I'm drifting from my long-term partner. Should we break-up?

Perth Now

7 days ago

I've been with my partner for years, and from the outside, everything looks fine, we live together, we don't fight often, and we share responsibilities. But lately, I've felt… lonely. Like we're drifting apart even though we're right next to each other. Is this normal? And more importantly, what can I do about it?
First things first: **yes, it's absolutely normal** but that doesn't mean it has to stay that way.
You can be in a long-term, committed relationship, share a mortgage, raise kids, tag each other in memes, and still feel emotionally isolated. And you're not alone: a 2023 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that nearly 1 in 4 people in relationships experience emotional loneliness at some point, even when things seem 'fine.' This isn't about the absence of love, it's often about the absence of emotional connection.
So… why do we feel lonely when we're not alone? The answer is simpler than you'd expect: We stop being curious about each other. It's easy to fall into the trap of 'I already know them.' But relationships thrive on continued curiosity. When conversations become purely logistical, 'Did you pay that bill?' 'Who's picking up the groceries?', intimacy can quietly erode.
Secondly, our 'love languages' typically don't match up. You might crave quality time or words of affirmation, while your partner thinks doing the dishes is showing love. If you're not receiving love in the way you understand it, you'll feel emotionally undernourished, no matter how much is being given.
Finally, disconnection creeps in gradually. Emotional distance often grows in silence. When we stop checking in, stop touching base, or ignore that tiny voice saying, 'something feels off,' we build parallel lives instead of an intertwined one. You're together… but not really together.
So what can you do? Start with a gentle check-in. Say something like: 'I've been feeling a bit disconnected lately, and I miss us. I'd love to reconnect more, would you be open to talking about it?' This isn't to blame. It's an invitation. Take the time to relearn your partner's love language. Use this opportunity to ask each other: 'What makes you feel most loved by me?' You might be surprised by the answer. Then commit to small, daily actions in that language, even 5 minutes of intentional affection can go a long way.
Create micro-moments of connection. Connection doesn't require grand gestures. It's built in the tiny moments, making eye contact over coffee, touching their arm as you pass by, or sending a midday 'thinking of you' text. These small sparks add up. Don't be afraid to get support. Sometimes, disconnection stems from deeper patterns, old wounds, communication issues, stress. Couples therapy or coaching can offer a safe space to rewire those dynamics (you know where to find me!).
Feeling lonely in a relationship doesn't mean it's doomed, it means your heart is craving more. Because after all, more closeness, more being seen, more being known. And the good news? It's never too late to find your way back to each other.
You're not alone in feeling alone and reaching out is already the first step home.
Your Bestie,
Amanda
Amanda Lambros is a sexologist and relationship coach with almost two decades of experience who takes pride in her 'no b-s' approach to solving your problems. She is also a certified speaking professional and has written several books on relationships, health and business which have sold more than 150,000 copies.
Do you have a question for Amanda? Email [e-mail] (don't worry, we won't publish your name!)