There's a misperception about teen dating violence in CT. ‘There is a disbelief that it can happen'

Yahoo

13-02-2025

Teenagers across the country are experiencing high rates of dating violence, according to the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention,
The CDC reports that 1 in 12 teenagers experience physical dating violence and 1 in 10 teenagers experience sexual dating violence. Females are more at risk according to the survey.
Hartford's Interval House, the state's largest domestic violence agency, is seeking to highlight this issue and will hold a press conference at Connecticut State Community College's Capital Campus in Hartford on Friday at 11:30 a.m. as February is recognized as National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month.
Mary-Jane Foster, president and CEO of Interval House, said the biggest misconception about teen dating violence is that people don't think it's happening.
'We somehow think that our young adults are too young and too new to the world of relationships to experience abuse of any kind,' Foster said. 'It's a very big barrier and there is a disbelief that it can happen to a 12- or 13-year-old. According to a CDC study, over 80% of parents don't know that this is happening to their child but one in three children are reporting it.'
Foster said many trends parallel with adult abusive relationships, not just with physical abuse but also with cyber stalking.
'In particular with teens, there is cyber stalking and the whole technology of abuse with dozens of texts that rise to the level of stalking constantly asking, 'Where are you?' or 'Why aren't you talking to me?' 'Who are you with?' 'I don't want you to play soccer because that is time away from me' or 'I don't want you studying at the library because it takes time away from me.' There are many cases of an abusive teen is regulating and controlling another teen's life,' Foster said.
'It's prevalent. But it's important to talk about it. If we don't, it will only get worse. It's fascinating going into middle schools and high schools and teens are willing to talk to you about this,' she said. 'Even if it's not about their life, they will tell you about their friend's life. As teens begin to open up, stories come out and they are receptive and want to know what a real relationship is and what is normal.'
Foster said the best way to contend with this issue is prevention. Approximately 15.5 million children are exposed to domestic violence in the United States every year, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
'Without intervention, two out of these young witnesses of abuse will repeat those behaviors in their own adult relationships,' Foster said. 'The only way we can manage these numbers is to work harder on prevention. This is information that needs to be out there in a consistent fashion so people can hear it more than once. Prevention has to be regular and consistent to stick because everyone deserves healthy friendships, romantic and family relationships.'
Sofia Veronesi, 20, claimed that she experienced teen dating violence for 2 1/2 years. The Bristol resident and college student said she is a proud survivor and is looking to educate and help other teenagers who may be experiencing what she went through.
Veronesi said she was a teen when she had a boyfriend, and it took her some time to realize she was being abused.
'I simply turned a cheek to because I deemed it as normal relationship behavior,' Veronesi said. 'I had nothing to compare it to. It started with me quitting my co-ed sport and then snowballed over the next 2 1/2 years into physical, mental and sexual abuse.
'My brain has seemed to block out a lot of the violent memories, but one vivid instance I remember was on my… birthday. I made plans to spend the day with him, and it quickly turned unpleasant. We began to argue. I'm not sure what about, and before I knew it, I had been struck in the face, leaving me bleeding and a mark on my forehead. I easily dismissed it as an accident and lied to my whole family that day later at my party and told them his dog had scratched me. In retrospect, there was always an excuse for his actions, and I was always somehow the one apologizing.'
Over time the mental and physical abuse escalated, she alleged. She claimed that the relationship 'altered the course of some of the most pivotal and developmental years of her life and despite having a loving family,' she was isolated and felt like she could tell no one what she had been experiencing.
In 2022, Veronesi spent a long weekend with her cousins and confided with them that she was in an unhealthy relationship and decided to end the relationship for good.
'He did not take this lightly,' Veronesi alleged. 'I had been harassed for days to share my location with him, send him pictures of who I was with, and threats of him coming to find me at night while staying on the beach. I blocked his number, but he would create anonymous numbers from a number generator app, which gave him endless communication with me. I decided to unblock his number because there was no hope of never hearing from him again.'
She arrived back at home at 8 a.m. the next morning and claimed that she woke up an hour later with her boyfriend hovering over her.
'He was furious with me; I could see it in his eyes,' Veronesi alleged. 'He accused me of cheating and ripped my phone from my hands. I was helpless. He began to plead with me, 'How could you do this to me?' I begged him to leave. Before I knew it, I was struck in the face once again. I demanded he leave, and I ripped my phone from him. I ran into my bathroom and screamed for help from my parents despite being home alone with him. He attacked me again, this time pushing me into a windowsill and leaving me concussed, covered in broken glass. He fled the house after that, and I sat there in tears, knowing what I had to do.'
Left trembling with fear and begging for her family to come home immediately, Veronesi said she didn't want to call the police to admit to the severity of the circumstance to herself, but she ultimately did. Her boyfriend was arrested later that day and faced three felony charges.
'Unfortunately, I waited for the worst, but it almost felt inevitable,' Veronesi said. 'I had finally gotten the courage to leave, and this was what I had been fearing would happen. I am truly blessed to be where I am, but all women in this situation should know they don't have to wait for the worst to escape. There are resources out there to protect you from your abusers, despite how alone you may feel.'
Veronesi said during her unhealthy relationship she had lost all of her friends and felt cut off from the norms of healthy relationships.
'I associated and downplayed my ex-boyfriend's abusive behavior with anger issues initially until, evidently, more than just anger. I had friends shame me because of my relationship and made fun of me for being abused rather than help me,' she said.
Over the last two years, Veronesi has spoken at multiple occasions on behalf of the Interval House, telling her story.
'Being a survivor is rooted in everything I do and stand for,' Veronesi said. 'While sometimes it is hard to think of the experiences I endured, they have made me a resilient, confident and grateful human. One who is proud to simply be alive because there were moments when I feared for my life. Being a survivor is even rooted in my studies as a college student. I am dedicated to finding work in legislation to mandate teen dating violence prevention into educational methods in middle and high schools.
'I am proud to say I have built myself into a stronger woman than I ever was before and have used the experience to be an advocate rather than still live in fear,' Veronesi said. 'Lastly, I would like to tell the women or girls out there that love should not hurt. No individual should ever have you in a situation where your life is no longer your own. You are brave, and there are ways to get out that will protect you. You are loved, and you are capable of having the life you deserve,' she concluded.
National non-profit organization One Love Foundation, based in Baltimore, Maryland, has a 'goal of ending relationship abuse. We empower young people with the tools and resources they need to see the signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships and bring life-saving prevention education to their communities.'
The foundation was created to honor the tragic death of University of Virginia lacrosse player Yeardley Love, who was killed by her ex-boyfriend on May 3, 2010 just three weeks before graduating from college.
One Love Foundation has a free educational website on teen dating violence with a curriculum as well as an activity and film-based workshops.
'Knowledge is power,' said One Love Foundation CEO Julie Myers. 'So, if people understand what our kids are juggling and what they're trying to manage before they really have the tools or experience to manage a whole lot of them. Just keeping the parents in the loop and the trusted adults in the loop — it can be really lifesaving.'
Myers said national statistics are trending in the wrong direction as far as teen dating violence.
'I do think a lot of people have started to understand what an unhealthy or an abusive relationship looks like,' Myers said. 'I think people are slowly talking about it a little bit more often. When you look at the national stats and police reports, you realize that almost 90% of those killed through domestic violence are women. It is a huge public health issue for women in particular, although it is affecting more and more men and transgender, LGBTQ, really people everywhere. The trends are not going in our favor. I think a lot more awareness has to happen, a lot more education.'
February was declared the month as National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month in 2011, and Myers said raising awareness is critical.
'There are 1.4 million high school students every year that are dealing with teen dating violence and only 33% of those teens actually told anybody about the abuse. We are just looking to normalize it and giving it language so people can say that this is happening to me, this is what I'm feeling or experiencing so that people know how to get help,' Myers said.
'Most of the abuse happens between ages 16 and 24. I know we're teaching our kids how to drive, and we're hoping that they make varsity and that they become All-Americans and go to college. What we need to be doing is asking about their friendships and their relationships and what it is that makes them happy and what is it and what they enjoy doing and what behaviors they value the most,' Myers said.
Myers said trusted adults like parents, coaches and teachers need to recognize that kids may need some help here and there and the best way to help is consistently check in and show compassion.
Social media and technology have added newer aspects to this abuse in recent years and teens need to put guardrails and boundaries.
'There's also the pressure of kids feeling like they need to reply right away to their partner and if they wait two minutes, is that going to cause a problem? These kids are kind of holding onto their significant others for almost 24 hours a day unless they have boundaries around their cell phone and set that expectation of 'Hey, between 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. I'm not on my phone, so please don't look for me to get right back to you.' You know, there's the whole following of (phone) locations that can be great in some moments but can be really problematic pretty quickly in other moments. It's having the conversation of, 'Hey tonight I know you want to make sure I made it home I think you share my location tonight but tomorrow I'm going to turn it off, but thanks for your concern tonight,'' Myers said.
'These are topics you wouldn't have to think of years ago and now these kids have to contend with it is not easy. They don't want to hurt anyone's feelings and it's really flattering when somebody wants your attention all the time. So really, it's helping kids understand that that could also lead to an intensity and a possessiveness that becomes really unhealthy,' she added.
Dr. G. Duncan Harris, CEO of Capital Community College, is a member of Men Make a Difference Advocates for Healthy Relationships, an organization founded by Interval House and U.S. Sen. Richard Blumenthal in 2019. He said that while 72% percent of the school's students are female, and while domestic violence affects males and females, it disproportionately impacts women 'and many of our students have been impacted.'
'We have to keep informing the youth about this topic,' Harris said. 'We want to do our part in slowing down the shocking amount of domestic violence that is happening. Young men have mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts and friends that are impacted. We need to educate them on this topic as well.'