Husband keeps kicking wife out of their house
Get Love Letters: The Newsletter
A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more.
Enter Email
Sign Up
These days all we do is constantly argue. He has kicked me out of our house twice. Once for a night and another time for more than a week. Luckily, my children and I could go to my parents' house.
Advertisement
He and I grew up in broken homes and toxic environments, we both swore we didn't want that for our kids, but now I'm not sure what to do. I want to fight to keep my family together and my daughters to have both parents in the home. But any time we have an argument or he's stressed/tired from work, he tells me to pack my belongings and leave 'his house.'
He has anger issues and won't seek professional help or get on any medication to help. I'm positive there are other mental health issues, as well.
I'm emotionally and mentally drained by the constant fighting and being put down, but I'm trying so hard to fight for my family. Any advice?
CONFUSED AND HURT
A.
Please hear and believe me when I say you don't deserve this. Your daughters don't deserve this. I understand your desire to fight for the family you want, but one has to ask whether this man is currently capable of being a part of that kind of family.
Advertisement
His behavior is not only mercurial and unfair — the work you do in the home is a more-than-full-time job, for instance — but it's emotionally abusive. Kicking you and your children out of the home whenever he's unhappy is abusive behavior.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline (
Do it for yourself. And do it so that your daughters have a stable home in which to grow and flourish, where they'll see their mother being respected and can learn to respect themselves.
Q.
My sister is a retired career US Army nurse, having reached the rank of lieutenant colonel. This status has led her to believe she's better than anyone without military cred or medical knowledge. I was in the Navy Reserve but for her this doesn't count.
Recently, she suggested that six of our family members — we three sisters and our husbands — gather to celebrate that three of them have milestone birthdays this year. We thought it was a fun idea, so we agreed on a date.
She then asked if she could invite her husband's sister, whom four of us don't know. My other sister and I said we didn't support the invitation, pointing out that the sister-in-law would change the dynamic in a negative way, noting that my sister and her husband don't even like the sister-in-law, so the invitation seems like a pity invite.
Advertisement
My elder sister then put the kibosh on the event. My other sister and I still would like to have the gathering.
Any ideas on how to approach a bossy elder sibling? This isn't the first time she has co-opted an event, and we're tired of the drama.
WEARY OF IMPERIOUS SISTER
A.
You've already saved the date and made tentative plans, so there's nothing stopping you and your other sister from going ahead with the celebration. You can even tell your elder sister, 'we thought it was a great idea, and we'd hate to not get together. Please consider joining us.'
As the person who planned the event initially, she was, I suppose, within her rights to make the guest list. And you were within your rights to voice your objections. But she doesn't get to decide when and how you all gather.
If you're willing to do the work to organize it, you should go.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Boston Globe
4 hours ago
- Boston Globe
Husband accuses good Samaritan of bad intentions
I figured I could use the money, so I made him pay rent. A few days ago, I got home before my husband and decided to wait for him to get home in bed undressed. That's something we do often. To my surprise, he was mad at me and accused me of sleeping with my cousin. I was so crushed. I couldn't believe it. I can't stop crying. I can't believe he thought so little of me. Advertisement I feel like my relationship is shipwrecked. Of course, I asked my cousin to leave immediately but I can't bring myself to hold my husband close to me anymore. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up Why can't he understand why I'm so hurt? WRONGLY ACCUSED A. This idea, incorrect as it is, likely took root in your husband's mind long before the blowup. And since he didn't talk about it with you, it had plenty of time to fester and flourish until it was overwhelming. I can't say why he would believe this in the first place or why he wouldn't bring it up earlier in an attempt to clear the air. I'm sorry that you and your cousin had to suffer for it. What you and your husband need right now is a clear, calm conversation that can help to chip away at the story he's created in his mind and lead you both to the root of the issue. That's going to be very hard to do without a third party guiding you, listening to you, and helping you listen to each other. That third party might be a therapist, a religious leader, or a friend who is skilled at remaining neutral and asking questions. Advertisement Lay out the basic truth: You're hurt, he's upset, and neither of you wants to feel this way. You may want to reinforce that you're not trying to set him up or convince him. You're trying to create a space that's safe enough for both of you to hear each other and move forward. Q. For more than 30 years my husband and I hosted extended family, friends, and neighbors for multiple occasions every year, including Christmas Day with gifts, kids' birthdays, bridal and baby showers, and our daughters' milestones. Also, every year we threw a big Fourth of July party and included our neighbors with swimming, barbecue, and tickets to our town's fireworks event where I brought desserts and coffee, etc. These occasions were wonderful, and everyone always seemed to have a great time. However, planning, preparing and hosting all of these events with both of us working full time was extremely stressful and costly. After 30 years, we decided that we were done playing host, with the exception of our daughters' families. Now we hardly ever see these former guests and when we do the typical comment is 'Where have you been hiding?' or 'Is everything OK — we have not heard from you?' as if something is wrong with us. Advertisement We are stymied as to how to respond in a manner that lets people know we have been fine but decided it was time for someone else to host the get-togethers. I would love your advice. HOSTING NO MORE A. Agh, the curse of the good host. You're so diligent about throwing parties that others around you come to expect it. And when you don't do it, no one else steps up because, well, they were having too much fun eating your food and celebrating your milestones. Social gatherings really thrive on good communication and clear direction. Think of how name tags can facilitate easy conversation at a mixer or clear signage can help everyone end up in the right place at the right time for a surprise party. When people ask where you've been, it'll be helpful for you to tell them you've retired from the party business and encourage them to invite you to their gatherings. 'We miss seeing you. Maybe you can host us sometime.' This might feel forward, but people often need a little push or a little permission. And this isn't you inviting yourselves over. The others can always say no. I would even go a step further and send out a little card — maybe at a holiday, maybe whenever it comes to mind. Think of it as a reverse invitation that says, 'We've stepped back from hosting, but we still want to see you. We invite you to invite us; we'll bring dessert.' R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Boston Globe
2 days ago
- Boston Globe
Parents find visits with son's family increasingly stressful
Our last visit was truly exhausting and my husband doesn't want to go again anytime soon. I know if I have a conversation with my son, we will probably not talk at all and it will sever our relationship. I truly don't know what to do because I didn't raise my son to be so difficult and make our family so uncomfortable in his and his wife's presence. Please help. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up LOST AND STRESSED MOM Advertisement A. Reading your letter, I wondered if it was possible to change the structure, schedule, or even the setting of your time with your son. It sounds like you're looking for more hospitality, which is totally fair. Or, short of that, a visit that's rooted in mutual enjoyment and the easy compromises that go along with it. So, perhaps by giving yourself some of that hospitality and consideration, you can take the pressure off and enjoy yourself more. If you're visiting him at his home, for instance, I wonder if there's a part of him that feels his space is being infringed upon or his schedule is being jostled. If so, it's possible to take the triggers away. Advertisement You and your husband could plan other local events for your time in his state — seeing friends, visiting cultural institutions, et cetera — and choose one or two pockets of time to engage with your son and daughter-in-law. This way you have something to look forward to, something around which to build your schedule, and you're not beholden to his hospitality or lack thereof. The desire to visit isn't always met by the ability to visit well. It sounds like he's got some growing to do in that area. If you're walking around on eggshells, the best thing may be to step back for a little bit. Q. I have two close female friends (13 years of friendship and 30 years of friendship, respectively). I introduced them to each other. They have a lot in common and now we're all close. They are both single. In the last year my live-in boyfriend has developed Alzheimer's and I am not as available for hiking, canoeing, or going to museums as they are. I recently found out that my two friends frequently meet without me for hikes and museum trips and lunch afterward without including me. I totally understand that I cannot participate or stay away from my boyfriend for hours. I totally understand that they have these activities in common but not with me. I just found out that they are planning an overnight trip to the West Coast of Florida as a girls trip and hiking trip. They did not ask me. Eric, I am fully aware of my limitations but I am hurt that neither one of them included me by asking. A simple 'We would love for you to join us but understand your situation and will miss you' would have made me happy. Instead I am hurt and trying to get over it. I have not mentioned anything to my friends about how I feel. Advertisement Am I too sensitive about just wanting to be included by simply asking? These two women would not even know each other if it was not for me introducing them to each other. UNMATCHED MATCHMAKER A. You're not being too sensitive. This hurts and it's hard. As a caregiver, you may be stretched thin, you may feel more emotions, and you may find that the demands on your time are changing in ways that are out of your control. This is a moment for compassion, for yourself and from others. Thinking generously, it's possible that your friends are trying to be compassionate by not inviting you to things they assume you can't do. But they need to say it so that their intentions are not misconstrued. These relationships are so longstanding that I think they can withstand the truth. Indeed, they might flourish with it. Tell them that you felt hurt and explain that that hurt also comes from a love for them and for your friendships. Tell them that you know your life looks different now but you still want to feel wanted. Sometimes even our closest friends need to be encouraged to think creatively about how to best show up for us. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Yahoo
4 days ago
- Yahoo
Pete Hegseth looking to bring back Army's aggressive ‘Shark Attack' practice as he slams ‘woke' training: report
Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is weighing the return of the U.S. Army's aggressive 'shark attack' training practice as the Pentagon vows to 'Make Basic Great Again.' Hegseth, a U.S. Army National Guard veteran, pledged on Wednesday evening to crack down on what he sees as 'weak, woke' and 'politically correct' basic training. 'Getting back to basics…means getting back to tried, true & tough BASIC TRAINING,' he continued in a post on X. 'When we start soft, we get soft.' Part of Hegseth's toughening-up process could involve bringing back 'shark attacks,' a defense official told military news website Task and Purpose. The practice involves recruits being swarmed by several bellowing drill sergeants to establish dominance at the start of basic training. The in-your-face tactic, which became familiar to veterans of the Vietnam War era when many draftees filled ranks, was phased out about five years ago after being deemed no longer appropriate. It was instead replaced by the 'Thunder Run': a day one training exercise which requires recruits to quickly and efficiently move equipment along a quarter-mile stretch, arranging items in the same way as they were picked up. 'Errors are penalized with push-ups or other exercises,' according to the U.S. Army website. At the time, Command Sgt. Maj. Thomas Yaudas said that 'nothing's really changed' apart from 'we're not screaming in their faces.' While some Army officials believe shark attacks are outdated and were rightfully replaced, others think it can be an effective technique to acclimate trainees to basic training. 'It presents the 'shock and awe' effect of soldiers coming into a new environment, which may include a lot of chaos,' Master Sgt. Joseph Harrison, a retired drill sergeant in Fort Jackson, South Carolina, told Task and Purpose. The method, he said, also helps weed out trainees who cannot follow instructions and 'lack the ability to soldier correctly.' Right-leaning news organization Just the News first reported that Hegseth was looking to bring back drill sergeant shark attacks, to which the defense secretary shared on X and responded with a '100' emoji. Hegseth also shared a black and white photo of two Army drill sergeants screaming in the face of a recruit. Hegseth also directed the military to reverse a ban on 'bay tossing,' defense sources told the website. It would allow drill sergeants to overturn mattresses or bunks of military trainees once again, toss locker contents onto the floor, knock over trash cans, and other ways of causing a mess – before demanding that recruits clean it up. According to one Pentagon official, Hegseth said that 'bay tossing' is necessary because tough training equates to 'more cohesive' units. The official told the news site that they want to eradicate training methods that 'breed undisciplined people' and 'wimps.' 'Tossing bunks is back. Drill sergeants are back. Getting cursed at is back,' a Pentagon source said. Pentagon Press Secretary Kinglsey Wilson also shared the story on X along with the caption: 'Make BASIC Great Again!' The Independent has contacted the Pentagon for more information.
