When we 'drop the rock,' we gain serenity and improve our relationships
'Drop the Rock' is a short talk by the late speaker Sandy Beach. (Yes, his real name!) It is a favorite message of mine. You can click here to listen to it on YouTube, but to summarize, the story describes a person struggling to swim out to a boat where her friends were waiting. She was weighed down by a rock around her neck (her friends could see it, yet she could not). The friends kept yelling, 'Drop the rock!' When she finally began to untangle the strings holding the rock around her neck, the load became lighter, and she could swim out to the boat and meet her friends.
In this analogy, the boat represents recovery. The 'rock' is a symbol of the baggage she carried: fear, anger, resentment, and so forth. The message is that we can have emotions that weigh us down without our even realizing it.
Many of us have our own rocks we carry around. We might underestimate how much they are holding us back. They harm our serenity and damage relationships.
I have a CEO friend who will periodically call me after reading a column of mine. During a recent conversation, I asked how a new member of the senior team was doing. He said, 'Funny you should ask,' and shared the situation. The person had just come from an organization in which the top leader was a hard-charging, get-it-done, no-excuses type of person. The top leader described his leadership style as KITA leadership. KITA stands for 'Kick in the a**.'
When he started at this organization, the CEO suggested he listen and build relationships. After some weeks went by, the feedback on the new hire was not good. People did not want to work with him. The CEO met with him and shared the feedback. The new hire admitted he had not adjusted his style to the new culture. He then said, 'I need to detox myself from where I came from.' Though a strong statement, it was accurate. The new hire apologized to his team and began listening and building relationships.
I have another friend who is a managing partner of a company. Over the years, when we discussed the previous company he had worked for, it was obvious he had hard feelings for the founder. I asked if I could share an observation, and he said yes. I explained that the founder had taken a chance on him, and he earned enough money to become a managing partner of another firm. While very few leaders are perfect, overall, it seems like he ran a good company. After thinking for a while, my friend said, 'You are right. I am going to send him a thank-you.' My prediction is this will open more communication.
A few tips for getting rid of baggage:
Take self-inventory. In recovery, we are taught to print the names of people we resent, get angry with, are envious of, etc. Try this. Write down the reason you feel this way. Then check how your experience with the person impacted you. It usually comes down to security or self-esteem. Then write down your role in the situation or relationship. This helps you to take a more objective look.
Share your list with a trusted person. This also helps get things out on the table.
Say a prayer for the person. Ask that they receive what you want for yourself.
All of the above will help you to stop letting a person or experience live in your head and impact your serenity.
Of course, do not stay in a toxic environment. But also make sure you're not creating or adding to your own toxic environment internally by feeding negative emotions. Drop the rock. You will be surprised at how much lighter and freer you feel.
Quint Studer is the author of 16 books on leadership in the workplace and the community. His book Building a Vibrant Community is a valuable resource for civic leaders, business owners, and all citizens who have a stake in building a community they can be proud to call home. In Sundays with Quint, he shares a selection of his popular leadership columns for leaders, employees, and business owners in all industries. He can be reached at Quint@QuintStuder.com.
This article originally appeared on Pensacola News Journal: Studer drop the rock to gain serenity, improve relationships
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This month, our twin boys — our only children — will fly the coop and head off to university. For the first time in 19 years, just two of us and our 12-pound Maltese Shih Tzu will be rattling around inside our family home. The laughter and music that have echoed off the walls will be gone, and my wife and I will enter a new, uncertain phase of life. We will become empty nesters. Admittedly, this is a rather stark interpretation of what empty nesting is going to be, but we hope we're well-prepared. We've been discussing our dreams for the future, exploring the restaurants that we never quite had time to frequent, and the pickleball paddles have been ordered. Still, it's been hard to ignore the daunting finality that has been creeping up on us for years. Empty nesting is a phrase that seems to be laden with heartache and trepidation. 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When the last one left, she said she turned to her husband and, for the first time in a quarter of a century, asked, 'So, how are you?' We're obviously not the first generation to have experienced empty nesting, a concept reportedly coined in 1914 and popularized in the 1970s, but we may be the first generation to have openly talked about it. Former first lady Michelle Obama recently discussed how she was using therapy to transition to a new phase of life after having 'launched' her daughters. Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay admitted that he was so sad when his son went off to university that he went into his son's bedroom and put on a pair of his underwear. Ramsay's heartfelt honesty also shatters a myth about empty nesting that it's only moms who are emotional when the children leave. 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'When empty nesters talk about the teenagers,' the comedian Jim Gaffigan quipped, 'they always sound like they're describing a hurricane: 'My wife and I thought we were prepared; we lost everything!'' Madonna wasn't quite so dramatic when she talked about her daughter Lourdes leaving, but she still compared it to losing an arm. Once you've come to terms with that, there is often an identity crisis to navigate. As Dodd wrote in 'The Empty Nest,' 'To me, it was glaringly obvious that parting from a child who has been the centre of your life for twenty-odd years is a really big deal. Yet while new parents are bombarded with advice, empty nest parents are left to muddle through what is arguably the most challenging phase of parenting.' She added, 'It is the flipside of the seismic emotional adjustment that new parents go through with the birth of their first baby. 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Why can even seemingly rock-solid couples run into problems when it's just the two of them at home? 'It's hard to imagine what life will be like when there's just the two of you, and it's natural to wonder what on earth you'll find to talk about,' Dodd wrote. 'One mother sums it up: 'Suddenly you're on your own and you look at each other and realise you haven't paid much attention to each other for years.' I want my kids to succeed and find their independence; the ultimate parental dream is to see our children soar. Equally, mine seem to recognize the void their departure will create — our sons have asked more than once if we'll be OK when they're gone. Such a level of emotional maturity signals to me that they'll be just fine on their own. Having thought about this impending transition for many years, I no longer fear it; in fact, I'm learning to embrace it. Planning and preparation are important, as is the mindset — we shouldn't be 'filling a hole' but finding a purpose. 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