9 Phrases That Signal Someone Has a 'Victim Mindset,' According to Psychologists

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9 Phrases That Signal Someone Has a 'Victim Mindset,' According to Psychologists originally appeared on Parade.
We all have those moments where we look up to the sky and think, 'Why me?' Life is tough and there are times when it feels like everyone and everything is conspiring against us and our happiness. There are times when things are all out of your control and bad things keep happening, which can make you feel like the universe is attacking you, kicking you while you're down. But there are other times when you might feel like this, and really, it's just a product of your victim mindset.For example, maybe you had a terrible day at work and then got home to find out your dog tore up your couch. Or maybe you get to a big event, find out it was canceled last-minute, and then your car gets towed. But you were the one who let your untrained dog have free rein of your apartment. And you chose to park in a handicap spot when you had no business being there. These are instances where, if you feel like shaking your fist at the sky, maybe you should look within. Why do you feel like everyone's to blame for your misfortunes, and not your own actions? Granted, we all have moments where we might have been the reason for our poor fortune, yet we want to blame the world. That doesn't necessarily mean you have a victim mentality. But, if you do this all of the time to the point where it's grating on your relationships, this could be you. We spoke to Dr. Kathy McMahon, Psy.D—a clinical psychologist, founder of Couples Therapy Inc. and a Certified Gottman Method Therapist—and Dr. Kim Sage, PsyD, MA—a licensed clinical psychologist in California with a large social media social media presence—to find out nine phrases that signal someone has a victim mindset to better understand what this mentality means. Plus, they share what to do if you live your life with a victim mentality—as well as what to do if someone you know has it.Related:
What Is a 'Victim Mindset' or 'Victim Mentality'?
'A victim mentality is the belief that life happens to you and that you have little or no power to change it,' Dr. McMahon tells Parade. 'It often forms after real hurt, but becomes a limiting story. In relationships, it shows up as constant blame, emotional withdrawal and a refusal to take accountability. Over time, it erodes intimacy and trust.'Dr. Sage shares that those who have a victim mindset often have an 'external locus of control, rather than an internal locus of control.' Locus of control is a psychological theory or term that refers to how much someone believes they have control over their own lives, behavior, fate, etc. Someone with an internal locus of control 'sees themselves more as architects of their own lives,' she says, while those with a victim mindset are the opposite. 'People who move through the world with an external locus of control believe that everything that happens to them is either the result of fate, luck, the mercy or impact of other people,' she explains. 'In other words, all that happens to them is outside of their control.'Dr. Sage says that the 'central core' of their identity is 'organized around experiencing the world as a victim.' They often feel like the "world is always out to get them" or that they don't need to take "any responsibility for what happens to them in life." They believe the latter because they believe that life is happening to them, she shares. She adds that it's important to note this isn't the case for everything; in situations of harm, abuse or other instances, victims absolutely exist. A victim mindset is speaking specifically to moments when we might have impacted things, yet always blame it on an outside force.'Victimhood is real,' Dr. McMahon clarifies. 'But victim mentality is a story people keep telling themselves long after the danger has passed.'Related:
How does someone develop a victim mentality?
Both psychologists share that a victim mindset can develop in childhood, with Dr. McMahon sharing that it 'usually… starts… through chronic criticism, neglect or emotional manipulation.'She shares that this mentality can grow in some people because they watched ''helplessness' used as a survival strategy' as a child. As an example, she shares that maybe a kid sees an older sibling cry to get out of something, showing the child that 'The tears end the conflict. No one stays mad at the helpless one.''The younger sibling watches and learns: showing vulnerability is protection,' she says. 'Years later, they fall apart in the face of feedback, not to deceive, but because 'exposing their neck' causes people to soften or back off.'Dr. Sage shares that for others, a victim mentality can be 'a symptom, result or in response to experiencing trauma, in which being a real victim and having a victim mindset are not the same thing.' She does note that not all people with a victim mindset experienced trauma, and not all those who have been traumatized have a victim mindset. So, for those this does apply to, a victim mindset might be a 'remnant of the still sounded and unhealed parts' of themselves.If someone experienced a trauma, doesn't heal and then continues to experience situations that feel out of their control, then they're more likely to get stuck in a victim mindset, Dr. Sage shares. They might develop a 'learned helplessness' in response to all this, which is when someone comes to believe there's 'nothing they can do to change or control, or escape a negative situation. So they don't even try, or stop trying even when change or escape might be possible.''It's not always conscious,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'But there's almost always a payoff—sympathy, lowered expectations or a way to avoid blame.'Related:
Are there personality disorders that make you more likely to have one?
Anyone can have a victim mindset as a standalone trait, Dr. Sage shares. With that said, Dr. McMahon does say that a victim mentality 'can be more common in people with personality disorders like borderline (BPD) or narcissistic traits.' Dr. Sage also shares that people with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) are more likely to have this mindset, along with people who have PTSD or C-PTSD. But again, anyone can have it.'It also shows up in folks with anxiety, depression, or no diagnosis at all,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'You don't need a disorder to feel powerless. You just have to stop believing you have agency.Related:
9 'Victim Mindset' Phrases, According to Psychologists
1. "Everyone's always against me."
For all of these phrases, Dr. McMahon tells Parade to, 'Listen closely—not just to the words, but to what's riding underneath.' Because these phrases mean more than the person saying them might be willing to admit. There can be manipulation tactics at place or a subconscious plea for help.In this phrase, someone with a victim mindset thinks that if everyone is against them, it's not their fault and everyone else is in the wrong.She shares that if you hear this from someone, your line of thinking should be logical; 'If everyone's the problem… it might not be everyone,' she says.'This phrase draws a line in the sand,' she continues. 'It makes you the sole innocent and the world the aggressor.'
2. "No one ever listens to me."
This phrase is often said after someone does try to listen to the person with a victim mentality. 'It dismisses the efforts of others and preemptively shuts down dialogue,' Dr. McMahon says. 'Sympathy-seeking in a cloak of defeat.'Dr. Sage brings up another variation of this phrase: 'No one ever understands what I go through or what I have to deal with!" This ultimately shares the same sentiment. And as Dr. McMahon says, this is a play for sympathy when they know that they might be in the wrong or that the issue isn't that they aren't being heard, but rather that they aren't getting their way.
3. "Why do bad things only happen to me?"
While victims do exist (of course), someone with a victim mentality never takes accountability and everything bad is always because of an outside force or entity. So it makes sense that they'd share the sentiment that bad things only happen to them, Dr. Sage says.Another phrase that falls under this category is, "I just have bad luck. Life hates me," she adds.
4. "I guess I'm just the bad guy then."
A sentence like this one is 'a guilt trip dressed up as humility,' Dr. McMahon says. If someone says this, they're pretending to be the bigger person, that they're 'falling on the knife' in this argument to gain sympathy and guilt-trip you.'This one corners the other person,' she explains. And as the person on the other end of the conversation, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't in their mind. 'If they challenge you, they're cruel. If they comfort you, they're complicit.'
5. "I don't see how any of this is my fault in any way!"
Dr. Sage shares this phrase, which is yet another great example of someone with a victim mindset shirking blame because they're never in the wrong. Always just a victim.Related:
6. "It doesn't matter what I do, nothing changes."
A phrase like this is basically just 'learned helplessness with a side of despair,' Dr. McMahon says. Again, it's feigning this attitude of 'well, there's no point in even trying because it's going to go horribly.' When really it's just a way to shirk responsibility. Another similar sentiment Dr. Sage points out is, 'Why should I even bother trying to change anything when it's not going to work out?" They want that reassurance that this isn't true.'A phrase that feels like grief, but often functions as refusal,' Dr. McMahon explains. 'It trades agency for resignation.'
7. "There's nothing I can do to change my outcomes in life."
Since part of a victim mindset is this idea that life happens to you, and that you have no way to change its course, this phrase is all too familiar for people with this mentality. Because, in a world where you are not the purveyor of your own fate or misfortunes, how can you change anything about it?
8. "You always twist things to make me look bad."
Another phrase that 'turns accountability into attack,' according to Dr. McMahon, it puts all the blame on someone else and makes the person with the victim mentality look like they're unfairly treated at every turn. If you broach any topic that you have a grievance with or that you know will result in this phrase, then you're just going to stop bringing things up. Which ultimately works for them.'This one makes it dangerous to bring anything up,' she says. 'It's the emotional equivalent of a trap door.'
9. "I try so hard, and still get blamed."
'Effort isn't the same as impact—but this one pretends it is,' Dr. McMahon shares. This phrase makes it seem like this person has really done everything in their power to make things right, but they just never get recognition for it. The real translation of this sentence?'The underlying belief: 'If I mean well, I shouldn't have to change,'' she explains. 'This phrase uses effort as a shield.'
What To Do if You Have a Victim Mindset
The first step to solving many issues, including this one, is identifying them and going from there.'Notice the story you're telling yourself—and ask who wrote it,' Dr. McMahon shares. 'Start small. Interrupt the spiral. Name the payoff. Then begin to reclaim your authorship.' She shares that this can be as simple as telling yourself, 'Even if I didn't cause this, I still get to choose my next move.'Dr. Sage says that it's also important to 'recognize, admit, honor and ask yourself if you may be over-identifying with the wounded parts of yourself.' She then says to ask yourself how this impacts your life. "What does it do for you?" she says. "What does it not do for you? How might it be holding you back from being a more empowered person?'Of course, this can all be more effective if you see a therapist.'Working with a narrative or emotionally focused therapist can help you shift that story,' Dr. McMahon adds. Dr. Sage also suggests professional help and therapy, along with 'psychoeducation through books, videos, podcasts and group therapy' as good ways to get yourself help. Cultivating tools of self-awareness as well as self-compassion and accountability, are key, she explains.Related:
What Can You Do if Someone You Know Has a Victim Mindset?
In the moment, Dr. McMahon shares not to 'take the bait' when you hear phrases like the ones above.''Don't defend, fix or disappear,' she explains. 'Set a boundary with compassion.'How does this look? Dr. McMahon says you can try saying, 'I believe your pain is real. But I can't play the villain in your story.'To have a victim, there has to be a 'villain.' And she says not to play into that.Dr. Sage also says to 'notice how being around this person and their victim mindset affects you.' If you're constantly stressed, anxious, helpless or angry after dealing with them, these are 'red flags' that you need to start setting boundaries with them (how much time you spend with them, what you talk to them about, etc.). 'A victim mindset can't thrive without someone else cast as the enemy,' Dr. McMahon says about detaching yourself from them. 'Refuse the role.'You should also keep in mind that it's 'not your responsibility to get them to change or to manage their unhappy victim mindset,' Dr. Sage says. If you have a 'safe enough relationship' with this person, then you can urge them to get professional help and support, she explains. Dr. McMahon calls this the "turning point," when one partner says, "I love you—but not like this. If we're going to write a better story, we both have to put down the old script."'That's where the real healing begins,' she says. 'Not in blame, not in bargaining, but in the quiet courage to ask: Who would I be without this story? And what kind of relationship could we have if we both stopped protecting ourselves with pain?'Up Next:Sources:
Dr. Kathy McMahon, Psy.D is a clinical psychologist and founder of Couples Therapy Inc. She's also a sex therapist and Certified Gottman Method Therapist.
Dr. Kim Sage, PsyD, MA, is a licensed clinical psychologist in California and has a large social media following. She has a popular TikTok (590k followers), Instagram (77.5k followers) and YouTube (317k subscribers). And she offers four courses (one is free) that revolve around identifying your childhood trauma and learning how to heal from it.
9 Phrases That Signal Someone Has a 'Victim Mindset,' According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jul 19, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 19, 2025, where it first appeared.
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