American TV adverts have restored my faith in Britain

Times

3 days ago

I bring good news from across the Pond — things are not as bad as they could be. I am drawing this conclusion not from a forensic analysis of the political and economic situation in which we find ourselves. I'm drawing it from an ad break I watched in California at the weekend. It's enough.
The break began with someone who looked very happy with his new car. The car was made in Japan — Maga boo! — but it was assembled entirely in Michigan — Maga hurrah! — and for just $399 a month I could be very happy too. Next, why not consolidate all my debts into one big debt, asked the debt-consolidation company. It did not suggest not buying a new car in the first place.
Then came three fast-food ads — a bigger burger at a lower price, a whole tray of tacos for just $7.99 and what looked like a $10 wheelbarrow of ribs. At 9am, the thought of eating all that gave me heartburn, which is when the opportunists at Gaviscon struck. They were followed by the opportunists at the air freshener factory. Does your home smell of burgers and tacos? Do the windows not open? Then spray your home with chemicals and look how happy your guests will be.
Five adverts in, you could argue that we're not so different here in the UK. We buy cars and fast food and some of us prefer room fresheners to housework. But we don't have anything like what came next.
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'For so long I felt stuck, but Zepbound means change,' says a woman who starts doing the salsa. The woman is well built, but clearly not as well built as she was before she was injected with Zepbound, an Ozempicish medication for chronic weight management. Now she can salsa! Seconds later a large dad is teaching his kid to skateboard, which is much more fun, the subtext implies, than being cut out of your bedroom by the fire brigade.
'It's changing how much weight I lose,' says another woman as she zip wires over a forested valley. She lost 48lb, she reveals, as we're invited to imagine how the zip wire ride might have turned out without Zepbound. Then another large man goes swimming.
The last time I was in the US, this 30-second sequence would have been followed by about four seconds of side-effects read out very quickly. Now they really take their time. 'Don't take if allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Tell your doctor if you get a lump or a swelling in your neck.'
Even if I wasn't taking Zepbound I'd probably tell my doctor if I had a lump in my neck, but they're not finished. 'Stop Zepbound and call your doctor if you have severe stomach pain or a serious allergic reaction.' The salsa dancing continues. 'Severe side-effects may include inflamed pancreas or gallbladder problems.
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'Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, depression or suicidal thoughts.' The zip wire woman is beaming now. Should she be anywhere near a zip wire? 'If you're nursing, pregnant, plan to be, or are taking birth control pills, taking Zepbound with sulfonylureas or insulin may cause low blood sugar ' The chap the woman is dancing with is clearly up for it but they keep dancing. Is no one worried about the birth control and the low blood sugar?
Still not finished. It can't be fun if you're too obese to zip wire, but it would be worse to zip wire with 'nausea, diarrhoea and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and worsen kidney problems.' Jeez.
After 40 seconds of doom and gloom, the voiceover has the cheek to conclude, 'Zepbound means change.' There is time for one final advert, in which California's largest personal injury law firm will get me the payout I deserve.
No American I ask seems to think any of this is unusual. Like lobsters in gently heating water, they've become accustomed to a string of fast-food ads followed by a heartburn ad followed by an obesity drug ad that consists mostly of what horrible things the drug could do to you. Suicide, diarrhoea and a woman on a zip wire is normal television.
'I think the drug companies got sued because they weren't clear enough about the side-effects,' says one Californian friend when I ask what's going on. 'We're just crazy,' says another. Gluttonous, consumerist, isolationist and litigious — we're not quite all of those things just yet. I told you things could be worse.