My summer of performing at Edinburgh — with my baby

Times

12 hours ago

Perhaps naively, I said yes to a lot of things when I was pregnant with my second child — how much more could my life really change? Then one big opportunity came along, a chance to perform at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I could only say yes if I could bring my baby and toddler along, and when our theatre company, Tilted, gave the thumbs up, our strange Scottish summer began. I told my mum what I was about to do, 25 performances on consecutive days, and she asked if I was crazy.
My great friend Poppy and I host the podcast Brown Girls Do It Too, where we talk about sex quite frankly — it's a taboo in most cultures, but still carries a lot of shame in South Asian circles. Now we've turned our conversations into a sketch comedy show; chat combined with songs and silliness. I never thought I'd spend my last month of maternity leave bringing this performance to the Fringe — it's been exhilarating and exhausting.
As a former university student at Edinburgh, I was familiar with the Fringe, but back then it was a place to get wasted and see good and bad comedy until the wee hours. This time, with my children, I have a curfew, but also a whole new way of looking at this festival.
Every other night, when the show finishes at 5.15pm, I rush to get a train to Dunbar, where my partner and sons, aged three and eleven months, are staying, to do bedtime.
One person called me a superhero, but this superhero has had to make a lot of sacrifices and runs on empty regularly. I'm lucky to have a supportive partner, but it's hard to let go and become the secondary carer after almost a year of being the person both my kids call out for when they cry. I also feel like I'm fighting against my natural instinct that says go be with your child, even though I'm spending more time with them than I would be if I was in my day job.
I've not seen as many shows as I would like and have had to decline party invitations that clash with bedtime responsibilities, but honestly the lure of free drinks just isn't what it once was. Putting my kids to bed is something I treasure and doing the show this summer has made me realise how fleeting their young years really are. If I didn't get to do bedtime regularly, I could never feel able to jump up on stage and talk about fanny farts with much vigour.
My eldest understands that Mama does a show, but why is still a mystery. He gets excited when he sees my face on a 6ft-tall poster in the Meadows and at bedtime, he does a little dance and says, 'Mama, you can come to my show.'
He's not yet able to fully understand what the show is about and it's hard to articulate why you feel like your voice is an important once. When I started to doing the podcast I was casually seeing this sexy man from Tinder, but now he's the father of my two children. The podcast tracks the evolution of me saying goodbye to singledom, settling down, moving to Kent and having two kids.
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I do think about them getting older, listening to the podcast and thinking, 'Jesus, Mum, that was graphic — was it necessary?' I'll say yes because at the time there were no brown women talking about sex so we had to. Some of my family members and friends have suggested the way we speak takes it too far, but we have no blueprint for brown women in entertainment.
My parents, who came from east Africa and their parents from India, didn't know what the Fringe even was, so growing up I never went to the theatre. I think I saw my first stand-up comedy set at the age of 25. The Fringe and Edinburgh is still a very white space — there are more than 4,000 shows this year, but fewer than 10 per cent are fronted by people of colour. And right now I only know of one other mum doing the same thing as me at the fringe with kids of a similar age.
The tiredness levels are similar to having a newborn — you get used to the new state, surviving on little sleep. Still, I have to bring a lot of energy to the show, the same energy lots of women bring to motherhood when entertaining their children. Some afternoons if I'm standing in the wings waiting to go on, feeling tired, I remind myself of how lucky I am.
I try to look at photos of my boys before each performance to ground me and remind myself that if the show goes tits up it's not a big deal because I've got these guys. My favourite moment so far is sitting in the audience at the Ugly Duckling circus, with both my boys in my lap and my partner next to me. There was a man in a balloon outfit bobbing up and down and we were all hysterical. I shed a little tear thinking about how lucky they were to be here. It's not at all how I grew up.
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When I decided I wanted kids, it was because I was so excited about all life had to offer. Of course my life had to change when I became a mother, but I bought them here because my life was fun already.
I really want to show them that you can be a woman with young children and perform at the Fringe and hope that when they grow up they will encourage the women that they love to do whatever they choose. From starting a podcast to being on stage at the Fringe and now bringing our show to Soho Theatre Walthamstow, to our home town, this wild ride has some exciting next steps. Motherhood is brutal and performing at the Fringe can be too, but with my family nearby, everything feels possible.
Brown Girls Do It Too: Mama Told Me Not to Come is at Underbelly, Edinburgh, to Aug 24 and Soho Theatre Walthamstow, Sep 9-13, sohotheatre.com
Have you seen any good shows at Edinburgh Fringe this summer? Let us know in the comments below