talian Kasih (15999/019-261 5999 on WhatsApp); Jakim's family, social and community care centre (011-1959 8214 on WhatsApp); or Befrienders Kuala Lumpur (03-7627 2929/email sam@ centres in malaysia). I've been married to my wife for almost three months now. Before we tied the knot, we were in a relationship for three years – we actually met on Tinder. We share many things in common, which helped our love grow. However, we also frequently argue and have serious disagreements, often rooted in my past. Before meeting my wife, I wasn't exactly proud of my behaviour. After losing my first love in a tragic accident, I used casual relationships and an active sex life as a way to cope with the emotional pain. Unfortunately, my wife discovered this part of my past by going through my phone. Given that her previous partner cheated on her, she developed insecurities and a fear that I might do the same. Wanting to earn her trust, I allowed her to go through my phone freely. Initially, whenever she stumbled upon old messages, our arguments were minor. Eventually, I even encouraged her to delete anything that upset her, as I had so much old data stored that doing it myself would take forever. I saw it as a form of teamwork, as if she were helping me erase my old life and move forward with her. But over time, her frustration grew. Each time she came across something from my past, her anger intensified. Her insecurities came back stronger, and I, in turn, struggled to accept that she still doubted me. I've never cheated on her, and we've talked about this many times. Yet, every argument seems to circle back to the same issue – my past – and it tears me apart. We've even discussed the possibility of divorce twice, but I've resisted because I deeply believe in our marriage. I still love her very much. She means the world to me, and I want nothing more than to grow old and spend the rest of my life with her. However, every time she brings up my past, I find myself reacting with anger and frustration. What begins as a simple argument quickly escalates into a major fight. Thelma, I'm reaching out because I'm trying everything I can to save this marriage. I don't want to walk away from it. I don't want to let it die. What else can I do to rebuild her trust and truly move forward together? SV Thank you for your detailed explanation of events. I'm going to reframe them, so you have a clear perspective of the issue. You had an active sex life, met your partner, and settled down. However, your wife goes through your phone, acts as if you're dishonest, and when you remind her that you are an open book, she insists you can't be trusted and creates a fight. This is her problem, not yours. If your wife's ex cheated, she has reason to distrust her ex. It has nothing to do with you. We all carry our past with us, but as adults we accept responsibility for the fears that come from previous experiences and we deal with it. Expecting future partners to take responsibility for the sins of past partners is unacceptable. The proper way forward for your wife is to go to counselling. Let her talk out her feelings, process her past and manage her behaviour in those sessions. Do not go with her! This is not a couple's issue; it's her issue. As for you, you allowed someone to define you as a bad character but there is no apparent foundation for it. You lost someone dear to you, and acted out by having lots of affairs. It's a common reaction. It may have been more useful to talk it through with a grief counsellor but the awful thing about shock is that we can't think straight. We often react blindly, and it's only later that we wish we'd taken a different path. Perhaps you feel stigma because your comfort was sex instead of chocolate, exercise, work or some other preoccupation. But people who experience trauma are not themselves. Forgive yourself. If you cannot do that alone, talk to a counsellor specialising in trauma. Second, work on your self-esteem and set firm boundaries based on respect. You deserve common courtesy. The only time we allow others to snoop on our phones is when we have committed adultery. Even then, the period when we allow check-ins is short and part of an overall path of healing and recommitment. You have done nothing wrong! Therefore, nobody has the right to go through your phone. Your anger is a healthy sign because your body senses the injustice. You want to walk away because you are being attacked – another healthy sign. Not only that, but deleting messages and harassing you about your past are more huge red flags. I am concerned that you married a person who treats you so badly and who has little or no thought for your feelings. Therefore, I urge you to be careful. If you talk to your wife and she apologises, stops the behaviour immediately and seeks counselling for long-term change, then hopefully you can reset your relationship. But if she gaslights you, or tries to scare you with rage, then you may be in an abusive relationship. I say this because she treats you badly, accuses you of things you have not done, and uses rage to shut you down. These are all red flags. So be careful. And if you see more abusive behaviour, I urge you to speak to a counsellor skilled in abuse counselling. Again, go alone – toxic and abusive partners hijack couples counselling by twisting the narrative, deflecting responsibility, and manipulating both you and the therapist. I suspect you will be worried once you've read my response, for you are only just married, but I urge you to take steps now. You deserve to be treated with courtesy, kindness and respect. Good luck and know I'm thinking of you.
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