How Do I Know You're Listening?

Forbes

09-07-2025

When your words say one thing ('Keep talking, I'm listening') but your body language indicates the opposite, people are forced make a choice. And when choosing between what you say and how you look and sound while saying it, they will intuitively discount your words in favor of the nonverbal messages you're sending.
Here are 3 nonverbal cues that signal listening, engagement, and interest.
1) Eye contact
Eye contact
If people are looking at us, we believe we have their interest. If they meet our gaze more than two-thirds of the time, we sense that they find our ideas appealing or valuable. That's why greater eye contact, especially in intervals lasting four to five seconds, almost always leads to greater liking.
The impact of eye contact is so powerful because it is instinctive and connected with humans' early survival patterns. Children who could attract and maintain eye contact, and therefore increase attention, had the best chance of being fed and cared for.
And eye contact retains its power with adults, as over the course of a conversation, eye contact is made through a series of glances – to gauge reactions or indicate attention. It is also used as a synchronizing signal. People tend to look up at the end of utterances, which gives their listeners warning that the speaker is about to stop talking.
When you decrease eye contact by checking texts messages or looking around the room, people don't feel heard -- even if you tell them you're listening and can repeat every word they said.
2) Tone of voice
Speaking in a warm tone of voice
When I coach business leaders, I remind them that whenever they are active listening (summarizing, asking questions to clarify, acknowledging emotions, etc.) people won't only be evaluating their words, they will be 'reading' voices, searching for clues to possible hidden agendas, concealed meanings, disguised emotions, undue stress.
The voice conveys subtle but powerful clues into feelings and meanings. Think, for example, how tone of voice can indicate sarcasm, concern, or confidence. Or how an increase in volume and intensity grabs attention because of the heightened emotion (passion, anger, assertiveness, certainty) it signals. Researchers from the University of Geneva in Switzerland discovered that they could tell whether a subject had just heard words spoken in anger, joy, relief, or sadness by observing the pattern of activity in the listener's brain. As a listener, responding with a warm tone of voice is more powerful than you might know.
3) Limbic synchrony
Mirroring
Babies do it even before birth; their heartbeats and body functions take on a rhythm that matches that of their mothers. As adults, we do it automatically when we are listening to someone we like, are interested in, or agree with.
It's called limbic synchrony, and it's hardwired into the human brain. It's the process by which we switch our facial expressions and body posture to match that of the other person – mirroring that person's nonverbal behavior and signaling that we are connected and engaged.
The neuroscience behind limbic synchrony begins with the discovery of mirror neurons and research into how empathy develops in the brain. In the late 1980s, researchers at the University of Parma in Italy found that the brain cells of macaque monkey fired in the same way whether they were making a particular motion (like reaching for a peanut) or watching another monkey or human make that movement. In terms of motor cell activity, the monkey's brain could not tell the difference between doing something and seeing it done. The scientists named those brain cells "mirror neurons.'
In human beings, it was found that mirror neurons not only simulate actions, they also reflect intentions and feelings. It's your mirror neurons that give you the capacity to empathize with the joys and sorrows of others by connecting with them on an emotional level. This explains why mirroring is such a powerful part of listening.