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I was 'terrified' I'd hurt my baby: bestselling novelist Sarah Vaughan shares secret battle with mental health condition that affects 1 in 6 new mothers
Bestselling author Sarah Vaughan revealed her battle with maternal OCD on the latest episode of the Mail's The Life of Bryony podcast, describing how the condition inspired her novel Little Disasters.
Maternal OCD is a condition affecting up to 16% of new mothers, causing unwanted intrusive thoughts about harming their baby alongside compulsive behaviours intended to shield them from harm.
Vaughan's novel Little Disasters explores maternal OCD from the perspective of a woman whose insecurities about parenting spiral after she is accused by those closest to her of injuring her child.
The novel, published five years ago, has been recently adapted into a blockbuster television series starring Diane Kruger, now streaming on Paramount+.
You can listen to this episode of The Life of Bryony by clicking the player below or here
'I didn't realise I was writing about my own maternal OCD until I finished my first draft', Vaughan told columnist Bryony Gordon.
'I had experienced this sort of gaslighting of yourself, and it was terrifying.
'You know on one level that you're not really throwing your baby down the stairs. That was my thing, I thought I'd drop my baby – which is very common.
'But you can always see that vision in your mind's eye. That makes it sound like psychosis, it's not that – but it's like the fear of it is so intense you constantly anticipate another reality.'
Despite the 'terrifying' thoughts, experts say mothers with maternal OCD pose no risk to their babies - the condition actually stems from an overwhelming desire to protect them.
Before novel writing, Vaughan worked for The Guardian as a senior news reporter and health correspondent.
She said her background in journalism, covering high-profile child murder and abduction cases, sowed the seeds of her maternal OCD.
'I had a little niche of doing really dark cases', Vaughan explained.
'I covered Sarah Payne, the little girl who was snatched from a cornfield in West Sussex. I covered the Soham murders and a boy who was murdered by a paedophile in Norfolk.
'Whenever I would come to my husband with fears, he would say, well that's never going to happen.
'And I'd always say, well there was this case, this news story. Those cases are so rare, but you are led to believe they are more common than they are because you reported on them.'
Looking back, Vaughan said a 'pressure cooker of circumstances' caused her to develop OCD after the birth of her second child.
'I had about six different triggers', she said.
'I collapsed in the street 19 weeks into my second pregnancy. I was pushing my child in a buggy. I had something called symphysis pubis disorder, where basically a big baby causes your ligaments to stretch.
'I had been behaving like I was invincible… then I was bedridden for the rest of that pregnancy.
'At the same time, my husband had to move across the country for his job, and I joined him: pregnant, with a toddler, not being able to walk.
'I then took voluntary redundancy at The Guardian after a consultant said to me, if you think you can commute to London, you're mad.
'So, I was in chronic pain. I couldn't walk. I was isolated with no friends, and my husband was working long hours in this new job.
'There's a line from my book: there's nothing lonelier than being at home with a screaming baby and a mind that's unravelling.'
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Vaughan said that at her worst, she would struggle to let her children out of sight, because of worries they would be snatched.
The novelist also remembered struggling to walk up and down flights of stairs with her new baby, fearing she would drop them.
She believes the illness fed into her 'perfectionist' nature, which had served her well in journalism but proved destructive as a new mother.
'I never got my baby to take the bottle. I was obsessed with this idea: how do I know if it's sterile? I would spend hours and hours sterilising everything.
'It really kind of impacts people who are perfectionists… everything had to be immaculate.
'I was trying to validate myself for not having a job by becoming a domestic goddess, but not a forgiving one.'
A combination of CBT therapy and setting herself the goal of finishing her first novel eased Vaughan's anxieties.
She urged mothers experiencing similar 'catastrophising' thoughts about parenthood to seek help if they feel overwhelmed or immobilised.
Vaughan said: 'When I had my baby, I think it was something like 2% of mothers had postnatal OCD. Now it's as high as 16%.
'That's a lot of women experiencing this and there are organisations out there that can help you.'
To listen to the full interview with Sarah Vaughan, search for The Life of Bryony now, wherever you get your podcasts.
