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News.com.au
42 minutes ago
- News.com.au
If your partner insists you always do this together, you need to run
It might seem cute, intimate even, but relationship experts have warned a common 'romantic' gesture can actually be a sign you are in extreme danger. On the surface, showering as a couple is the ultimate act of intimacy, one that even comes with a slew of health benefits such as stress relief and increased bonding, with heat and physical touch known to release oxytocin, the 'feel-good' or 'love' hormone. But when showering together becomes insisted upon by one partner, shifting the basic human need into something that cannot be done without the other, it becomes a worrying act of control. Sydney-based lawyer and domestic violence advocate, Cassandra Kalpaxis, explained it is easily mistaken as a bid for closeness but can be determined as a precursor to domestic violence and abuse. 'Insisting on shared showers removes one of the few moments of privacy and bodily autonomy we have,' she told 'It creates an opportunity for surveillance, and often for sexual coercion, masked as intimacy. It's not about hygiene or connection: it's about access and control.' The owner of family and divorce lawyer firm, Kalpaxis Legal, added: 'It's a red flag because it represents something bigger: the slow erosion of space, boundaries, and consent in the relationship. Even when it's framed as 'love,' if it's non-negotiable, it's not safe.' US psychotherapist, Aishia Grevenberg, shared similar concerns while appearing on the RISK! podcast with journalist, Mel Hamlett, to discussed their advocacy after both surviving domestic abuse. 'Several women have shared their stories, explaining their partner always made them shower with them,' Ms Hamlett said. 'And I was like, 'Ha, that's what he [my ex] did'. Because at first it was cute, I was like, 'Oh, is this what couple's do', because I had never been in a relationship before. 'So I was like, 'OK, cool, we shower together', I didn't realise that was one of his ways of control.' She went on to explain that she 'always had to shower with him', adding that her former partner would also urinate on her as he stood behind her. 'There were all of these little ways that he was like, 'I hate you, I hate you',' she explained. Dr Grevenberg said the controlling tactic is commonly used by abusers to create a 'hive mind', a term that is used to describe how individuals are influenced by social groups, trends, or collective understanding of the world, sometimes leading to uncritical acceptance of information or behaviours. 'It's two heads, one mind, saying 'you have to shower with me' is him being intrusive to these very personal, private moments,' she shared. 'He's inserting himself and demanding, and you didn't have enough experience to know, 'I don't need to shower with you, I don't need to do this'. 'But he knew you didn't have the lived experience, and he exploited this, to step into your life and take over.' A video of the women discussing the little-known sign of coercive control has amassed almost 1 million views, with many expressing shock and disbelief in the comments. 'My ex did this too, he even controlled how much toothpaste I used. He washed me, washed my hair,' shared one. 'This just triggered me. My narcissistic ex would do this so that he could claim every space so that I never had anything of my own. The peeing thing too, ugh, God,' wrote someone else. As one raged: 'What the actual HELL! People do this?' Others stressed that everyone is entitled to privacy in a relationship. 'You don't even have to change in front of your partner,' said one. 'Wow I didn't know this was common in DV relationships.,' added another. While one woman argued: 'Men are so dangerous. If he does this, run.' Each week across Australia, a woman is killed in an act of domestic and family violence. The NSW Domestic Violence Death Review Team found that 97 per cent of intimate partner homicides in NSW (2000–2018) were preceded by coercive and controlling behaviours, such as emotional and psychological abuse. Yet, despite growing awareness, coercive control is still widely misunderstood and frequently dismissed until it escalates into physical violence. 'One of the most dangerous things about coercive control is that it often flies under the radar – not just for the victim, but for friends, family and even professionals,' Ms Kalpaxis said. 'It doesn't always look like 'abuse' in the way people expect. The behaviours often co-occur and escalate over time. 'What might start as 'just checking in' soon becomes full surveillance, financially, emotionally and physically. 'Victims gradually lose autonomy, confidence and the ability to resist. It's rarely one dramatic incident, it's the cumulative pressure, delivered dropâ€'byâ€'drop.' Some of the most common signs, many of which are overlooked, can include isolation disguised as concern, financial 'help' that becomes dependence and threats or guilt-based manipulation. 'This can look like making you feel guilty for spending time with others, or frame your loved ones as threats to your relationship,' she said. 'Taking over all the finances, such as giving you an allowance, or preventing you from working, limiting your freedom to leave. 'They may also say things like, 'You'll never make it without me,' or use children, pets, or personal secrets as leverage.' Other alarm bells include, surveillance masked as trust, such as asking for your phone password, tracking your location, or monitoring your conversations under the guise of love or 'transparency.' Micromanagement of your choices: This can look like dictating what you wear, eat, read, or how you spend your time. Even saying things like 'That outfit is too revealing' or 'Why do you need the gym?' Ms Kalpaxis said that a partner undermining your abilities, dismissing your achievements, or making you feel like you'd be lost without them, is a sign of emotional belittling, while someone who subtly turns friends and family against you or plants seeds that you're 'unstable' or 'emotional' so if you ever speak up, you won't be believed, is attempting to control of the narrative.
ABC News
2 hours ago
- ABC News
How this teen learns a visual language like Japanese with no vision of her own
Japanese is one of the most studied languages for Australian high school students — but few learn it like Jacinta McIntyre. The 14-year-old from Jamison High School in Penrith is blind and learning the language using braille. "I've been interested in learning Japanese since Year 7," the now-Year 9 student said. "I'm really interested in the language and the culture and one day I hope to go there." Jacinta studies the language through the New South Wales School of Languages, run by the state department of education. She is assisted by a team of people, including a Japanese teacher who she meets online each week to practice conversation, and two support teachers from the education department. One of those support teachers is Melissa Marscham, who has been teaching braille for almost a decade. She helps translate online course modules from English, into both English braille and Japanese braille, which is then embossed onto the page which Jacinta can feel and read. Ms Marscham has been learning the language alongside Jacinta, leaning on a Japanese braille transcriber to ensure the work is accurate. Braille is a combination of raised bumps on a surface that people can feel using their fingers, and was invented in the 19th century by French teenager Louis Braille. It is centred around six cells and different combinations of those cells make up the language. In English, each combination of six cells represents letters, numbers or punctuation. But how does Jacinta learn such a visual language like Japanese — which has three writing systems — through touch? For words in two of those writing systems — hiragana and katakana — Ms Marscham will translate those into English, then into both English and Japanese braille. Kanji, the third writing system, needs to be translated into hiragana first. "[The language is] complicated … to learn because of the braille, the sentence structure and how precise you have to be," Jacinta said. Do you have a story to share? Email Ms Marscham said Jacinta's knowledge of Japanese has recently come ahead in leaps and bounds. "Jacinta has an incredible memory … she remembers the sounds and the braille to go with it and then she's able to [transcribe] that down into sentences." As well as being taught to read and write in Japanese, Jacinta is also learning about the culture. Students who learn Japanese through the NSW School of Languages often come through the Nihongo Tanken Centre at Kirrawee High School. Decked out with tatami mats, a traditional garden, kimonos and cups of green tea, the centre is a slice of Tokyo tucked away in a quiet pocket of southern Sydney. Jacinta's favourite parts of the Japanese culture are the music and cartoons. "I like anime," Jacinta said. More than 400,000 people in Australia are blind or have low vision — a number that is increasing due to an aging population. It is not known how many of those use braille, but international estimates suggest it could be around 10 per cent of all people who are blind or have low vision. Even with shifts towards assistive technology, braille remains an important and valued tool for those who use it. Jacinta is not the first student in NSW to learn Japanese through braille and will likely not be the last. According to the NSW department of education, 2024 saw the highest number of students ever study Japanese as part of their Higher School Certificate (HSC). Jacinta wants to keep doing Japanese through to Year 12 — and possibly make it part of a future career.
ABC News
2 hours ago
- ABC News
How distance, disadvantage and the digital divide impact country schooling
When Rob Berlin received his teaching registration, his phone began buzzing with job offers almost immediately. "Because my location … came up on a register, people were watching it and went 'I'm going to give this guy a call, see if he's interested in a job'," he says. But Rob already had a job. The former engineer, based in regional South Australia, was training to become a maths and science teacher as part of the Teach for Australia program. The program gave him work and income while he got experience in a country school and undertook an accelerated learning program to complete his master's degree in teaching. Under the program, Rob was contracted to a rural school, about 450 kilometres south of Adelaide, for a two-year placement. Two years later, he is still working there. The fact that teachers like Rob are in such hot demand in rural and remote areas of Australia tells one part of the story behind a persistent disparity in student achievement levels across the country. The latest NAPLAN results reinforced a decades-long trend in students located further from cities having poorer educational outcomes. While the NAPLAN standardised test is viewed with a degree of caution — critics say the point-in-time test is not necessarily an accurate reflection of a student's overall learning progress or potential — it does provide governments with data to assess educational outcomes across geographic areas and socio-economic backgrounds. Since its introduction in 2008, it has consistently shown if a young person attends school in a regional or remote area, they are more likely to underperform on a range of measures. "Every year when NAPLAN is released, we see the same trend, which is proving very difficult for governments to address," explained The University of Melbourne's Glenn Savage, professor of education futures. Educators, unions and experts point to a range of factors contributing to the divide, including entrenched socio-economic disadvantage, difficulties in accessing allied health specialists and support services, childcare deserts, housing shortages and digital connectivity. Then there is the critical shortage of teachers across the country, which is felt most keenly beyond the cities. In regional Western Australia, school principals say a dire lack of experienced teaching staff is the number one issue affecting their students' education. Kevin Brady has worked in country schools for decades. He is currently principal of Gingin high school, north of Perth, and president of the state's regional principals Association. Mr Brady said schools and principals were working hard and being creative in their response to the staffing crisis, including combining classes and principals and deputy principals stepping into classrooms to replace absent teachers. "We have schools that are cancelling programs or cancelling specific options for students, because they can't staff those opportunities, and we've got schools where other programs … are just simply not being provided," Mr Brady said. Before Rob Berlin started at his current school, there hadn't been a specialist maths, science teacher on staff for a couple of years. "They were utilising other teachers outside of their teaching background to take on those classes and that's happening more and more," Mr Berlin said. "I've heard other conversations with teachers that aren't maths trained, but they've been given a maths class and they've got to try and do the best that they can. "It's like a language, if you're not familiar with a language you are not familiar with the small connotations and other aspects of it that really give it meaning. "Teaching … another subject I wasn't familiar with, it would be quite difficult." Australian Education Union deputy federal president Meredith Peace said teacher shortages were a problem across the country, but were exacerbated in rural and remote schools. She said those schools also faced greater difficulty accessing non-teaching specialists to support students' learning. "So, whether they're looking for psychologists, speech therapists, people to support the welfare and mental health needs of students … all of those things are much more difficult for those schools to attract the staff they need," Ms Peace said. Ms Peace said it was common for teachers to be teaching out of their field, for classes to be split and for students to join other classes when a teacher was absent and unable to be replaced, leading to a disruptive experience for students and additional workload on other teachers. The union is calling for increased funding to ensure "that growing up in a rural, regional community doesn't mean that you just accept that you're in a disadvantaged cohort and your needs aren't necessarily met". "It's not good enough that we continue to see those [regional and rural] kids — as well as some of our other cohorts of kids — lagging behind when we know with the appropriate funding and support and staff, we could better meet the needs of those kids," Ms Peace said. South Australian teacher Mr Berlin said it was students who sat outside the middle range — either those with complex or high-level learning support needs, or those who were excelling and required extension or enrichment beyond the standard curriculum — who missed out the most. He said in a regional setting it was harder for both these student groups to access specialised support. For parents like Nikki Mahony, who lives near Theodore in central Queensland, it's not just about a lack of teachers, but a lack of experienced teachers in country schools. Ms Mahony represents other rural parents on the Isolated Childrens Parents Association (ICPA), a non-profit group that advocates for the educational needs of children in rural areas. She says it tends to be younger, early career teachers who head out to bush schools, often without access to appropriate levels of support. "The key is the experienced teachers who tend to have the knowledge and experience in being able to prepare lessons that can be targeted and can account for specific differences," Ms Mahony said. ICPA's Queensland state president Wendy Henning said a shortage of local housing, as well as childcare deserts in regional towns, made it hard for educators with families of their own to make the move. "If they've got young ones, if there's no child care they can't go out into the regions, because they are losing that network of support," Ms Henning said. In Theodore, for example, there's no housing available for teachers with families — Ms Henning says it's a similar story in many other small towns across regional Queensland. When the staffing shortage peaked in the wake of the COVID pandemic, around 2022, New South Wales recorded more than 2,400 teacher vacancies in public schools. The state has seen improvement in overall teacher vacancies in the past two years, but still had 962 unfilled positions at the start of the current school term. According to figures provided to the ABC by state and territory education departments, there has been a similar pattern elsewhere, with vacancies easing slightly since 2022. In recent years measures to recruit teachers to regional schools have been introduced or expanded, with governments offering a range of salary and career incentives, subsidised housing and other benefits, like additional leave entitlements. A NSW program provides inducements for teachers to work in hard-to-staff schools, the majority of which are in regional and rural areas. In some circumstances, the education department says an eligible teacher can receive incentives to the value of $75,000-$80,000 in the first year of their appointment. West Australian principal Mr Brady said incentives were creating their own problems in his state, drawing teachers to specific schools and creating shortages in other areas — even in places that were once considered desirable locations to work, like the state's south-west. Teachers in Queensland recently went on strike for the first time in 16 years, after stalled negotiations with the state government over pay and conditions. Queensland Teachers Union president Cresta Richardson said the industrial action was aimed at ensuring the best teachers possible "not just for the city, but for the country as well". Melbourne University's Glenn Savage said attracting and retaining teaching staff was only one factor in addressing the gap between educational outcomes for country and city students. He described "a tinderbox of disadvantage" that regional students face, including access to specialist support, access to technology and reliable internet, as well as socio-economic disadvantage, which he said was the number one predictor of student outcomes. "It's like a wicked policy problem," Professor Savage said. "It's really difficult to shift and unfortunately in a country as vast and geographically expansive as Australia, it will always be a challenge while we have schools in these areas. "A school teacher or a school leader can't be expected to go and fix all society's problems so they can work within the wheelhouse of their role and do the best that they can." Professor Savage said there were some good national policies aimed at improving learning, including initiatives in the National Teacher Workforce Action Plan. But he said with regional schools facing specific challenges based on their unique location, demographics, culture and histories, a one-size-fits-all approach was not ideal. He suggested policies that place the local school at the heart of the community could help achieve change. "There's a lot of research globally … suggesting that to deal with some of these wicked problems, you've got to have a more holistic approach around how education, health and other sectors can work together," Professor Savage said. "If you think of the school as like a community hub, [it] can become a central point through which these different networks can come together." Andres Molina, a senior research fellow at Victoria University's Mitchell Institute, said a model of "full service schools" had proven successful in achieving results in disadvantaged areas in the United Kingdom and the United States. Under the model, schools delivered meal programs, transport, health, wellbeing and other services to the community. "The whole idea is to provide a set of additional activities and resources and services support for children to be able to attend school," Dr Molina said. "It's a beautiful initiative … to bring the school closer to the community and … allow students who face these barriers to come to school ready to learn."
