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My Brother and I Haven't Spoken in 4 Years. Can We Reconcile?

New York Times

an hour ago

New York Times

My Brother and I Haven't Spoken in 4 Years. Can We Reconcile?

My brother and I haven't talked for four years over a dispute about a family property. Our parents were looking to downsize from our family farm. I offered to buy the farm, but the price was beyond my budget. So I asked them to give me the undeveloped smaller portion of the farm instead, and proposed that this would be considered my version of my brother's having previously received financial support with his own down payment at roughly the same value. When I told my brother about this, he became angry that I had done an 'accounting' of the support that we have each received. We both said things in the exchange that were not nice. I attribute some of my not-so-nice words to unconscious resentment that my brother and I used to talk about how we would do our best to keep the farm in the family, and when the moment came to do something, he didn't. I think about our argument frequently, but my brother seems to have written off the relationship entirely. Even when I have implored him that our parents are in the last years of their lives, our kids are growing up without uncles, aunts or cousins, and we ourselves will get old and die, he doesn't show any willingness to reconcile. He even rejects that we tolerate each other in the name of our parents and children having the opportunity to be together. I don't even fully understand how our once-strong relationship ruptured so traumatically in the first place, given that it seems like a fairly normal inheritance dispute, which makes me think that the relationship wasn't as strong as I had thought. Is there anything I can do to heal this rupture? From the Therapist: You're carrying a great loss — not only of the relationship with your brother, but also of a future in which your family remained cohesive, the farm stayed in the family, and your children grew up with a sense of connection across generations. I don't know if your brother will be willing to reconnect, but you can make it more possible by changing your approach. Want all of The Times? Subscribe.