It's not too early to start getting ready for secondary school. Here's how

Times

a day ago

The first three months of a baby's life are sometimes called the fourth trimester. Sure, the baby is out, but those months remain a liminal period.
Year 7 is very similar. There is a real culture shock when an 11-year-old moves from a cosy primary school where they are the biggest child to a large community where they are the smallest.
At this time of year, many schools host information sessions to help children to prepare for the change.
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Everyone talks about 'transitioning' to year 7 like it's something that takes days or weeks. In my experience it takes all year. My eldest child is 14 and in year 9 but my son is 11 and nearly through year 7, so we are only just reaching something like settled.
The move to big school doesn't just hit children hard. It's a challenging moment for parents too: seeing your confident, outgoing child looking small and terrified, swimming about in a too-big blazer, is a gut punch. Waving a nervous child off into a gigantic fortress you last saw on a tour 18 months ago, where you know they will get lost at least once, is horrible.
To be forewarned is to be forearmed. If September brings your first experience of year 7 as a parent, here are some tips from me, as well as some actual experts, on navigating it all.
You are still in charge — sorry
'The biggest change between primary and secondary school is the contact between the school and parents — there are no quick chats with the teacher at the school gate,' says James Whiting, deputy head of Altrincham Grammar School for Boys in Manchester. 'Parents need to inform themselves how to communicate with the school early on.' A mistake some parents make is to assume that now their child is in year 7 they need to go it alone. Children vary wildly in their natural capacity for executive function, but most will benefit from help and reminders for at least the first half of term. You're not smothering them if you do this. 'To-do lists on the wall and occasional spot-checks are good sense,' Whiting adds, 'but you don't want to do everything for them long-term, as they will develop an over-reliance on you. That's unsustainable if nothing else.'
Yes, they do need to be independent
Matilda Gosling is a social scientist and the author of Teenagers: The Evidence Base. She says that independence is a cornerstone of development in secondary school children. 'They have to develop resilience and I would encourage parents to resist safetyism — the feeling that there are an overwhelming number of risks we need to protect our children from,' she says. Travelling independently is key, says Gosling. 'As early as is practical they ought to be travelling to and from school on their own. A good idea is to practise their journey a few times when there's no time pressure, so on the weekend or in the summer holidays before they start.'
John Jerrim is a professor of education and social statistics at University College London and agrees that getting to grips with independence is best done sooner rather than later. 'Teaching children some independence can start in year 5,' he says. 'So much is going on in year 7 that you want to start on organisational skills earlier and gradually build them up so year 7 isn't such a sheer drop.'
It's helpful to create a dedicated space at home for crucial items like the travel pass, PE kit or schoolbooks, so your child knows where to find things without having to ask. So is getting into the habit of prepping the night before. When I first found my daughter packing her schoolbag for the next day I clenched a fist in victory and said, 'My work is done!' (It isn't.)
Dreaded smartphones
There can be few parents left who think giving a child a smartphone is risk-free. Anecdotally, ownership among current year 7s seems to be down, but it remains that about nine in ten 11-year-olds have their own device. Joe Ryrie from the campaign group Smartphone Free Childhood says their research shows that most parents don't want to give their 11-year-old a phone but worry that they will be left out if they don't.
'We hear mixed reports from parents whose children start secondary school without a smartphone,' he says. 'But the most common fear, that they will be left out socially, looms larger than it ought to. Online group chats aren't where friendships happen, the chat is often meaningless junk, more about mass communication and showing off than actual connection.'
Parents who miss the location-tracking services of a smartphone tend to combine an old-fashioned phone like a Nokia with an AirTag. It's a bit clunky but broadly works. 'We know that tech companies are working on 'smart-ish' phone models that have the functionality of a smartphone but without more of the damaging elements,' Ryrie says. 'As a campaign group, we are also working hard to change the culture, to make it more normal and acceptable to start year 7 without a smartphone.'
Friendships
Modern schools know that making friends is important and mix students up for some classes, so no one is stuck with the same 25 people for seven years. The more of the year group your child meets, the higher the chance they'll find a kindred spirit. 'Deep friendships come out of shared experiences,' says Whiting, of Altrincham grammar. 'Joining lunchtime clubs, after-school clubs and sports teams is key, and here's where parents can help by encouraging their child to sign up to things and take advantage of opportunities.' If your child doesn't find friends for a while, don't worry. Friendships are crucial in the teenage years, when children naturally separate from their parents, but less so in year 7.
'In year 7, the family unit is still so important ,' says Dr Gavin Morgan, a clinical psychologist. 'Parents mustn't worry unnecessarily if their child is a slow starter, socially. You can't force friendships anyway so it's out of your hands.' The key thing is to keep calm and not interrogate a child in a panic as to why they haven't got any mates. 'You really don't want to make your child think that there is something wrong with them,' Morgan adds.
Happiness
Is there any truer phrase than 'You are only as happy as your least happy child'? Parenting a gloomy child is hard work: what you most want is for them to be happy, so that you can be happy too. But this isn't realistic. Secondary school is a big change: it can be boring, relentless or worse, and that's before puberty gets its claws in.
'A really striking message I found from my research is secondary school students need to experience healthy stress in order to build up resilience,' says Gosling. 'They need to meet a stressful experience and then come out of it the other side knowing that they can handle difficult things.'
Gosling also advises not talking too much about mental health. Teens are on the constant lookout for their new, adult identity, and while talking about feelings is important, choosing 'depressed' or 'anxious' as a persona is unhelpful. 'Treat feelings lightly,' she says. 'Deliver the message that bad times always pass and if they feel down, it won't last for ever.'
Be aware that your instinct to jolly them out of a 'mood', or offer endless solutions, is more for you than for them. It's fine to suggest going for a walk or some other distraction, but telling them to 'cheer up' will make them feel worse.
Warning bells ought to sound if your child persistently refuses to go to school, but general grumpiness is normal.
'Parents will sometimes get a bleak picture of a school life, especially just after school when children are tired and hungry,' says Morgan. 'Plus, they've been at school all day, having to mind what they say and do, holding all sorts of things in.' When they see a parent it can trigger an opening of floodgates, so an awful lot of grumbling can be taken with a pinch of salt.
My number one strategy for post-school ranting, passed on to me by my sister who has four boys, is to give them something to eat and then leave them alone. By bedtime, they're usually fine.