Parents find visits with son's family increasingly stressful
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LOST AND STRESSED MOM
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A.
Reading your letter, I wondered if it was possible to change the structure, schedule, or even the setting of your time with your son.
It sounds like you're looking for more hospitality, which is totally fair. Or, short of that, a visit that's rooted in mutual enjoyment and the easy compromises that go along with it. So, perhaps by giving yourself some of that hospitality and consideration, you can take the pressure off and enjoy yourself more.
If you're visiting him at his home, for instance, I wonder if there's a part of him that feels his space is being infringed upon or his schedule is being jostled. If so, it's possible to take the triggers away.
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You and your husband could plan other local events for your time in his state — seeing friends, visiting cultural institutions, et cetera — and choose one or two pockets of time to engage with your son and daughter-in-law. This way you have something to look forward to, something around which to build your schedule, and you're not beholden to his hospitality or lack thereof.
The desire to visit isn't always met by the ability to visit well. It sounds like he's got some growing to do in that area. If you're walking around on eggshells, the best thing may be to step back for a little bit.
Q.
I have two close female friends (13 years of friendship and 30 years of friendship, respectively). I introduced them to each other. They have a lot in common and now we're all close. They are both single.
In the last year my live-in boyfriend has developed Alzheimer's and I am not as available for hiking, canoeing, or going to museums as they are.
I recently found out that my two friends frequently meet without me for hikes and museum trips and lunch afterward without including me. I totally understand that I cannot participate or stay away from my boyfriend for hours. I totally understand that they have these activities in common but not with me.
I just found out that they are planning an overnight trip to the West Coast of Florida as a girls trip and hiking trip. They did not ask me.
Eric, I am fully aware of my limitations but I am hurt that neither one of them included me by asking. A simple 'We would love for you to join us but understand your situation and will miss you' would have made me happy. Instead I am hurt and trying to get over it. I have not mentioned anything to my friends about how I feel.
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Am I too sensitive about just wanting to be included by simply asking? These two women would not even know each other if it was not for me introducing them to each other.
UNMATCHED MATCHMAKER
A.
You're not being too sensitive. This hurts and it's hard. As a caregiver, you may be stretched thin, you may feel more emotions, and you may find that the demands on your time are changing in ways that are out of your control.
This is a moment for compassion, for yourself and from others.
Thinking generously, it's possible that your friends are trying to be compassionate by not inviting you to things they assume you can't do. But they need to say it so that their intentions are not misconstrued.
These relationships are so longstanding that I think they can withstand the truth. Indeed, they might flourish with it.
Tell them that you felt hurt and explain that that hurt also comes from a love for them and for your friendships. Tell them that you know your life looks different now but you still want to feel wanted.
Sometimes even our closest friends need to be encouraged to think creatively about how to best show up for us.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
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Our last visit was truly exhausting and my husband doesn't want to go again anytime soon. I know if I have a conversation with my son, we will probably not talk at all and it will sever our relationship. I truly don't know what to do because I didn't raise my son to be so difficult and make our family so uncomfortable in his and his wife's presence. Please help. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up LOST AND STRESSED MOM Advertisement A. Reading your letter, I wondered if it was possible to change the structure, schedule, or even the setting of your time with your son. It sounds like you're looking for more hospitality, which is totally fair. Or, short of that, a visit that's rooted in mutual enjoyment and the easy compromises that go along with it. So, perhaps by giving yourself some of that hospitality and consideration, you can take the pressure off and enjoy yourself more. If you're visiting him at his home, for instance, I wonder if there's a part of him that feels his space is being infringed upon or his schedule is being jostled. If so, it's possible to take the triggers away. Advertisement You and your husband could plan other local events for your time in his state — seeing friends, visiting cultural institutions, et cetera — and choose one or two pockets of time to engage with your son and daughter-in-law. This way you have something to look forward to, something around which to build your schedule, and you're not beholden to his hospitality or lack thereof. The desire to visit isn't always met by the ability to visit well. It sounds like he's got some growing to do in that area. If you're walking around on eggshells, the best thing may be to step back for a little bit. Q. I have two close female friends (13 years of friendship and 30 years of friendship, respectively). I introduced them to each other. They have a lot in common and now we're all close. They are both single. In the last year my live-in boyfriend has developed Alzheimer's and I am not as available for hiking, canoeing, or going to museums as they are. I recently found out that my two friends frequently meet without me for hikes and museum trips and lunch afterward without including me. I totally understand that I cannot participate or stay away from my boyfriend for hours. I totally understand that they have these activities in common but not with me. I just found out that they are planning an overnight trip to the West Coast of Florida as a girls trip and hiking trip. They did not ask me. Eric, I am fully aware of my limitations but I am hurt that neither one of them included me by asking. A simple 'We would love for you to join us but understand your situation and will miss you' would have made me happy. Instead I am hurt and trying to get over it. I have not mentioned anything to my friends about how I feel. Advertisement Am I too sensitive about just wanting to be included by simply asking? These two women would not even know each other if it was not for me introducing them to each other. UNMATCHED MATCHMAKER A. You're not being too sensitive. This hurts and it's hard. As a caregiver, you may be stretched thin, you may feel more emotions, and you may find that the demands on your time are changing in ways that are out of your control. This is a moment for compassion, for yourself and from others. Thinking generously, it's possible that your friends are trying to be compassionate by not inviting you to things they assume you can't do. But they need to say it so that their intentions are not misconstrued. These relationships are so longstanding that I think they can withstand the truth. Indeed, they might flourish with it. Tell them that you felt hurt and explain that that hurt also comes from a love for them and for your friendships. Tell them that you know your life looks different now but you still want to feel wanted. Sometimes even our closest friends need to be encouraged to think creatively about how to best show up for us. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
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