6 green flags to look for in a partner, according to relationship experts
Daters are often aware of red flags, behaviors to avoid or undesirable traits in a potential partner. But what green flags, or positive traits, should singles be on the lookout for?
Frankie Bashan, a clinical psychologist, board-certified sex therapist and relationship expert with over 20 years of experience, said shifting your focus from red flags to green flags can lead to more successful dating.
"You want to be looking for all this from the outset," she said. "Because we're wired for survival, what do we notice? We notice the orange and red flags right away, and it often scares us, so we foreclose opportunities."
Instead, she encourages people to suspend immediate judgment and be curious.
"I'm noticing this, but I'm not going to make a definitive answer just yet. Right now, I'm just taking in information," she advised thinking. "Our brains don't do it automatically. It has to be intentional."
Here are some green flags to look for.
Reliability
While showing up late or canceling a date last-minute may be a red flag, doing the opposite is a green flag.
"Do they commit to a date? Do they show up on time?" Bashan said of indications someone is reliable.
Trustworthiness
As they share information about themselves, Bashan said you want to see if they're consistent in their stories.
"Figure out, is this somebody that is trustworthy?" she said.
Values relationships
Having and valuing relationships outside of a romantic partner — like friends and family — is another green flag, according to Bashan.
"Is this person somebody who can have sustainable, long term relationships?" she said. "Not everybody has family that they're close to for one reason or another, but do they have chosen family? Do they have friendships that they value and that are important to them, that they invest in?"
Reciprocity
Someone who's not afraid to let you know that they're interested is another green flag.
"When you're sharing about yourself, your interests, your desires for relationships, what you're looking for — they're listening," Bashan said. "They're not just waiting for you to finish so that they can give a response and focusing on how they want to respond to everything. No, they're actually attentive, focused, curious about you."
Boundaries
Being able to set (and respect!) boundaries is another green flag, according to Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert at the website DatingAdvice and psychology professor with a doctorate in clinical psychology.
"There's been some talk on social media about people who trauma dump on dates," she said, explaining this isn't the way to go. "They think they're being open, authentic and vulnerable, but what they're really doing is disclosing too much, too soon."
Or, if your date asks you something you're uncomfortable answering on a first encounter, take note of how they respond to you setting a boundary of not sharing that part of yourself just yet.
Balance of dependance
A relationship is about growing both together and independently, and Walsh said it's a green flag when someone understands and demonstrates and appropriate balance.
Picture a Venn diagram with the circles representing the individuals and the overlapped area representing the relationship.
"Relationships are unhealthy when the two circles completely overlap. Psychologists would call that the enmeshed. They're so enmeshed that nobody can remember whose problem is whose, and they start to control each other, and what ends up happening is the individual starts to die," she said. "Now picture the two circles right beside each other, but not overlapping. And now you have individual growth, but you have no relationship security."
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Daters are often aware of red flags, behaviors to avoid or undesirable traits in a potential partner. But what green flags, or positive traits, should singles be on the lookout for? Frankie Bashan, a clinical psychologist, board-certified sex therapist and relationship expert with over 20 years of experience, said shifting your focus from red flags to green flags can lead to more successful dating. "You want to be looking for all this from the outset," she said. "Because we're wired for survival, what do we notice? We notice the orange and red flags right away, and it often scares us, so we foreclose opportunities." Instead, she encourages people to suspend immediate judgment and be curious. "I'm noticing this, but I'm not going to make a definitive answer just yet. Right now, I'm just taking in information," she advised thinking. "Our brains don't do it automatically. It has to be intentional." Here are some green flags to look for. Reliability While showing up late or canceling a date last-minute may be a red flag, doing the opposite is a green flag. "Do they commit to a date? Do they show up on time?" Bashan said of indications someone is reliable. Trustworthiness As they share information about themselves, Bashan said you want to see if they're consistent in their stories. "Figure out, is this somebody that is trustworthy?" she said. Values relationships Having and valuing relationships outside of a romantic partner — like friends and family — is another green flag, according to Bashan. "Is this person somebody who can have sustainable, long term relationships?" she said. "Not everybody has family that they're close to for one reason or another, but do they have chosen family? Do they have friendships that they value and that are important to them, that they invest in?" Reciprocity Someone who's not afraid to let you know that they're interested is another green flag. "When you're sharing about yourself, your interests, your desires for relationships, what you're looking for — they're listening," Bashan said. "They're not just waiting for you to finish so that they can give a response and focusing on how they want to respond to everything. No, they're actually attentive, focused, curious about you." Boundaries Being able to set (and respect!) boundaries is another green flag, according to Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert at the website DatingAdvice and psychology professor with a doctorate in clinical psychology. "There's been some talk on social media about people who trauma dump on dates," she said, explaining this isn't the way to go. "They think they're being open, authentic and vulnerable, but what they're really doing is disclosing too much, too soon." Or, if your date asks you something you're uncomfortable answering on a first encounter, take note of how they respond to you setting a boundary of not sharing that part of yourself just yet. Balance of dependance A relationship is about growing both together and independently, and Walsh said it's a green flag when someone understands and demonstrates and appropriate balance. Picture a Venn diagram with the circles representing the individuals and the overlapped area representing the relationship. "Relationships are unhealthy when the two circles completely overlap. Psychologists would call that the enmeshed. They're so enmeshed that nobody can remember whose problem is whose, and they start to control each other, and what ends up happening is the individual starts to die," she said. "Now picture the two circles right beside each other, but not overlapping. And now you have individual growth, but you have no relationship security."
