I used to be an escort, and a former client wants to be friends. What should I do?
One client I was particularly fond of was a man a few years older than me. He is on the autism spectrum, which makes him somewhat socially awkward, but he is intelligent, creative and empathetic – and passably handsome. I always felt he would make a wonderful partner for a woman who could see past his quirks.
Last week, I ran into him at the library. The first thing he said was he'd understand if I didn't want to talk – but I was actually glad to see him. We spent about 15 minutes chatting pleasantly, and when we parted he asked if I'd consider meeting up as friends. I took his number and said I'd think about it.
I'm pretty sure he's hoping for more than just friendship, but if my sense of him is accurate, he'd accept a 'no' gracefully and respect my privacy. The problem is I'm unsure what to do. Had we met under different circumstances, I might well have considered dating him, and I would definitely like him as a friend. I'm aware of the stigma directed at men who see escorts, but he doesn't fit any negative stereotype.
Even so, the fact he's tied to a chapter of my life I've moved on from leaves me conflicted. I don't know if reconnecting would add something positive to my life – or blur boundaries I've worked hard to establish and maintain.
I think the fact you're writing to me shows you do want to consider it, but are aware there may be some pitfalls. In some ways you're front-loading the issues you would have – because you already know something of each other's past – more than if you met someone the more conventional way.
I consulted clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal, who has worked with people who visit sex workers. He wonders if this might be less a case of 'wanting a relationship, but rather exploring your boundaries in relation to your previous work and the life you have now'.
You said in another message that you had hitherto kept your past work private. Perhaps you now feel ready to merge your past and your present/future, and by allowing this man from your past to possibly be a friend, you can see if this will work for you.
Dr Blumenthal explains that he's known 'situations where men have formed relationships with sex workers. Some have succeeded and some have ended in disaster. It's impossible to know how things will turn out, there's no predetermined outcome. And yes, most people assume the relationship between sex worker and client is just about sex, but I've heard many a time it's less about sex and often primarily an emotional relationship that has sex as part of it. It's not always like that, of course, but it can be.'
I think you have to be honest (as with all potential relationships) about what you want from this man, and if that's possible. You've been very good at boundaries before, this will need a different set of boundaries and they may need renegotiating, both at the beginning and at various other times as things change – if either a friendship or a relationship blossoms.
'The important thing,' says Dr Blumenthal, 'is to be fully cognisant of where the original relationship came from. A lot of sex work is about an illusion – that the client is the only one, that maybe they're loved by the sex worker. Here, exposing the relationship to the outside world may be problematic if you deny where it's stemmed from.'
All relationships, whether platonic or romantic, start with a bit of illusion and projection, and what makes them succeed is communication, with the other person but also with oneself. That communication may allow the relationship to grow, or founder. You seem grounded and have established boundaries. If you feel safe with this man then it may not be a bad idea to meet him again in a public place and see if you can develop a new way of being together.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa's podcast is available here.
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