I was 'terrified' I'd hurt my baby: bestselling novelist Sarah Vaughan shares secret battle with mental health condition that affects 1 in 6 new mothers
Maternal OCD is a condition affecting up to 16% of new mothers, causing unwanted intrusive thoughts about harming their baby alongside compulsive behaviours intended to shield them from harm.
Vaughan's novel Little Disasters explores maternal OCD from the perspective of a woman whose insecurities about parenting spiral after she is accused by those closest to her of injuring her child.
The novel, published five years ago, has been recently adapted into a blockbuster television series starring Diane Kruger, now streaming on Paramount+.
You can listen to this episode of The Life of Bryony by clicking the player below or here
'I didn't realise I was writing about my own maternal OCD until I finished my first draft', Vaughan told columnist Bryony Gordon.
'I had experienced this sort of gaslighting of yourself, and it was terrifying.
'You know on one level that you're not really throwing your baby down the stairs. That was my thing, I thought I'd drop my baby – which is very common.
'But you can always see that vision in your mind's eye. That makes it sound like psychosis, it's not that – but it's like the fear of it is so intense you constantly anticipate another reality.'
Despite the 'terrifying' thoughts, experts say mothers with maternal OCD pose no risk to their babies - the condition actually stems from an overwhelming desire to protect them.
Before novel writing, Vaughan worked for The Guardian as a senior news reporter and health correspondent.
She said her background in journalism, covering high-profile child murder and abduction cases, sowed the seeds of her maternal OCD.
'I had a little niche of doing really dark cases', Vaughan explained.
'I covered Sarah Payne, the little girl who was snatched from a cornfield in West Sussex. I covered the Soham murders and a boy who was murdered by a paedophile in Norfolk.
'Whenever I would come to my husband with fears, he would say, well that's never going to happen.
'And I'd always say, well there was this case, this news story. Those cases are so rare, but you are led to believe they are more common than they are because you reported on them.'
Looking back, Vaughan said a 'pressure cooker of circumstances' caused her to develop OCD after the birth of her second child.
'I had about six different triggers', she said.
'I collapsed in the street 19 weeks into my second pregnancy. I was pushing my child in a buggy. I had something called symphysis pubis disorder, where basically a big baby causes your ligaments to stretch.
'I had been behaving like I was invincible… then I was bedridden for the rest of that pregnancy.
'At the same time, my husband had to move across the country for his job, and I joined him: pregnant, with a toddler, not being able to walk.
'I then took voluntary redundancy at The Guardian after a consultant said to me, if you think you can commute to London, you're mad.
'So, I was in chronic pain. I couldn't walk. I was isolated with no friends, and my husband was working long hours in this new job.
'There's a line from my book: there's nothing lonelier than being at home with a screaming baby and a mind that's unravelling.'
Listen to The Life of Bryony podcast
Ever feel like everyone else has it together while you're barely hanging on? Join Bryony Gordon for honest, unfiltered conversations about life's messier moments – from anxiety and heartbreak to addiction and loss.
Listen wherever you get your podcasts now.
Vaughan said that at her worst, she would struggle to let her children out of sight, because of worries they would be snatched.
The novelist also remembered struggling to walk up and down flights of stairs with her new baby, fearing she would drop them.
She believes the illness fed into her 'perfectionist' nature, which had served her well in journalism but proved destructive as a new mother.
'I never got my baby to take the bottle. I was obsessed with this idea: how do I know if it's sterile? I would spend hours and hours sterilising everything.
'It really kind of impacts people who are perfectionists… everything had to be immaculate.
'I was trying to validate myself for not having a job by becoming a domestic goddess, but not a forgiving one.'
A combination of CBT therapy and setting herself the goal of finishing her first novel eased Vaughan's anxieties.
She urged mothers experiencing similar 'catastrophising' thoughts about parenthood to seek help if they feel overwhelmed or immobilised.
Vaughan said: 'When I had my baby, I think it was something like 2% of mothers had postnatal OCD. Now it's as high as 16%.
'That's a lot of women experiencing this and there are organisations out there that can help you.'
To listen to the full interview with Sarah Vaughan, search for The Life of Bryony now, wherever you get your podcasts.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Independent
11 minutes ago
- The Independent
NHS official admits ‘what we did wasn't enough' for 14-year-old who died at mental health hospital
A senior doctor has admitted that the NHS did not do enough for a 14-year-old who died at a private hospita l it sent her to and kept her in despite knowing it was understaffed daily, an inquest has heard. The doctor, Dr Gillian Combe, has also warned that children's mental health units across the country are struggling to staff their wards every day and that the NHS does not have the money to build its own wards. Ruth Szymankiewicz died after self-harming while she was left alone at Huntercombe Hospital, also called Taplow Manor, near Maidenhead in Berkshire, despite requiring constant one-to-one observation, Buckinghamshire Coroner's Court was told last week. The inquest into her death last week revealed the hospital was 'severely short-staffed' on the day of her death and that staff had repeatedly warned leaders over the lack of workers. A note written before her death, read out at the inquest, revealed she had said hospital staff would fall asleep on shift, that there was no access to therapy and that the hospital 'should be shut down'. On Monday, Dr Combe, a clinical director for the Thames Valley provider collaborative, which is responsible for commissioning children's inpatient mental health care for the area, gave evidence. She told the jury there no other choice but to admit Ruth to Taplow Manor's psychiatric intensive care unit (PICU) on 4 October 2021, despite a warning from her parents that this was not appropriate for her. A month later, Dr Nishchint Warikoo Ruth psychiatrist at Taplow Manor, made a referral to the NHS asking for her to be moved to a different unit, as the PICU 'environment wasn't the best for [her]...but that there wasn't any other suitable place'. When asked about Ruth's admission to the hospital, Dr Combe said: 'We had concerns, I was in the [provider collaborative] we had the CQC, we were living and breathing trying to turn this hospital around but hospitals around the country were facing the same challenges…all the units were really struggling…it was a really stretched really difficult system.' She said the concerns over the quality of care prompted NHS officials to be 'breathing down their necks' and that she was visiting the hospital weekly. 'We were really trying and I'm really sorry, what we did it wasn't enough for Ruth but we were really trying so hard to come alongside as the NHS to help this hospital improve,' she said. 'We were in a situation where beds were closing across the country. We have seen mainly independent sector providers pull out across the country…there were really high level discussions we decided we would throw everything at Huntercombe Maidehead and we worked really hard.' Dr Combe led the closure of Taplow Manor in 2023 after Ruth's death. When asked if the provider collaborative was aware of the staffing issues at Taplow Manor, Dr Combes said: 'Yes…absolutely they were struggling on a daily basis…there are training issues we don't train enough nurses it difficult to recruit every day on my ward we're struggling to staff up to the next day and this is happening all across the country. It is really tough all the time.' She also said the NHS had concerns over the use of restrictive practices at the hospital, which can include restraint, and suggested there were more care assistants than qualified registered nurses. She also revealed that the NHS had quality concerns over other PICUs across the country, and all were struggling with staffing. Dr Combes admitted, 'The NHS does not have the capital to build the hospitals for these young people that we desperately need. This is embedded in my lessons learned following the closure of the Huntercombe, it is a massive problem.' If you are experiencing feelings of distress or are struggling to cope, you can speak to the Samaritans in confidence on 116 123 (UK and ROI), email jo@ or visit the Samaritans website to find details of your nearest branch. If you are based in the USA, and you or someone you know needs mental health assistance right now, call or text 988, or visit to access online chat from the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. This is a free, confidential crisis hotline that is available to everyone 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If you are in another country, you can go to to find a helpline near you.
The Sun
12 minutes ago
- The Sun
Why does my pee smell so foul? It's the worst smell ever!
A YEAR ago I had a health scare that landed me in hospital – and I spoke about it last week on Loose Doctors, a one-off Loose Women special on ITV. On a weekend trip with friends, after a swim in the sea, I noticed my heart rate was really fast. 4 It eased a little for a few hours before another attack in the evening, and I was taken to A&E. For the first time in my life, I thought I could die. My heart rate reached 300 beats per minute (compared to a normal of 60 to 100) due to something called atrial flutter, which can lead to a stroke or heart attack. I was just unlucky because my heart is healthy. But it gave me a new perspective on what matters and I'm even kinder to my body. We think of heart issues as a male problem, but it's a leading killer of women. It's important to be vigilant about your health. Make sure you take the free NHS health check offered every five years from the age of 40, which can spot risky conditions. Meanwhile, here's a selection of what readers asked me this week . . . WHY DOES MY PEE STINK? Life-saving NHS health checks to spot killer diseases will be carried out at work Q: I'M a 73-year-old man and my urine must be the worst smell ever. It's so foul. I have a dodgy kidney that works at only half the rate it's meant to and I've suffered with numerous urine infections. They clear up with antibiotics but, after a few weeks, come back along with the foul smell. I've also been clear of prostate cancer for five years. A: It sounds like you've really been through a lot, health-wise. I'm glad to hear that your prostate cancer is now in remission, but I do understand how frustrating and worrying these ongoing urinary issues must be. A very foul-smelling urine can be an indicator of an underlying health issue. It can be caused by infection, kidney problems or issues with waste product build-up in the body. Your history of a dodgy kidney that functions at half its capacity is a key piece of information. Some types of kidney problems can increase the risk of UTIs, especially those that interrupt the normal flow of urine from the kidney to the bladder, such as kidney stones which can lead to stagnant urine in the system, where bacteria is more able to grow. Have you had a recent scan to assess your kidneys, and have you been assessed by either a urologist or nephrologist (kidney specialist)? This is important, as it is crucial to find out if there are any potential blockages. An enlarged prostate gland can also stagnate the flow of urine as it leaves the bladder, and some of the treatments for prostate cancer can also cause issues. It's important to keep treating each infection, and to stay well hydrated and not delay passing urine when you get the urge (as much as possible). But if these measures alone are not working, then there are also treatments to prevent further infections that you should explore with your specialist team. Prophylactic antibiotics are a daily low dose of medication that can reduce UTIs. Methenamine hippurate is an alternative to daily antibiotic prophylaxis for recurrent UTI in men, which has quite recently been added to the NICE guidelines. I hope this helps to guide your conversations with your healthcare team – and please do let me know how you get on. IS PREDIABETES CAUSE OF FOOT PAIN? Q: CAN you tell me what is causing the pain in the soles of my feet after walking for about two hours? Could it be because I was diagnosed with prediabetes? 4 A: This could be caused by several factors and, while prediabetes can be related, it's not the most likely cause in this scenario – when pain comes on after a significant amount of walking. Higher up the list would be footwear issues, plantar fasciitis or muscle fatigue. Worn-out or unsupportive shoes can lead to poor shock absorption and pressure on foot muscles and ligaments, so opt for shoes or trainers that are well-cushioned and supportive. Flat feet or high arches can exacerbate the issue. So if you have either of these you may benefit from being assessed by a podiatrist, for orthopaedic insoles for long walks. Plantar fasciitis typically causes sharp heel or arch pain that is made worse by prolonged standing or walking. It's caused by overuse or strain of the plantar fascia (a ligament on the sole of the foot). Walking for more than two hours, especially on hard surfaces, can cause muscular fatigue in the feet, particularly if you're not used to that level of activity. So if the walking is a new activity for you, you may need to scale back initially. But I hate advising people to do less activity, so try to increase the pace of the walking you do. Essentially, a shorter but faster walk, and then build distance gradually as the muscles in your feet get stronger. Do some stretching and strengthening exercises for your feet – there are good NHS videos on YouTube for this. It is possible to get nerve damage with prediabetes – this is called 'impaired glucose tolerance neuropathy', which is damage that can begin even before full-blown diabetes. But this would typically be described as tingling, burning, numbness or pins-and-needles. Also, it is often worse at night-time, rather than after activity. BOOK A MIDWIFE ONLINE PREGNANT women can now see a midwife 'at the touch of a button', it was announced today. They can book their first midwifery appointment via bypassing the GP. Traditionally, expectant mothers would see their GP to tell them they are pregnant before a referral to midwifery services. But only 62 per cent of the first 'vital' appointments happen within the first ten weeks of pregnancy, health officials say. NHS England said it is estimated the new service could lead to 180,000 fewer calls to GPs and up to 30,000 fewer GP appointments each year. Officials stressed that women can still go in to see a doctor if they would like, for example, to discuss management of a long-term health condition. Kate Brintworth, NHS chief midwife, said: 'Making this process simpler at the touch of a button is a vital step in empowering women to take control of their pregnancy journey right from the very start and improving access to timely, personalised care.' Health and Social Care Secretary Wes Streeting said: 'Early pregnancy should be about joy and excitement – not wrestling with NHS bureaucracy to book a midwife appointment. 'That's why we've overhauled the online referral system. "No more endless phone calls or form-filling. "Just a simple online service that lets you book those crucial first appointments with a few clicks.' SOUNDS LIKE CANCER… THE early signs of cancer could be detected from your voice, scientists say. Using AI, subtle changes in vocal acoustics helped pick up lesions in people diagnosed with voice box cancer. Researchers believe AI could be trained to hear these changes within a 'couple of years'. There are around 2,000 new cases of voice box (laryngeal) cancer in the UK each year. A hoarse voice for more than three weeks can be a key symptom, and should be investigated by a GP. Using AI for diagnosis could spell the end of uncomfortable tests, such as a biopsy or nasendoscopy, in which a thin tube with a camera is passed through the nose down the back of the throat. The US team, part of the Bridge2AI-Voice project, gathered voice recordings of 300 patients, some of whom had voice box cancer. They study, published in the journal Frontiers In Digital Health, found 'marked' differences between men with and without cancer or a voice box disorder, such as nodules or polyps, specifically with the harmonic-to-noise ratio. It's possible the same will be found for women, with a larger data set. Dr Philip Jenkins, of Oregon Health & Science University, co-authored the study. He said: 'Voice-based health tools are already being piloted. 'I estimate that with larger data sets and clinical validation, similar tools to detect vocal fold lesions might enter pilot testing in the next couple of years.' Q: HAD a total knee replacement nearly seven years ago and have been in constant pain since. At my last consultant appointment, it was suggested that I have steroid injections in my knee. 4 But as I had a complete knee replacement, what would they inject into? I feel like I'm just being messed around. A: I'm really sorry to hear you're still in pain. It's understandable to feel frustrated and even suspicious when treatments don't make sense. When you have a total knee replacement, the joint surfaces are replaced with metal and plastic components, so there's technically no longer any cartilage or traditional joint space like in a natural knee. There are still soft tissues which can be inflamed, but you are right to question the approach of steroid injections as they are not standard practice when a knee joint has been replaced with an implant. This is partly due to a higher rate of complications, such as infection. If you haven't had recent imaging (such as X-rays, a bone scan or MRI with metal artifact reduction), that should come first, looking for any evidence the pain is due to the implant failing or being loose, infected or malpositioned. Some of the other common causes of pain following a total knee replacement include scar tissue, soft-tissue inflammation, nerve entrapment or complex reg-ional pain syndrome. I'd advise you to ask some specific questions before having a steroid injection, such as, 'What is the specific diagnosis for my pain?' or, 'Is this pain mechanical, inflammatory, neuropathic or possibly related to implant failure?' and, 'What exactly are you injecting, and into what structure?'. Don't accept vague answers, such as talk of generalised inflammation. I'd advise asking to be referred back to the team who did your operation, or consider getting a second opinion from a revision knee specialist (an orthopaedic surgeon who focuses on failed joint replacements). There may well be long wait times, but this does not mean you shouldn't get referred.
Daily Mail
12 minutes ago
- Daily Mail
Experts warn of the cancer-causing chemicals that are a 'threat to humanity'
The human body contains more than 3,600 synthetic toxins, a new report has warned, with chemical exposure now posing a 'threat to humans.' An eight-month investigation by London-based Deep Science Ventures looked at 'how pervasive toxicity threatens human and planetary health,' with some concerning outcomes. Researchers found that the industrial economy has created over 100 million chemicals not found in nature, with somewhere between 40,000 and 350,000 currently in commercial use, and production has increased fifty-fold since the 1950s. Over 3,600 synthetic chemicals from food contact materials alone are found in human bodies, 80 of which have hazard properties of 'high concern'. The report outlines links between toxic chemicals and a range of health conditions including cancer, obesity, Alzheimer's, pregnancy issues, ADHD, fertility problems, heart conditions, and respiratory ailments. The researchers found cancer rates have exploded in the past few decades and early onset cancer in people under the age of 50 increased 79 percent from 1990 to 2019. Pointing to a possible cause, they discovered that PFAS, or 'forever chemicals,' are found in almost all humans tested with 14 percent of European teenagers having blood levels 'high enough to risk adverse health effects'. And men with high levels of certain PFAS have been found to have less than half the normal sperm count of those with low levels. PFAS, or per- and polyfluoroalkyl substances, are microscopic substances that take thousands of years to break down in the environment and human body, earning them the name 'forever chemicals.' Their main purpose is to repel water and oil, which is what makes non-stick cookware easier to clean and why certain jackets and tents can withstand rain. The chemicals can seep into the water supply from washing dishes and can enter food if packaging is made to be grease-resistant or if the non-stick coating on pots and pans begins to deteriorate. PFAS are also common in pesticides used on crops, which produces chemical-rich runoff that can enter the drinking water supply. From an analysis of peer-reviewed scientific papers as well as interviews with researchers, non-profit leaders, entrepreneurs and investors, the researchers found the food and agricultural industries to be the worst offenders. They explain: 'Pesticides and fertilizers can pollute water and affect local ecosystems as well as the food we eat, and one of the most dangerous fertilizers is the sewage sludge from wastewater treatment plants which is spread on fields even though it often contains many toxic chemicals.' The researchers warn that PFAS have now 'contaminated the whole world', with levels in rainwater often exceeding safe limits for drinking water. Last year, the EPA set the maximum contaminant levels for PFAS at 4.0 parts per trillion. They note that despite the current level of evidence, there are still 'noticeable gaps' in how industry and regulatory bodies address chemical toxicity. In the US, they highlight how loopholes in regulation have allowed more than 200 new food additives into the food system without undergoing pre-market approval. One report by the Environmental Working Group (EWG) reveals that the number is closer to 900 and these additives get through the system through what is referred to as the 'generally recognized as safe,' or GRAS, loophole. 'The loophole lets those companies – not the FDA – decide when a substance is safe,' the expose notes. It adds: 'For the other 863 new food chemicals added to the food supply since 2000, food chemical companies exploited the GRAS loophole so they could make their own safety determinations.' The Deep Science Ventures report reveals that in the FDA's own database, almost 80 percent of chemical additives directly added to food 'lack the relevant information needed to estimate the amount that consumers can safely eat, and 93 percent lack reproductive or developmental toxicity data.' And of the FDA-regulated additives - both directly and indirectly allowed in food - almost two-thirds don't have publicly available data. In the EU, even with a 'precautionary ethos, typically based on the 'no hazard data, no market' principle', they say there are still too many exceptions. 'The majority of commonly used chemicals lack adequate public data for their long-term health and environmental impacts,' they add. While humans can't see chemicals and microplastics with the naked eye, research is increasingly showing they have a big impact on our health. These toxins are estimated to cost the US healthcare system about $290 million per year, as they have been linked to everything from birth defects to cancer, dementia to asthma, and infertility to children's behavioral and learning difficulties. Microplastics smaller than one micrometer, known as nanoplastics, are of most concern, as research has shown they can infiltrate cells. Studies have revealed that microplastics can cause DNA damage and changes in gene activity, known for triggering cancer. Off the backs of the findings, the researchers called for policy makers and industry leaders to take immediate action. Underscoring the need for immediate action, the researchers concluded: 'Based on our findings, failure to act decisively will likely lead to irreversible consequences for both human health and the delicate balance of our planet's ecosystems. 'Policymakers should consider the impact of toxicity on fertility especially as many countries are struggling to boost it using expensive other incentives. This is important because human and planetary health is at stake. 'For us to ensure our continued development and ability to thrive as a human species, we have to accelerate the growth of innovative, technological solutions and ensure these are funded and scaled at pace.'
