5 signs you're with a narcissist, according to a therapist & the hints you're 'emotionally unsafe' in your saved images

The Sun

2 days ago

THE term narcissist is everywhere right now.
From TikTok videos highlighting tell-tale signs, to TV shows casually diagnosing characters whose behaviour is more often than not, emotionally avoidant, egotistical or simply human.
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As a relationship therapist, I'm seeing more and more clients unsure as to whether they're in a toxic relationship or simply navigating relationship complexities.
The rise in pop psychology has helped people to recognise when something feels unhealthy, but it's also blurred the line between genuine abuse and the ordinary (and repairable) ruptures that occur in relationships.
True narcissistic abuse is a serious psychological experience.
To casually label someone as a narcissist not only risks invalidating those who've endured real harm, but also stops us from the possibility of repair in relationships that are simply struggling - not unsafe.
So how can we tell if we are dating a narcissist instead of someone who is emotionally immature, dealing with trauma, or lacking in communication skills?
The answer lies in the person's pattern, impact, and intention.
Narcissistic behaviour isn't a one-off conflict or an emotionally bad day - it's a chronic, self-serving pattern, where dynamics of control, dismissal, or manipulation are repeated and unresponsive to feedback.
In contrast, someone who has an insecure attachment style or is emotionally unavailable may still cause harm - but will usually show some capacity for reflection, repair, and change.
Whereas, narcissistic personalities tend to be one-directional. Your emotional labour is expected; theirs is absent.
Their concern lies in the protection of their self-image and need for control, not the health of the relationship.
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If you're unsure who you're dealing with, I've broken down five signs that you may be dating a narcissist and five common red flags that are often wrongly labelled as narcissism.
5 Signs you're dating a narcissist
1. You feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster
If your relationship began with intense idealisation where you were lavished with compliments, constant communication, future-faking, or grand romantic gestures which then gradually shifted into a space where you're criticised, emotionally neglected, or abruptly abandoned, then you may be experiencing what is known as the narcissistic abuse cycle.
Unfortunately for many victims, the cycle doesn't just end with abandonment.
People often find themselves pulled back in just as quickly as the narcissist left - with false charm and promises - only for the cycle to repeat.
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This pattern repeats not because the narcissist loves the victim, but because they need control, admiration, and emotional regulation from outside themselves.
When that supply runs low after discarding their prey, they reset the cycle and start again.
This pattern of love bombing, followed by devaluation and abandonment, is deeply destabilising.
Over time, the unpredictability itself becomes addictive.
You're left in a constant state of emotional limbo, holding onto the hope that the person you first met - the one who seemed so attuned, affectionate, and ideal will somehow return.
In response, you work harder, tolerate more, and slowly abandon parts of yourself all in an effort to revive a version of the relationship that may never have truly existed.
2. You constantly question your own sanity
Gaslighting is a hallmark of narcissistic behaviour.
It's not simple miscommunication - it's a form of psychological manipulation designed to make you doubt your own reality and keep the narcissist in control.
They can distort your reality in a number of ways, including denying conversations, rewriting events, or minimising their harm.
Gaslighting not only erodes your trust in your own mind and intuition, it can emotionally and mentally break you.
If you've ever found yourself questioning your memory or sanity to the point of recording conversations, screenshotting messages, or documenting what was said 'just in case', that's not normal conflict. Instead it's a sign that the relationship is emotionally unsafe.
When you're constantly second-guessing your experiences - wondering if you're too sensitive, too dramatic, or somehow to blame - you are no longer simply managing tension or conflict, you are dating someone who is strategically dangerous.
3. You tread on eggshells
In narcissistic relationships, you don't relate with them, you react to them.
What begins as connection slowly turns into emotional survival.
Their unpredictable moods, silence and volatility leaves you unable to show up authentically; instead you work hard to second-guess and manage their behaviour. In other words, you are constantly treading on eggshells.
This doesn't happen occasionally - it becomes your emotional default because you've become used to being dismissed, criticised, or shut down.
You've learned to adapt by either shrinking yourself, staying quiet, or over-functioning just to keep the peace or hold the relationship together.
You might over-apologise, over-explain and justify your feelings as though you're somehow in the wrong or too much.
Narcissists don't put you in this reactive position by accident.
They do it because it meets a psychological need, where they keep you off-balance, unsure of yourself, and therefore easier to control. It is simply a power play.
4. They have zero empathy
To truly empathise with someone, you have to be able to tune into their emotions without making it about you.
But for narcissists, other people's pain often feels threatening.
So instead of holding or sitting with your feelings, they might mock or dismiss them or seem bored or irritated when listening to you, because deep down, they don't know how to deal with emotional vulnerability, including their own.
They may, at best, understand what you're feeling, but they don't connect to it emotionally.
When you're constantly second-guessing your experiences - wondering if you're too sensitive, too dramatic, or somehow to blame - you are no longer simply managing tension or conflict, you are dating someone who is strategically dangerous
Stina SandersRelationship therapist
And if your feelings challenge their sense of control or self-worth, they'll often reject them completely. In some instances, narcissists may weaponise your emotional pain and use it to shame, undermine, or reassert control over you.
Many people with narcissistic traits grew up in environments where they didn't get the love, attention, or emotional support they needed.
To cope, they built a version of themselves that looks confident or in control on the outside, but is deeply insecure on the inside.
For narcissists, empathy isn't just difficult - it's perceived as unsafe. And in a relationship, that leaves little room for true emotional connection.
5. They don't love you for you, but for what you provide
In narcissistic relationships, love is transactional.
You are not valued for you but for what you provide to the narcissist.
Whether it's admiration, attention, status, regulation, or compliance - your worth is measured by what you give, not who you are.
The moment you assert a boundary, express a need, or fail to uphold their idealised version of you, the emotional withdrawal is swift and often punishing.
Despite the outward confidence or superiority, many narcissists are deeply insecure.
They lack a stable internal sense of worth, so they rely on others - including partners, friends or even strangers to mirror back the image they want to believe about themselves.
If you feel the relationship isn't mutual and one-sided or that you're in a constant state of performance, trying to avoid disapproval or abandonment, then the relationship is likely only exists to serve the narcissist's self-regulation.
While your role may at times be valued, you as a whole person, with your needs, limits, and complexities are not.
5 Common 'Red Flags' That Aren't Necessarily Narcissism
Now that we've explored five signs of narcissistic behaviour, it's equally important to highlight some of the red flags that are often mislabelled as narcissism, but aren't.
Some red flag behaviours - while frustrating, confusing, or even hurtful - are more likely to stem from emotional immaturity, insecure attachment, unhealed trauma, or poor communication skills rather than a narcissistic personality disorder.
Mislabeling these red flags as narcissism doesn't just pathologise the other person - it can also prevent meaningful repair, growth, or understanding within the relationship. Here are 5 common red flags that aren't necessarily narcissism:
1. They Need Space or Time Alone
Some people withdraw when they feel overwhelmed - not to punish you, but to self-regulate.
This can feel cold or rejecting, but it's often an unconscious coping strategy rooted in avoidant attachment or past relational trauma.
Needing time to decompress or space to think isn't necessarily a sign of emotional unavailability or selfishness - it's often the only way they know how to feel safe within themselves.
While this distance can easily be misunderstood as not caring - or even as narcissistic abuse - the key difference between creating space and manipulation lies in intention and communication.
For example, healthy self-regulation is communicated, respectful, and followed by reconnection.
Whereas narcissistic behaviour like Stonewalling, is about control or avoidance. It involves shutting down, withdrawing without explanation, and leaving the other person in emotional limbo.
2. They Have Difficulty Expressing Emotions
Not everyone has the emotional tools, language or safety to express their inner world.
For some, vulnerability feels unfamiliar or even threatening, not because they don't care, but because they've never learned how to share themselves in that way.
It's important to remember that a lack of communication skills or emotional unavailability is not the same as narcissistic detachment.
Some people withdraw when they feel overwhelmed - not to punish you, but to self-regulate
Stina SandersRelationship therapist
Narcissistic detachment involves a lack of empathy, intentional disconnection, and often a disregard for your emotional experience.
A difficulty in expressing emotions, by contrast, is often rooted in fear, shame, or unprocessed trauma.
3. Inconsistent Communication
Life is busy, and humans aren't perfect. Sometimes people don't reply to your text right away, forget things, or drop the ball not out of malice, but because they're distracted, overwhelmed, or managing their own internal world.
This kind of inconsistency can feel frustrating, especially if you're anxiously attached, but it doesn't automatically signal narcissism.
Neglect and control in narcissistic relationships are often deliberate, strategic, and emotionally destabilising.
Forgetfulness or delayed responses, on the other hand, are usually unintentional.
So before you label their behaviour as narcissistic, consider the context - is this a pattern of harm or simply human limitation?
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4. They're self-focused and only talk about themselves
Talking a lot about one's own life doesn't necessarily mean someone lacks empathy.
Some people over-share or dominate conversations due to anxiety, ADHD, poor social skills, or a lack of self-awareness, not narcissistic self-importance.
The key difference? A narcissist dismisses or discredits your experiences.
They have no interest in what you have to say unless it serves them.
Whereas a socially unaware person simply may not realise they're doing it.
5. Sorry seems to be the hardest word
Not everyone knows how to apologise well. Becoming defensive, going quiet during conflict, or fumbling through repair attempts doesn't necessarily mean someone is being manipulative or emotionally abusive.
In many cases, it reflects a lack of maturity, shame sensitivity, or underdeveloped relational skills - not narcissism.
While it can feel dismissive or disconnecting, these behaviours often stem from discomfort with vulnerability, not a lack of care.
The inability to apologise doesn't always signal that someone is a narcissist, but the refusal to engage in any form of genuine accountability might.
Narcissistic individuals rarely take responsibility for their part in conflict.
Not only are they incredibly defensive, they will always blame you and refuse to acknowledge your pain.
They may also twist your concerns into attacks, accuse you of overreacting, or turn the conversation back onto your flaws.
It is always your fault and never theirs.
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If you're still unsure…
In a culture that's increasingly quick to diagnose, it's important to hold space for nuance.
While narcissistic abuse is very real and devastating, it's also true that not every red flag is abuse or that the person is a narcissist.
Some red flag behaviours stem from unhealed trauma, poor communication skills, or insecure attachment styles.
While others do reflect personality structures that are more rigid and damaging. The difference lies in pattern, impact, and intention.
If you find yourself constantly questioning your reality, losing your sense of self, or feeling emotionally unsafe in your relationship, you don't need a diagnosis to justify leaving.
Your emotional well-being is reason enough.
At the same time, understanding the difference between narcissistic abuse and relational immaturity allows us to make clearer, more compassionate decisions - whether that means leaving, healing, or seeking repair.
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