Dear Coleen: 'I want to leave my husband for my lover but I'm scared my kids will hate me'
Dear Coleen
I am a 50-year-old married mother of two daughters aged 26 and 29. For the past five years, I've known that although I love my husband, I'm not in love with him any more. I love him because he's the father of my children.
Life hasn't been easy – he's a challenge to say the least. He has a fractured relationship with our eldest daughter and doesn't think about what he says or how it may affect others.
I've always tried to smooth over the cracks and keep the peace, but it's draining. He used to drink heavily every day and we can still smell alcohol on him. I've tried to help, suggesting he needs to talk to someone and I've offered to go with him, but he refuses and instead plays the victim.
I've been having an affair for a few months with a kind and caring man who wants a life with me. The love he feels for me radiates and I desperately want to go to him, but I'm terrified of the fall out and what my daughters will think.
I don't want to hurt anyone, but feel if I stay in this unhappy marriage, I'll suffer myself. Am I selfish for feeling this way? I don't know what to do.
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Coleen says
It's not selfish to feel how you do and I think you can confide in your daughters about how unhappy you've been without telling them about the affair. They're old enough to cope with real conversations and they love you and won't want you to be unhappy.
It sounds like you've tried everything to help your husband but, as I'm sure you're aware, there's only so much you can do. When it comes to alcohol or any addiction, that person has to acknowledge the problem and be ready to accept help.
As for the guy you're having the affair with, he's offering you something that's been missing in your marriage and that's incredibly attractive and intoxicating. I've been there myself at certain points.
But my advice is to take a beat and don't immediately throw all your eggs into one basket with this guy. If your marriage is over, it's good to have a bit of time on your own before jumping into another relationship, to get to know yourself again without having to think about anyone else.
It doesn't mean you can't date but don't make this man the be all and end all until you know what you really want. Focus on addressing your marriage – that is your priority. It will be good to feel like you're in a better place before making any kind of proper commitment to this guy or anyone else.
Also, talk to a counsellor to help you navigate things and maybe having therapy before you speak to your husband will give you more confidence and courage. Good luck.
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