How to handle toxic in-laws, according to a clinical psychologist

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Dr Sheri Jacobson has a PhD in counselling and psychotherapy, and a degree in cognitive behavioural therapy. She worked for many years as a senior therapist with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, as well as for MIND, MENCAP, a women's centre and the NHS. She is the founder of Harley Therapy.
It's rare to find a family without at least some conflict between first-degree relatives. Imagine, then, the whole extra layer that can come with in-laws. We haven't known these people since childhood, and aren't as acclimatised to their ways. Getting used to this can take time.
The gaining of an in-law represents a significant shift in the dynamics of your family. But while people often dwell on the difficulties that arrive with their in-laws, it's important first to note the positives in your by-marriage relationships.
Your in-laws can give you social, practical and financial support. They're often sounding boards, or can help you with the day-to-day challenges of getting older. In-laws often increase the diversity of the types of personalities in your circle. Plus, this wider family often shares important experiences: celebrating joyful occasions, such as weddings and graduations, and offering support in times of bereavement.
That said, there can often be tensions and difficulties involving hierarchy and power structures. People are often used to interacting in specific ways with certain dynamics at play, and it can take time to recalibrate to a new family set-up. Our loyalties and allegiances often realign – for example, if a close sibling gets married, that can lead to feelings of envy towards their new spouse if they aren't confiding in us as much.
Families have different styles. On top of this, every individual brings into the mix their own underlying patterns of behaviour shaped by their unique past experiences. These can sometimes manifest in less desirable behaviours, such attention-seeking, wilfulness, manipulation or sulking.
Whatever the reason for conflict, the same principles and values apply. Always try to start with compassion and empathy: aiming to understand, as opposed to being judgemental. This is the best way to de-escalate a situation, so it becomes less threatening to everyone.
Here are four common in-law scenarios, and how to defuse them.
'I know him better than you'; 'he doesn't like it when you do things that way' – a mother-in-law's possessiveness is often driven by an underlying anxiety. Perhaps she senses her adult child is being 'taken away', and she still wants to be included.
A mother might behave in a controlling way or use 'guilt-tripping' in order to remain relevant and central to her child's life.
In all in-law relationships, there's the possibility of divided loyalties – that the wife is 'against' the mother, or vice versa. There's no right way to deal with this. Some people prefer to speak directly to their in-laws, and others prefer to enlist support from outside.
The most important thing is for the couple to safeguard their own relationship – to discuss and air their views about this problem in non-belligerent ways. An opening comment such as: 'When your mother criticises my cooking, I feel undermined' might be helpful, and then take it from there. The key here is to explain how you are feeling, and open a discussion.
If, as is often the case, your mother-in-law's behaviour is driven by anxiety, the best way to counter this is to make her feel included (while also making sure she doesn't take over). For example, if it's your anniversary dinner, and she tries to invite herself, say something like: 'We'd love you to be there, but tonight is just for the two of us. Let's do something separate next week.'
Start by putting yourself in your daughter-in-law's place, to try and understand the root of why she's behaving like this. Perhaps she's trying to assert her independence, or establish a position within a new family hierarchy. Or maybe a memory of her earlier experiences is being played out: it could be that she was neglected when she was younger, or quite the opposite – she's used to being the centre of attention.
Either way, it's difficult to cope with a daughter-in-law when she's demanding, 'drive me here', or 'I need this, now', especially if this squeezes out the preferences of other people. Your son's self-involved wife might also disengage, appear aloof or prioritise her own family over yours, which can lead to a lot of upset and sullen family dinners.
This is a hard situation to manage and it's important to be sensitive. Family ruptures can happen easily. Though it has to be said that, in some contexts, the cycle of rupture and repair – heated arguments followed by making up – is not uncommon.
Communication is nearly always a good idea, but be careful not to accuse your daughter-in-law of anything directly. Instead of: 'You always cancel when I plan a dinner, but you never cancel on your own family – that's not fair,' consider saying: 'I feel sad when you don't come to our dinners, as family time is special to us. Is there something about our gatherings that makes you feel unwelcome?'
If you'd rather avoid such disclosures, or feel that this type of communication won't lead anywhere, my advice would be to work on acceptance of the situation. Realise that it might never really change.
Some people maintain some distance to protect themselves from emotional strain. The alternative is to lower your expectations – appreciating that your daughter-in-law's behaviour might be linked to her past experiences rather than being personal. Sometimes, it can help to vent to a third party, such as a close friend or a therapist, who can hear you out and support you to better manage the situation.
This can cover a wide spectrum from, 'let me drive' to a partner who takes total economic control, or restricts his wife from having a social life of her own.
In a milder scenario, this may manifest with your son-in-law by arguing with your child's opinions, or by being dismissive of them. Various things can drive this sort of behaviour, including a perceived threat to the man's authority, or uncertainty of his place in the family hierarchy.
In certain cultures, the 'husband in charge' scenario is more accepted, and this can be harder to question or challenge.
Whatever the cause, it can be important to keep an eye on a bossy son-in law, as in its most serious form, damaging control can escalate. 'Let's not see your family today' can swiftly become: 'I'm better with money than you are, let me look after the account.'
As a parent, it's important to look out for signs of overly domineering and manipulative behaviour. If you find that your daughter seems unrecognisable from her usual self, or she seems nervous, silent or on edge, you may want to intervene. This is a difficult situation, as you may see a problem and your child may not, and attempting to point it out could push her further away.
Bring up the problem gently: don't accuse or point fingers. Say something like: 'I know you are devoted to your husband, but I'm concerned in seeing some of the ways he is with you. I care about you greatly, and I'm here for you regardless. Whenever you are ready, I would like to help.'
If your son-in-law becomes menacing or abusive – whether violently or otherwise – seek support from the relevant professional services.
Whether the inappropriate behaviour is aimed at you personally – or in a more general sense – there are ways of dealing with it. It's not uncommon for older relatives to have 'blind spots', owing to the generation in which they grew up – they just don't see the world in the same way as you do. If your partner's father is being racist or lascivious to the people around you, a comment such as: 'Remember, we don't use those sorts of comments today' might help, delivered in an approachable tone.
If you are feeling personally targeted, then it's important to set boundaries. Say to your father-in-law: 'I know you mean well, but it's not OK to comment on my low-cut dress.' Or, 'I don't like it when you come up and hug me – I hope you understand.' It's also important to let your partner know you feel a bit nervous around his dad.
All of this can be hard to do. But you aren't only looking after yourself: you are also prioritising safety for younger family members, and guarding them from inappropriate sexual or pejorative comments. Reshaped families can add much to our lives, and all the more so when we consider the feelings of every single member.
As told to Miranda Levy
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