In my family, introvert-extrovert pairings are common. But I had to get to 36 to learn which one applied to me
I never identified as shy as a child because my younger brother was the type of kid who wouldn't speak in the company of strangers, and I – apparently – never stopped talking. Shyness was comparative, and, in my family of origin, there was always someone shyer than me.
I didn't notice my shyness until I split with my first long-term partner when I was 26. He'd been my boyfriend from the age of 14, so – by the time we parted – almost half my life. This first boyfriend was gregarious, always ready for a chat. He had a way of walking into a room and cracking a joke, so by the time I entered on his tailwind, everyone was already laughing. He'd warmed the room and I'd felt welcome. I'd never been an adult without him, so didn't have any awareness of how he'd held me under his wing.
In the aftermath of our split, I became conscious of how difficult I found certain aspects of socialising. Simple things like how to enter and exit a room. Beginnings and endings: how to start a chat and how to finish one. How to mingle in a crowd of people. Parties or gatherings of any sort suddenly became fraught.
I'd always assumed my ex-partner was simply friendly but, in 2013, a decade after our split, I read Susan Cain's, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking and realised he was an extrovert and I was an introvert. According to Cain, shyness and introversion often crossover but they aren't the same thing.
Extroversion and introversion exist along a spectrum but they are mostly viewed as traits we're born with rather than develop. It seemed odd that I had to get to 36 to learn this about myself. My chattiness one-on-one had worked as a distraction. In fact, I found bigger groups overwhelming and needed lots of alone time to recharge. Like the shyness, my obvious introversion took some time to become obvious to me.
My granddaughter came in to this world so vivacious that her extroversion was impossible to miss. Even from before she was mobile, she was throwing her arms up in welcome and squealing with delight at the sight of a visitor. Everything displayed, everything shared. She's so friendly out in public that I often come up against my own shyness when I carry her around. When she started talking, she'd motion to someone in the queue ahead and say – 'I shy' – but what she meant was, I would like to connect with that person and I'm not sure how.
Striking up conversations with strangers is not my forte but she seemed to want my help. She was not yet two but she was already pushing me out of my comfort zone. One day, while I was wheeling her along the main street of my country town, an unknown woman called out, 'Hey, party girl!' This was clearly not aimed at me and I had to laugh. My granddaughter's social networks were already larger than mine and she was still in nappies.
What is a shy person to do with such gregariousness?
My eldest son, her father, had been the same. Throughout his life I'd watched him making enthusiastic small talk with strangers. As a teen he'd start up chats with elderly people at the checkout, spying dogfood in their trolleys and asking what type of dog they had. Often, they'd brace at first – the dissonance of this friendliness with his teenage attire – but a few minutes in and they'd be smiling. When he was young, before I'd read Cain's book, I'd tried to force rest days on him to catch up from the kind of socialising that left me drained. He never seemed to need it but I did.
On these home days all his games involved imaginary 'parties'. I found his outgoingness baffling; he wondered why I was always so tired. When my second born came on the scene, dreamy and internal, he made perfect sense. He cried when I took him out in the world, all that overwhelming sound and colour. He nestled into me, staying close. As a toddler, his favourite game was snuggling on the couch. Our needs in perfect sync.
In my family, introvert-extrovert pairings are common. Both my sons have paired up with their opposites. Now I understand the terminology, it all seems so clear! My introvert son's partner once declared, 'I hate having a shower, it's so boring!' and I realised it was the only time she ever spent alone. I watch them all navigate their differing needs: the introverts enjoying recharging in quiet, the extroverts wanting chats in the shower.
My granddaughter is now just past two but she can talk up a storm. I was out with her a few weeks back and we bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for years. I was immediately awkward but my granddaughter came to my aid. 'You have a blue dress!' she said to my friend, 'and mine is pink!' The ice was broken. It was a beginning. I was holding my granddaughter on my hip but she had me under her wing.
My younger son and his partner have a fifteen-week-old baby. A new granddaughter! Thus far, she's expressive and smiley. My older son's partner gave birth last week. A grandson! In this genetic lottery, I wonder what we'll get. Introverts who'll snuggle on the couch, or extroverts who'll help us make new friends. I cannot wait to see!
Jessie Cole is the author of four books, including the memoirs Staying and Desire, A Reckoning
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The Guardian
27-03-2025
- The Guardian
In my family, introvert-extrovert pairings are common. But I had to get to 36 to learn which one applied to me
I never identified as shy as a child because my younger brother was the type of kid who wouldn't speak in the company of strangers, and I – apparently – never stopped talking. Shyness was comparative, and, in my family of origin, there was always someone shyer than me. I didn't notice my shyness until I split with my first long-term partner when I was 26. He'd been my boyfriend from the age of 14, so – by the time we parted – almost half my life. This first boyfriend was gregarious, always ready for a chat. He had a way of walking into a room and cracking a joke, so by the time I entered on his tailwind, everyone was already laughing. He'd warmed the room and I'd felt welcome. I'd never been an adult without him, so didn't have any awareness of how he'd held me under his wing. In the aftermath of our split, I became conscious of how difficult I found certain aspects of socialising. Simple things like how to enter and exit a room. Beginnings and endings: how to start a chat and how to finish one. How to mingle in a crowd of people. Parties or gatherings of any sort suddenly became fraught. I'd always assumed my ex-partner was simply friendly but, in 2013, a decade after our split, I read Susan Cain's, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking and realised he was an extrovert and I was an introvert. According to Cain, shyness and introversion often crossover but they aren't the same thing. Extroversion and introversion exist along a spectrum but they are mostly viewed as traits we're born with rather than develop. It seemed odd that I had to get to 36 to learn this about myself. My chattiness one-on-one had worked as a distraction. In fact, I found bigger groups overwhelming and needed lots of alone time to recharge. Like the shyness, my obvious introversion took some time to become obvious to me. My granddaughter came in to this world so vivacious that her extroversion was impossible to miss. Even from before she was mobile, she was throwing her arms up in welcome and squealing with delight at the sight of a visitor. Everything displayed, everything shared. She's so friendly out in public that I often come up against my own shyness when I carry her around. When she started talking, she'd motion to someone in the queue ahead and say – 'I shy' – but what she meant was, I would like to connect with that person and I'm not sure how. Striking up conversations with strangers is not my forte but she seemed to want my help. She was not yet two but she was already pushing me out of my comfort zone. One day, while I was wheeling her along the main street of my country town, an unknown woman called out, 'Hey, party girl!' This was clearly not aimed at me and I had to laugh. My granddaughter's social networks were already larger than mine and she was still in nappies. What is a shy person to do with such gregariousness? My eldest son, her father, had been the same. Throughout his life I'd watched him making enthusiastic small talk with strangers. As a teen he'd start up chats with elderly people at the checkout, spying dogfood in their trolleys and asking what type of dog they had. Often, they'd brace at first – the dissonance of this friendliness with his teenage attire – but a few minutes in and they'd be smiling. When he was young, before I'd read Cain's book, I'd tried to force rest days on him to catch up from the kind of socialising that left me drained. He never seemed to need it but I did. On these home days all his games involved imaginary 'parties'. I found his outgoingness baffling; he wondered why I was always so tired. When my second born came on the scene, dreamy and internal, he made perfect sense. He cried when I took him out in the world, all that overwhelming sound and colour. He nestled into me, staying close. As a toddler, his favourite game was snuggling on the couch. Our needs in perfect sync. In my family, introvert-extrovert pairings are common. Both my sons have paired up with their opposites. Now I understand the terminology, it all seems so clear! My introvert son's partner once declared, 'I hate having a shower, it's so boring!' and I realised it was the only time she ever spent alone. I watch them all navigate their differing needs: the introverts enjoying recharging in quiet, the extroverts wanting chats in the shower. My granddaughter is now just past two but she can talk up a storm. I was out with her a few weeks back and we bumped into a friend I hadn't seen for years. I was immediately awkward but my granddaughter came to my aid. 'You have a blue dress!' she said to my friend, 'and mine is pink!' The ice was broken. It was a beginning. I was holding my granddaughter on my hip but she had me under her wing. My younger son and his partner have a fifteen-week-old baby. A new granddaughter! Thus far, she's expressive and smiley. My older son's partner gave birth last week. A grandson! In this genetic lottery, I wonder what we'll get. Introverts who'll snuggle on the couch, or extroverts who'll help us make new friends. I cannot wait to see! Jessie Cole is the author of four books, including the memoirs Staying and Desire, A Reckoning
Telegraph
16-10-2024
- Telegraph
Being an introvert is a workplace superpower – if you develop this vital skill
If you have a career question you would like Helena to answer, get in touch at . My I, on the other hand, find networking in unfamiliar settings challenging. Crowds exhaust me, and every psychometric test I have taken confirms it: I'm an introvert, most comfortable with family, close friends or colleagues. Yet, despite his gregarious nature, Richard dreads public speaking. In contrast, I often address large audiences around the world without trepidation. This paradox illustrates a crucial point: introversion and extroversion don't always align with our assumptions about confidence and leadership abilities. Yet when Pioneering psychologist, Carl Jung, coined the terms 'introversion' and 'extroversion' to describe how individuals prefer to focus their energy. Introverts recharge by spending time alone or in quiet environments with familiar people. Extroverts gain energy from interacting with others in social settings. Most of us are a mix of the two, but lean towards either introversion or extroversion. Research on the proportion of extroverts to introverts varies, with studies suggesting ranges from 50:50, to one-third introvert and two-thirds extrovert. Interestingly, Myers-Briggs, which offers popular personality tests, found that 57pc of people worldwide actually prefer introversion. However, it also found that nine out of 10 people in the UK feel pressured to behave more extroverted. As Susan Cain, author of best-seller Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, puts it: 'Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.' Introverted aspiring leaders may feel the oppression more acutely, thanks to the widespread misperception that extroverted behaviours are synonymous with leadership potential. Some sources suggest that up to 96pc of US company leaders are extroverts, a figure I find hard to believe. While the traditional bias may be clear, I want to reassure other introverts that you can be just as effective and successful as a leader as your extrovert peers – even more so in certain contexts. And you can do that without pretending to be something you are not – in fact, Working with different companies around the world I see a growing appreciation of the value of diverse leadership styles. That may be because the environment is increasingly bombastic, the pressures more intense, the solutions more elusive. As Queen Elizabeth II put it so beautifully, 'Leadership is often about finding ways of encouraging people to combine their talents to work well together.' Introverts can be brilliant at this, happy to conduct the orchestra rather than being a prima donna. In my view, the one non-negotiable for effective leadership today – whatever your personality type – is confidence. The real sort, not bluster. While confidence is often mistakenly associated with extroversion, it is not the same thing at all. Confidence is the feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement. The distinction is crucial: while extroversion may help certain perceived aspects of leadership come more naturally – like working the room – it doesn't equate to being a good leader. A good leader has the confidence to take risks, to have the courage of their convictions, to inspire others, to watch out for colleagues, and to be happy ceding the limelight. And, of course, that doesn't require being loud or domineering. True confidence manifests in: Self-assurance: Trusting in our abilities and judgement. Authenticity: Being comfortable with our natural tendencies and strengths. Adaptability: Willingness to step out of our comfort zone when necessary. Empowerment: The ability to recognise and nurture others' strengths. The good news for aspiring leaders is that everyone can develop confidence if it doesn't come naturally. It just takes practice. When I started my career some 35 years ago, I was extremely shy. But I could see that my colleagues seemed to have Each time, nothing disastrous happened, so my comfort zone expanded, and I took the next step. Gradually, my confidence grew, and as it did, people started giving me more responsibility. As I rose to meet those new challenges, my confidence increased again, and this continued until I became CEO. But, of course, I never stopped being an introvert. Although sometimes in the past I tried to hide it, these days I don't feel the need to – it's now more widely recognised that We can be thoughtful decision-makers, for example, since we spend much time in reflection, often leading to creative, well-considered solutions. Introverted leaders also tend to be empathetic, inclusive listeners. I remember one regular big meeting where I struggled to make my contributions heard – these days, as chair, I make sure the quieter voices have their turn. Introverted leaders can also be calmer under pressure, with their analytical minds focused on solutions. And they can be good at empowering people and creating opportunities for them to grow. Obviously, there may be weaker areas that require conscious development – we may need to learn to communicate more proactively (no one can read our minds!) or to practise assertiveness. We may also need to strike a balance between taking our time and making timely decisions. We can learn from our extroverted colleagues just as they can learn from us. So, if you aspire to leadership but find yourself more energised by solitude than socialising, take heart. The world needs leaders of all types. Whether introvert or extrovert, it's vital to develop real confidence, embrace your natural strengths, and work around or overcome weaknesses. Remember: effective leadership really isn't about having the loudest voice but about bringing out the best from everyone in the room.
The Guardian
02-10-2024
- The Guardian
Canberra Liberal apologises for writing book that paints rosy colonisation picture and skips frontier wars
Peter Cain, the ACT's shadow attorney general, has apologised 'wholeheartedly' for a 2002 workbook he wrote which does not mention the frontier wars and paints a rosy picture of how Christian settlers helped First Nations peoples. In History of Australia, a student workbook and teacher's manual published by Light Educational Ministries, Cain wrote that when the British arrived, 'some were afraid of the Aboriginals; some treated them badly'. 'But the governors tried to protect the Aborigines and encouraged Christians to tell them about the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ. The Christians also tried to help the Aboriginals by caring for them and teaching them English so they could be part of the growing settlement,' he wrote. One exercise talks about the 'unfortunate things that happened' with colonisation then asks students to discuss how Aboriginal people have been 'blessed' by the British coming. In another section Cain talks about the conversion of First Nations people. 'Darwinian evolution actually taught that some Aboriginal people on the Earth represented a lower stage of humanity in the evolutionary tree,' he wrote. 'The Origin of the Species [sic] influenced some during the nineteenth century to see Aboriginal peoples as inferior and not worth the full rights of other human beings. 'In a Christian perspective all human beings are made in God's image and one of the responsibilities for the Christian Church is to make disciples of the nations … generally speaking, the settlement of Australia was accompanied by a desire to help Aboriginal peoples. 'The gospel of Jesus Christ is no doubt greatly appreciated by the many Aboriginal Christians in this land today. Even those Aboriginals and non-Aboriginals who do not consider themselves Christian receive the benefits of a society that still operates in many spheres upon Christian presuppositions and order.' Sign up for Guardian Australia's breaking news email Cain also described God as the 'creator of Australia' and said he made plans for the various tribes and nations, 'in the hope that they might find the truth about God'. 'God knew the Aboriginal peoples and made a plan for their salvation,' he wrote. Asked about the books, Cain told Guardian Australia he had 'sincere respect for the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander community'. 'And I wholeheartedly apologise for any offence given,' he said. 'My own understanding of First Nations history and culture has developed considerably in the over two decades since the student workbook was authored and published.' Prof Bronwyn Carlson, from Macquarie University's Critical Indigenous Studies department, said she was glad Cain had apologised and had learned more about Indigenous cultures. Sign up to Breaking News Australia Get the most important news as it breaks after newsletter promotion 'Hard to imagine that such nonsense was written only two decades ago,' she said. 'I am glad Mr Cain has apologised for such ridiculous statements – it is a demonstration of how power works that this nonsense was even in circulation. 'I am sure he is very embarrassed – I would be.' The workbook and manual were published by Light Educational Ministries, which sells books for home schoolers and Christian schools. Its bookstore still sells a similar workbook and manual but does not appear to stock Cain's. Cain's personal website states he had a 20-year career as a high school mathematics teacher and worked as principal in the non-government school sector before his election to the ACT Legislative Assembly in October 2020. Cain is the Canberra Liberal's member for Ginninderra. Canberrans head to the polls for the ACT election on 19 October. Another Ginninderra Canberra Liberal Elizabeth Kikkert was dumped by the party two weeks ago and is now running for Family First. Darren Roberts will also run as a Liberal candidate for Ginninderra, despite a recent controversy over social media posts. Labor's Andrew Barr is the longest serving chief minister of the ACT.
