'I'm still me': How being treated differently based on fluctuating body weight takes a toll on self-esteem

CNA

6 days ago

At his heaviest, Mr Hayden Sum tipped the scales at 187.6kg.
"I would sit down on the train seat, and people beside me would just pop up – it made me feel a bit weird," he recalled.
Heading to the office was also a struggle, as wearing a suit made the compliance professional feel insecure about his body and how "the clothes were not enough to cover me".
These insecurities, combined with the sudden deaths of his father and cousin, as well as his mother's brain tumour diagnosis, led him to turn to food for comfort, causing his weight to increase further.
He had always struggled with his weight and was on the heavier side, he told CNA TODAY.
But after a near-death experience from pancreatitis in 2018, Mr Sum knew he had to make a change.
Today, the 42-year-old is almost unrecognisable to anyone who knew him back then. Since undergoing bariatric surgery in March 2023, which was delayed due to COVID-19 restrictions, and exercising almost daily, he has lost about 100kg.
Bariatric surgery involves reducing the stomach's size, for example, among other outcomes.
Since losing the weight, Mr Sum has noticed a shift in how people treat him, often receiving praise and other remarks about his transformation.
While losing the weight has made him more confident, part of him remains conflicted about the change in how others interact with him.
"I'm still me," he said.
People who have experienced drastic changes in their body size told CNA TODAY that they are often treated differently depending on their size.
Most said they were treated negatively when they were larger-sized, often subjected to "fatphobic" remarks about being "lazy" and to distasteful jokes.
After their bodies changed, some questioned their self-worth because of the difference in how they were treated.
FATPHOBIA
When Mr Nicholas Lee was overweight, he felt that he was constantly treated as comedic relief.
"People would laugh at the fact that a fat guy was dancing or doing something funny," he said.
"They would make comments like: 'Shall we go here, but need to walk. (You're) so fat, can (you) walk?'"
Such jokes and comments, while funny in the moment, eroded his self-esteem. He neglected his grooming, hesitated to dress up, and lacked the confidence to go out. Being in photos was another ordeal.
In June 2023, he weighed 148kg and was struggling with his mental health after separating from his wife. A month later, in hopes of pulling himself back up, ar Lee, 32, turned to exercise.
He runs a social media account called @nikkulifts, where he documents his weight loss journey.
Now weighing 97kg, Mr Lee said he has experienced a "180-degree change in how people treat and talk to me".
"You can feel people treat you differently, that they look at you with respect," he said.
When asked whether he faced stigma from being overweight, such as assumptions of laziness or moodiness, Mr Lee said his lack of confidence due to his size affected the way he behaved.
"My personality was affected by the situation I was in. When I was obese, I would get angry and frustrated easily. My mood was always down … People assumed I was lazy, and I felt that was true," he said.
But how accurate are these stereotypes?
Health experts said that labels such as "lazy" and 'lacking willpower' are rooted in stigma rather than science.
"In reality, there is evidence to suggest that weight and metabolic disorders associated with obesity can influence both physical and psychological well-being," said Dr Chan Soo Ling, a senior consultant with Ng Teng Fong General Hospital's division of endocrinology.
"Individuals with overweight or obesity issues may sometimes experience increased fatigue, lower energy levels and fluctuations in mood."
Dr Derek Koh, a family physician and head of Lifescan Medical and Wellness, said excess body fat can lead to insulin resistance, impair glucose uptake and cause blood sugar spikes and crashes.
"This affects energy levels and can lead to fatigue, irritability and mood swings," he said.
Fat tissue also secretes proteins known as pro-inflammatory cytokines, which cause inflammation in the body and affect how the brain uses mood-related chemicals. This can result in tiredness and sometimes symptoms of depression.
Dr Koh added that overweight individuals may also experience hormonal imbalances, which can affect their mood, motivation and energy levels.
Health experts and psychologists warn that fatphobia can cause more harm than good.
Dr Chan said: "It is important that we shift away from blame and instead focus on understanding the complex interplay between body weight, biology and mental health."
Dr Vincent Oh, a senior lecturer of psychology at the Singapore University of Social Sciences said that even relatively benign forms of fatphobia, such as hurtful jokes and remarks, can take a toll on mental health.
"Beyond these, fatphobia can also escalate into more severe forms including outright bullying, cyberbullying, harassment and abuse, be it verbal or physical," he warned.
"To the extent that fat people are unfairly stereotyped as being less skilled, less competent, less disciplined and so on, there is also the danger that they could be unfairly marginalised when it comes to educational and occupational opportunities."
MORE THAN JUST SIZE
For Ms Ling, a woman in her late 20s who declined to give her full name as she has been bullied over her size, the drastic shifts in people's perceptions of her depending on her weight have made her question her self-worth.
"When I was slimmer, people would say I was pretty, that I was 'healthy'. When I'm chubbier, people keep bringing up my size as a punchline," she said.
She has fluctuated between 43kg and 73kg over the last decade.
"They would ask, 'What happened to you?' ... My mother also keeps asking why I've gotten lazy … That's not true at all – I'm still me."
She added that some friends seemed superficial, wanting to spend time with her only when she was slimmer.
Similarly, 26-year-old film worker Daryl, who declined to share his surname, said he feels he must work harder to prove he is not just about his size.
"I am highly cognisant of how people feel about us (people who are overweight) ... I feel like I need to work harder to show I'm not lazy like the stereotype,' he said. 'And I want to be known by my work, not by my appearance."
He was bullied in school for his weight, lost some of it during National Service and later regained it. Today, he weighs about 100kg.
He said the change in how he is treated is most apparent in his love life. While using dating apps, Mr Daryl said he received more matches when he was slimmer.
"When we meet, they will look at my stomach and judge me from the start," he said. "But when I was slimmer, I was treated with more dignity."
Regardless of whether people have gained or lost weight, the shift in how they are treated by society based on body image can sting.
"I reckon if they have chosen to lose weight to be relieved of the stigma of fatness, they would welcome their new physical self," said sociologist Dr Tan Ern Ser, adjunct principal research fellow and academic adviser at the Institute of Policy Studies Social Lab.
"Still, some may feel the scar of previous discriminatory treatment they had received for being their then-selves, and for not being accepted for who they really are as a person."
Dr Oh said that anecdotally, some people may develop distrust towards others once they realise how differently they are treated based on size.
"Speculatively, some may find themselves distrustful of others' intentions and may wonder whether others would still treat them the same if they regained their former weight," he said.
"This could pose some challenges for forming satisfying social relationships."
Dr Tan added that people can be educated to see plus-sized bodies as part of social diversity, not as unequal.
"More importantly, interacting and working with people of different body sizes may change perceptions – that they are all fellow human beings with feelings and qualities that have nothing to do with body size," he said.
Dr Oh added that more positive media portrayals that challenge negative stereotypes, as well as education to challenge unfair assumptions about weight, could help.
"Realistically, though, it is unlikely that any large shift would happen overnight. This is something that needs to be worked on across all levels of society over time," he said.
For Mr Sum, who about 100kg, the weight loss and exercise has made him more confident. He just ran his first half- marathon, the Lazada Run, and has his eyes set on challenging himself with more runs.
The signs of his weight loss are evident in the excess skin and stretch marks on his body, which he does not plan to remove just yet.
But what has not changed, he said, is his personality, values and who he is as a person on the inside.