9 Signs Your Adult Child Tolerates You But Doesn't Love You, Psychologists Warn

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9 Signs Your Adult Child Tolerates You But Doesn't Love You, Psychologists Warn originally appeared on Parade.
Adult kids can drop clues like Easter Eggs. And sometimes, they reveal something far less sweet than a Jelly Bean or a chocolate bunny. It's safe to say that realizing your tolerates you, but , is one of these instances. However, psychologists stress it's important to pick up on and take the hint."Understanding the subtle messages your adult child may be sending can help you build a more honest and connected relationship," shares Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "Adult children might not always feel comfortable saying exactly how they feel, especially if past conversations have been tense or emotional."Dr. Lira de la Rosa says adult kids can feel this way about their parents for many reasons, including a history of hurt, misunderstandings and unrealistic expectations. Awareness is the first step to repair. Psychologists share signs your adult child doesn't love you, and tips for righting the (relation)ship.Related:
9 Signs Your Adult Child Doesn't Love You, Psychologists Reveal
1. Limited contact occurs like clockwork
Dr. Stefanie Mazer, Psy.D, a Florida-based psychologist, notes that you may only hear from your adult child at predictable intervals, such as holidays, birthdays or significant life events."It can be a sign they're maintaining the relationship out of duty, not connection," she shares. "The absence of casual, everyday communication shows they aren't seeking closeness or comfort from you."The tone of this communication can also provide hints that your adult child considers contacting you an item on their to-do list."They might return calls or send texts, but there's a lack of warmth or real interest in the conversation," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "It feels like they are checking a box rather than reaching out because they want to connect."
2. Visits feel rushed and brief
When your adult child does come to see you, you may feel like their eyes are always on the clock. "If they never linger, always have a reason to cut it short or seem visibly relieved when it's over, they may be trying to manage discomfort rather than enjoy time with you," Dr. Mazer says.
3. The relationship feels transactional
Interactions with your adult child may be emotionally disconnected and one-sided, making your time together feel like a trip to the supermarket."The adult child's contact may be mostly or wholly transactional in nature," says Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. "They may only speak to the parent when they want or need something."
4. Life updates are sparse
Sometimes, an adult child may only contact you with life updates. Other times, getting news about moving, career shifts and family changes out of them involves pulling teeth—or at least a direct ask."When people feel emotionally connected, they offer up parts of their life naturally," Dr. Mazer explains. "If you're always the one reaching out, and even then they keep the details limited, that's telling."
5. Exclusion from life changes
Even if a parent does learn of a big life change, Dr. Miller says that they may not be invited to share in it. "The parent may not be invited to join key events or play roles typical of parents, such as walking a child down the aisle during their wedding or being notified of the birth of a grandchild," she explains.Related:
6. They rarely ask you for advice or emotional support
Ideally, parents act as a secure base and a person to turn to in good times or bad. However, Dr. Mazer reports that adult kids don't feel this way about parents they're tolerating rather than loving. "When someone doesn't turn to you in moments of need, it's usually because they don't see you as a safe or comforting presence, even if they keep up appearances," Dr. Mazer says.
7. You get 'I'm annoyed with you' vibes
If you feel like talking to your child involves walking on eggshells, it may be a sign that they're not returning your unconditional love."The adult child can seem irritated or annoyed by the parent," Dr. Miller says. "This will likely be frequent and without provocation."
8. They rarely show physical affection
While not everyone considers touch as their love language, a complete lack of physical affection is a flag that there's an emotional distance between a parent and adult child."No hugs, no casual touches, no warmth in body language can speak volumes," Dr. Mazer says. "Affection isn't just habit; it's usually a reflection of comfort and emotional closeness and the absence of it often means they're keeping emotional distance."
9. Refuse efforts to reconnect or rebuild
Your adult child may be keen to keep you at arm's length if the love is lost."They may continue to engage in limited ways without making any efforts to deepen or strengthen the relationship," Dr. Miller says.These boundaries often serve as a shield for their emotional well-being.Related:
How to Heal Relationships With Adult Children
1. Listen without getting defensive
This one won't be easy, but Dr. Lira de la Rosa stresses it's important to do the hard thing."It is important to create space for them to share their perspective," he shares. "Instead of trying to correct their memory or explain your intentions, focus on understanding how they experienced things."
2. Own up to things when you can
Dr. Lira de la Rosa emphasizes it's important to take responsibility when possible. "Even if you did your best at the time, acknowledging that something may have hurt your child is powerful," he says. "A sincere apology—one that focuses on their feelings rather than your own guilt—can go a long way."
3. Let them set the pace of communication
It's understandable to want to fast-forward to the happy ending. However, healing takes time."It's tempting to try to fix things quickly, especially when guilt is driving you," Dr. Mazer notes. "However, pressure—even when it comes from good intentions—can feel suffocating to someone who's still sorting out their emotions."Instead, she advises parents to give their adult children space to choose when and how to talk because it signals that their comfort matters."It also shows you respect their autonomy, something adult children often need to feel before they can re-engage," she says. "Healing isn't always about doing more. It's about doing what's needed, even if that's waiting. Letting them lead tells them you're ready to show up differently than before."Up Next:Sources:
Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Stefanie Mazer, Psy.D, a Florida-based psychologist
Dr. Jan Miller, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
9 Signs Your Adult Child Tolerates You But Doesn't Love You, Psychologists Warn first appeared on Parade on Aug 6, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Aug 6, 2025, where it first appeared.