Workplace Wellbeing: Arrogance, ego, and entitlement at work — how to cope

Irish Examiner

02-05-2025

Janine Delport once had a boss who enjoyed making her cry. Before moving to Ireland, the Galway-based learning and development professional lived and worked in South Africa.
'I had a great job, which gave me opportunities to help people,' she says. 'But I dreaded my boss. Whenever he got upset, which was often, he picked a fight with me and continued fighting until I ended up in tears. I think he liked the sense of power it gave him.'
The 45-year-old now wonders if he was a narcissist. Because it wasn't just the power trips: 'He constantly bragged about his achievements, too. Anything anyone else had done, he had always done better. And he only ever wanted to hear he was right and got angry if you contradicted him. I used to walk on eggshells so as not to trigger a reaction, but, as the person who reported directly to him, whenever something went wrong, I bore the brunt of it.'
Patricia Mannix McNamara, professor of education leadership at the University of Limerick, has spent over 25 years researching narcissism in the workplace. She says: 'We all want to be seen and admired by others in some way. It's when it tips over into behaviour that hurts people that it becomes a problem.'
Dean McDonnell, a psychology lecturer at the South East Technological University and member of the Psychological Society of Ireland, says levels of narcissism can vary as we go through life.
'People can become self-absorbed when they are stressed, anxious, or depressed, for example. Young children's brains aren't fully developed, so they don't have the capacity to think of others. The personality development we undergo in adolescence can contribute to egocentrism.'
Dr Dean McDonnell: "It's common for narcissistic bosses to micromanage and criticise. They often encourage gossip so that people tell tales on each other to stay in the boss's good books. They often lack empathy when it comes to things like granting leave. And they can be bullies.'
These are passing phases for the majority, but for those with NPD, narcissistic personality disorder, it's a permanent state of affairs.
'These are grown adults who have an inflated perception of their self-worth,' says McDonnell. 'They disregard the feelings and needs of others in favour of their own. They often lie and manipulate to get what they want. And they do this consistently.'
He explains that clinicians use an acronym to help diagnose NPD: SPECIAL ME. 'It stands for Self-importance; Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success; Entitled; Can only be around people who are important or special; Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain; Arrogant; Lacking in empathy; Must be admired; and Envious of others, or believing others are envious of them,' he says.
Trademark behaviours are associated with these traits. 'Your boss claiming credit for your work because they want the glory for themselves is one,' says McDonnell. 'Becoming defensive when receiving feedback or being told they have made a mistake is another.
'It's common for narcissistic bosses to micromanage and criticise. They often encourage gossip so that people tell tales on each other to stay in the boss's good books. They often lack empathy when it comes to things like granting leave. And they can be bullies.'
Self-care is vital
Although NPD only affects an estimated 1-5% of the population, Mannix McNamara believes it may be disproportionately represented at higher levels in the corporate world: 'People who push others to get what they want are seen as efficient go-getters. They get results, which usually leads to promotion. That's why it's not uncommon to have a narcissistic boss.'
The way jobs are advertised may even encourage narcissists to apply. A study published in the Journal of Management Science last year found that people who scored highly for narcissism were drawn to postings containing words like 'ambitious' and 'persuasive'.
However, those who scored highly for empathy were more attracted to words like 'grounded' and 'collaborative'. Mannix McNamara sees this tendency to hire and promote narcissists as cause for concern. They may get the job done, but often leave a trail of destruction in their wake.
'Having a boss who criticises, manipulates, hurts, or humiliates us affects our job satisfaction and morale, and can spill over into our home life,' she says. 'So much of our identity and self-worth is intertwined with our work. A narcissistic boss can undermine all of that, affecting us on a very deep level.'
So what can we do about it? Is there any way to counter narcissistic behaviour? Mannix McNamara suggests keeping records of all incidents: 'There should be policies in place to ensure everyone feels psychologically safe at work. Keep clear notes of what happened and the impact it had. Then, once you have evidence, arrange a meeting with HR or someone more senior in your organisation to discuss what can be done.'
McDonnell recommends setting boundaries. This means starting and finishing work on time, taking all your breaks, and adhering to the tasks in your job description.
'If you're clear about your role, that should restrict your boss's ability to manipulate you,' he says.
Narcissists often feed off emotional responses, so Mannix McNamara advises maintaining a professional, cool demeanour at all times. She says the 'grey rock' method can help with this: 'Rocks are present but never respond or react. If you can be like a rock, unresponsive to the drama unfolding around you, the narcissist should soon lose interest.'
She reminds us that it's essential to look after ourselves. 'So many people start eating badly and stop exercising when they come under pressure. That's counterproductive. They should be doing their best to stay well so they have the energy they need to cope at work.'
Looking after ourselves includes seeking support from others.
'Talking helps,' says Mannix McNamara. 'But maybe not with others in the workplace, as what you say could get back to the boss and be used against you. A friend or family member would be better, or a coach, psychologist, or counsellor who would understand the dynamics of narcissism and give you strategies to deal with it.'
Know when to walk away
There are circumstances where the best strategy is to walk away.
'A workplace is supposed to be a collaborative and supportive place,' says McDonnell. 'Things can get stressful at times but that shouldn't constantly be the case. If you're losing sleep or if your job is causing anxiety or depression or negatively impacting relationships and family life, it might be time to leave.'
Another commonly used approach is biting your tongue and telling your boss what they want to hear. While it may succeed in keeping you out of the crosshairs, Mannix McNamara is clear that it comes with a price.
'You'll disempower yourself and allow the narcissist to remain in the workplace, but it may be what you need to do to survive,' she says.
Delport felt like she had no choice but to appease her boss: 'South
Africa has high unemployment and if you have a job, you keep it. In an ideal world, I'd have been able to go to someone senior in my organisation and something would have been done about my boss. But life doesn't
always work that way, particularly if you can't provide outright evidence about what happened behind closed doors. The safest bet for me was not to hurt the narcissist's ego.'
However, she made sure she got support outside of the workplace. 'My husband was a great help,' she says. 'I'd encourage anyone with a narcissistic boss to reach out to someone. They will tell you that it's not your fault and that you shouldn't take your boss's behaviour
personally. Narcissists power
themselves up by making you feel weaker. Even if you only understand this one thing, it can help.'
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