3 Ways Abusers Co-Opt Your Healing Language — By A Psychologist

Forbes

8 hours ago

From Instagram captions to dating app bios, it's heartening to see people becoming more emotionally literate. Words like 'boundaries,' 'trauma,' 'emotional safety' and 'self-care' are now part of everyday conversations. Ideally, this shared language should support healthier relationships.
But like any powerful tool, healing language can also be misused, especially by those with manipulative or abusive tendencies. Abusers are increasingly cloaking controlling behavior in therapeutic jargon, confusing their partners and making it harder to recognize harm.
Here are three ways abusers often co-opt healing language, and what to watch out for.
Boundaries are meant to protect emotional well-being. At their best, they're an act of care, a way to express what feels safe, what doesn't, and what we need to stay connected with ourselves and others. But in the hands of someone emotionally avoidant or manipulative, the idea of 'boundaries' can be twisted into a tool for distance and control.
You might hear things like:
At first glance, these statements sound empowered, like someone doing the essential work of self-care. But often, what's happening beneath the surface is emotional withholding. This isn't always a person protecting their peace. This could be them avoiding vulnerability or evading accountability, especially in situations where it's reasonable to expect emotional availability.
In emotionally manipulative dynamics, this can leave the other person confused and unsettled. You might start second-guessing whether your needs are too much or whether asking for reassurance is somehow a violation. Because on paper, it all sounds psychologically sound, but in your body, it feels like rejection.
And over time, this dynamic has consequences. A recent study on emotional abuse and self-concealment found that people in emotionally abusive relationships often tend to suppress their feelings and retreat inward.
Simply put, the more someone's vulnerability is shut down, the more likely they are to silence themselves. What's framed as 'boundary setting' can slowly teach someone that their emotions are unwelcome and inconvenient for the other.
So how do you tell the difference between a healthy boundary and a defensive wall?
Ask yourself:
Real boundaries are relational. They're consistent, co-created and leave space for dialogue and repair. They don't ask you to disappear in order for someone else to feel safe.
The rise of therapy-informed language was meant to bring more compassion into relationships. But unfortunately, in some cases, it's made them harder to navigate, especially when words meant for healing are used to hurt.
In unhealthy dynamics, psychological language becomes a weapon. Instead of nurturing curiosity or compassion, it's used to pathologize you and shut down valid feedback. You might hear:
These statements sound insightful, as if someone is doing deep emotional work. But they're actually not. They're a strategy to silence you. The language mimics therapy, but the intention is control. Your needs get framed as dysfunction. Your hurt becomes evidence that you are the problem. Suddenly, the conversation isn't about what happened, it's about what's 'wrong with you.'
What makes this especially confusing is that it sounds like it draws from therapy without honoring its ethics.
In fact, a study published in Frontiers in Psychology noted how many therapy terms such as, 'narcissist,' 'gaslighting' and 'projection,' are what are called 'open concepts.' Meaning, their definitions are fuzzy, context-dependent and easily misused. When taken out of clinical context, they lose precision, and worse, they can be used to undermine real emotional experiences.
In relationships, this shows up as weaponized self-help: instead of holding space for your feelings, you're handed a diagnosis mid-sentence. The conversation stops being about repair and becomes about their need to be right, and your supposed pathology.
So what do you do when this happens? Don't try to win the terminology war because that's the trap. Instead, come back to your internal compass. Ask yourself:
And then, remind yourself that healthy relationships don't make you doubt your sanity. They allow room for your feelings, even when they're messy. And they certainly don't use psychology to silence you.
Healing is quiet and deeply personal. It involves introspection and meaningful change over time. But when 'healing' is used to avoid accountability, it stops being about growth.
You might hear these common phrases:
In many cases, if you look closer, you'll see the pattern: these phrases often show up at moments when harm has been caused, and repair is needed. Instead of owning their impact, the person centers their healing, and conveniently chooses to sideline yours.
This tactic mirrors DARVO, a manipulative response pattern where a person Denies wrongdoing, Attacks the confronter and Reverses the Victim and Offender roles. A first-of-its-kind study published in the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment and Trauma found that people often use this strategy when confronted about the harm they've caused.
Not only is it common, it's also effective at making the other person feel confused and self-blaming. In the study, those exposed to DARVO were significantly more likely to internalize blame.
That's the risk here. When someone positions your request for repair as an attack, or insists that you're too 'unhealed' to understand their process, the focus shifts away from the harm, and onto your supposed shortcomings. Eventually, this can affect your self-trust. You may find yourself leaving these conversations doubting your right to your feelings, wondering if you were the one standing in the way of their growth.
But real healing doesn't silence the people you've hurt. It's more of a call for you to repair and be present, especially when it's uncomfortable.
So how do you tell the difference? Pay attention to the gap between language and behavior. Ask yourself:
Because deep healing is meant for you to feel it in your body, unlike an announcement that is used to morally out-rank you. And if someone's 'healing journey' always results in you being the one hurt, that's a red flag.
Psychological terms can offer clarity but when misused, they do the opposite. This kind of misuse is especially harmful because the very language meant to empower and protect ends up being turned against you.
So, make it a quiet ritual to remind yourself of this:
And trust your 'felt sense.' If the language sounds right but feels wrong, it probably is. Healing should feel like a softening, not a silencing.
Can you safely bring your authentic self to your relationships? Take the Authenticity In Relationships Scale to find out.