‘Let them': can this viral self-help mantra change your life?

The Guardian

29-01-2025

Is there anything more frustrating than other people?
Despite our best efforts to persuade them to do, say and be what we want, they persist in upending our plans by making their own decisions, being their own people and thinking their own thoughts.
One can waste hours spiraling about others' behavior. Why weren't we included in that meeting at work? Why did that stranger cut us off in traffic? Why is that friend still with her boyfriend even though he sucks?
Enter: the Let Them theory.
Someone cut you off? Let them. Your friend is still with their lame boyfriend? Let them. Every time you are about to start obsessing over someone else's actions, remember: let them!
The concept was recently popularized by motivational speaker and self-help guru Mel Robbins. 'I just heard about this thing called the Let Them theory,' she told her millions of followers in an Instagram post in May 2023. 'I freaking love it.'
The video quickly went viral. People got 'Let Them' tattoos. In December 2024, Robbins released a book, The Let Them Theory. It became a New York Times bestseller. CNN and the New York Times interviewed Robbins. Oprah talked about it on her podcast, saying: 'This book is a game-changer. It's a life-changer.'
There are some important caveats to the theory, according to Robbins. First, she argues, 'let them' only works if it is followed by 'let me'. In other words, it is not an excuse for inaction. Accepting that we can't control other people's actions is a reminder that we are entirely responsible for our own. You are not responsible for someone cutting you off in traffic, but you are responsible for not flipping them off and shouting obscenities out the window.
Also, there are certain situations in which you should not, under any circumstances, 'let them'. Robbins explained in a podcast episode that the theory does not apply if someone wants to do something dangerous or if you see someone being discriminated against. In those cases, she says, you must speak up. Second, you must always advocate for yourself and what you need – negotiate a higher salary, for example, or insist on getting the medical care you need. Finally, if someone continually violates your boundaries, you should not 'let them' do that, Robbins says.
The 'let them' concept is not without its critics. People have argued that the theory is stoicism repackaged. Others have criticized Robbins for not crediting poet Cassie B Phillips, whose poem Let Them went viral in 2022.
(When I emailed Robbins for comment about Phillips' poem, she responded: 'The Let Them Theory has its roots in Buddhism, Stoicism, the Serenity Prayer, the legacy of Dr Martin Luther King Jr (his son gives a quote in the book about it) and therapeutic modalities like Detachment Theory and Radical Acceptance! I believe that's why saying Let Them and Let Me is so powerful – it feels familiar to everyone because it is.')
And some think it's simply too obvious and flimsy an idea to sustain an entire book.
Robbins herself acknowledges this. As she told the New York Times: 'Yeah, it's a cheap trick – and it works.'
Robbins, an author, podcaster and former lawyer, is not a mental health professional. But experts agree that giving up on trying to control the behaviors and actions of others can be hugely beneficial – not only for yourself, but for the people around you as well.
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'Other people's behavior is simply a reflection of their journey,' says Dr Tchiki Davis, founder of the Berkeley Well-Being Institute. 'When we no longer feel the need to 'correct' or 'save' others, we can more easily accept them for who they are.'
Some mental health professionals have also found the Let Them theory helps people grasp more difficult concepts. Selene Burley, a licensed therapist in California, says she has shared the theory with many of her clients. 'It's been eye-opening for them,' she says.
Burley says it's been especially helpful for those who struggle with healthy boundaries. 'The Let Them mindset simplifies it in a way that feels approachable and empowering,' she says. 'It shifts the focus from controlling or fixing others to accepting what's within your control – your reactions, your focus, your peace.'
Burley adds that she's used the mantra in her own life, as a reminder to let her children make their own decisions and learn from their mistakes. 'Letting them figure things out on their own is hard sometimes, but it's so good for them and for me,' she says.
Like many, I came across the Let Them theory on social media. The idea seemed useful, although I fancied myself pretty good at boundaries already. Live and let live; not my monkeys, not my circus, etc.
Then I realized how often I found myself thinking: 'Let them.' When two friends butted heads, it took everything in me not to intervene and smooth things over. 'Let them,' I thought, every muscle in my body tense with anxiety. After an argument with a loved one, I stomped on the treadmill for an hour, jaw clenched, and mentally fumed: 'Let them.'
The phrase was not a panacea. It still took time for whatever emotion I was feeling to pass. But saying 'let them' prevented me from being reactive. It gave me space to pause and remind myself that my own actions are all I can control. Annoying! But also liberating. When you are not wasting time trying to think about how you can control other people, you have more time to think about other things, such as books or pants.
Burley says 'let them' is a piece of advice she wishes she had heard sooner. 'It's a reminder that it's OK to step back, let people be who they are, and stop carrying things that aren't ours to carry.'