Is a sleep divorce the solution? How to get past the long, sleepless nights

Irish Examiner

18 hours ago

YOU'VE got through yet another demanding day and can't wait to get into bed for a restorative night's sleep. After kissing your partner goodnight, you snuggle down under the duvet, close your eyes, and begin to drift into that longed-for slumber.
If you're lucky, the next thing you know is that you wake up feeling rested and ready to take on another day. But many aren't so fortunate.
Some of us sleep with duvet hogs. The person we love during the day transforms into someone who pulls the duvet off us at night so we wake up shivering with cold and have to wrench it back onto our side of the bed. This doesn't only happen once. It happens on repeat. All night long.
Others, such as LTW's husband in a recent episode of the Sex and the City sequel And Just Like That, are kept awake by partners who talk in their sleep.
Wendy Troxel, an American clinical psychologist and sleep scientist at the RAND Corporation and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep, says there are many reasons why couples disrupt each other's sleep.
Wendy Troxel, an American clinical psychologist and sleep scientist at the RAND Corporation and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep, says there are many reasons why couples disrupt each other's sleep.
'Snoring or sleep apnoea is the most common, but other reasons for interrupted sleep are restless movement, different temperature preferences, needing space due to insomnia or other health conditions, and childcare responsibilities, particularly for the parents of babies or young children,' she says.
Sophie Crinion, a consultant in respiratory and sleep medicine at St Vincent's University Hospital in Dublin, adds that some couples have mismatched body clocks, which can cause problems when one tries to adapt to the circadian system of the other.
Night owls who force themselves to go to bed early can find themselves lying awake for hours on end, while morning larks who make themselves stay up late can feel exhausted the following day, she says.
'It can also be that one partner needs less sleep than the other and wakes up earlier, which also wakes the other. Often it's the partner with the shorter sleep requirements who sets the pace and the other finds themselves sleep deprived as a result.'
Rather than lying in bed, sleepless and seething with resentment because their partner is keeping them awake, Troxel believes a growing number of couples are opting for a so-called sleep divorce, or choosing to sleep in separate beds.
'The most recent data from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine shows that more than one-third of Americans occasionally or consistently sleep in a separate room from their partner to accommodate their sleep needs,' she says. 'The trend is even more common for younger couples, with 43% of millennials and 33% of gen X reporting sleeping apart at least occasionally.'
Importance of sleep
Sophie Crinion, a consultant in respiratory and sleep medicine at St Vincent's University Hospital in Dublin. Picture: Conor McCabe Photography.
In a 2015 US national sleep survey, 62% of couples said they would like to sleep apart, which suggests that more couples would consider a sleep divorce if they had access to spare beds or bedrooms.
Crinion understands their motivations: 'Everyone knows what it's like to have the occasional poor night's sleep. It affects how we feel and function the following day. Because sleep is one of the foundation stones of our health and our body requires it for so many different processes, chronic sleep deprivation can have a more serious effect. Studies show that it increases our risk of hypertension, coronary heart disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity, and cancer.'
It can also impact us cognitively and emotionally, making it difficult to concentrate and leaving us prone to mood swings. A 2018 study published in the Journal of Neurology, Psychology, and Brain Research found that it even increases our risk of anxiety and depression.
'Everything from our work and social lives to physical health and mental wellbeing can suffer if we don't get enough sleep,' says Crinion.
Sharing a bed with a partner who disrupts our sleep can also impact our relationship. A 2013 study from the University of California showed that when one partner disturbed the other's sleep, it increased the risk of conflict in their relationship the following day. By contrast, a 2016 study carried out in Germany found that sleep issues and relationship problems tend to coincide.
Tim van Wanrooij, a Dublin-based counselling psychologist who specialises in working with couples, can see the pros and cons of sharing a bed with someone you love.
'Having skin-to-skin contact as you fall asleep creates a feeling of calmness and comfort, and releases relaxing hormones that can improve your sleep,' he says. 'It also creates more space for emotional and sexual intimacy.'
However, these benefits can be undermined if sharing a bed means sleep quality suffers.
'You could end up resenting your partner for this, which could lead to a buildup of contempt, which is very unhelpful for any relationship,' says Van Wanrooij. 'Contempt and resentment can distort communication, lead to passive-aggressive behaviour, and create a rift between couples.'
There is research to prove that bed-sharing can be positive for some yet negative for others. A 2022 study by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine indicated that people who slept with a partner had lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress than those who slept alone.
On the flip side, a 2023 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that poor sleep was associated with increased anger and decreased perceptions of relationship quality.
Modern stigma
Troxel believes that disturbed sleep could explain why having separate bedrooms was once a sign of status and wealth: 'Historically, those who could afford it usually chose to sleep apart.'
It was only during the sexual revolution of the 1960s that cultural ideals shifted and sharing a bed became equated with closeness and intimacy. This eventually led to the stigma that exists today, in which admitting to sleeping separately can seem akin to confessing that your relationship is sexless and unhappy.
Troxel points out that celebrities such as Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Victoria and David Beckham have all publicly lauded the joys of having a bed all to oneself.
'Celebrity couples admitting to sleeping apart could make the practice more normative and less stigmatised,' she says.
If you believe a sleep divorce might be a good solution for your sleep problems, Troxel urges you to broach the subject carefully. You don't want your partner interpreting your wish to sleep separately as a sign that you have lost interest in them.
'Couples choosing to sleep separately don't necessarily indicate relationship trouble,' she says. 'It's how they communicate and approach the decision together that matters. It's important to approach the conversation with empathy and reassurance so that both partners' needs and concerns are heard and validated.'
She recommends emphasising that the goal is to improve both the partner's sleep and wellbeing, allowing you to be more supportive of each other.
'Use 'I' statements such as 'I've noticed I'm not sleeping well and I think it's affecting my mood and our time together',' she says.
'Invite your partner to share their feelings too. Frame it as a joint decision to support your relationship, not a rejection.'
Tim van Wanrooij, a Dublin-based counselling psychologist who specialises in working with couples, can see the pros and cons of sharing a bed with someone you love.
Van Wanrooij says sensitivity is essential: 'Reassure the other person that you wanting to sleep in another bed isn't because the spark has gone from the relationship but about needing a good night's sleep.'
He also advises being willing to experiment: 'Try sleeping apart for a few nights to see how it affects your sleep, your wellbeing, and your relationship. Then continue to communicate about the effect it's having and adjust the arrangement accordingly.
'For example, you might decide to only sleep separately during the week.'
If you opt for a total sleep divorce, he stresses that it's essential to make sure you're still creating space for intimacy: 'Don't fall into the trap of building entirely separate morning and evening routines as that can lead to drifting apart. Small things like bringing a coffee to the other person in bed in the morning, getting in beside them and sharing five or 10 minutes means intimacy continues to be maintained.'
Given the rising cost of housing, it's likely that couples who would like to file for a sleep divorce can't, as they are unable to afford a spare bedroom. What are the options for them?
Troxel says they don't have to endure sleepless nights: 'If noise is the problem, they can try earplugs, white noise machines, sleep headphones, or staggered bedtimes.
'If tossing and turning or sheet stealing is the culprit, separate duvets or two mattresses under one mattress topper can minimise disturbances. And if snoring is to blame, encourage your partner to seek medical evaluation as snoring can be a sign of sleep apnoea, which is a serious medical condition.'
Couples should aim to find the solution that works best for them, without feeling a sense of shame or stigma, she adds.
'Ultimately, good sleep is vital for a healthy relationship,' she says.
'Research consistently shows that sleeping apart is often a practical solution to improving sleep quality and not necessarily a sign of relationship problems.
'In fact, prioritising good sleep can lead to better moods, less conflict, and a healthier relationship overall.'
Snore solutions
If your partner snores like a foghorn, rest assured you are not alone. Dr Sophie Crinion, a consultant in respiratory and sleep medicine at St Vincent's University Hospital in Dublin, says that 20% to 45% of people snore.
'Most snoring occurs because the mouth is open and there are products available that encourage people to keep their mouths closed while asleep so that they breathe through their nose,' she says. 'Nasal strips or mouth guards that fit inside the mouth and alter the position of the jaw can help some people.'
The noise that is made when snoring happens because soft tissues at the back of the airways vibrate. 'Exercises that improve the tone of these muscles have been shown to improve snoring for some,' says Crinion. 'These include singing, playing brass instruments or the digeridoo, or certain tongue exercises.'
If a person is overweight, losing weight can be an effective way of stopping, or improving, snoring. 'By removing some of the excess fatty tissue around the neck, they increase the size of the airway, which helps with airflow,' says Crinion.
Avoiding alcohol is another tactic. It has a sedative effect, which relaxes the jaw and throat muscles, making those soft tissues at the back of the airway more likely to vibrate.
Some people are more likely to snore when they sleep on their backs. This means that adjusting their sleeping position can reduce their snoring. 'There are positional snoring aids available such as pillows that make sure you can't turn onto your back during sleep,' says Crinion.
Stopping snoring may be a process of trial and error. 'What works for one person may not work for another, which means it's difficult to be prescriptive,' she says.
'The best thing might be to pay attention to the factors that might be contributing to your snoring. What food and drink are you consuming during the day for example? What position are you sleeping in? You might be able to spot patterns that way and adjust it accordingly.'
Finally, Crinion warns that snoring can indicate an underlying health problem.
'If your snoring has an unusual pattern, if it's quite irregular, if you stop breathing and that's followed by a loud snore or if your snoring is waking you, it could suggest other issues to do with airflow and breathing,' she says. 'Check it out with your doctor.'