Windfall could keep loved one alive, but at what cost?
Advertisement
On the one hand, my wife always says, 'it's just money' and we sometimes spend (her) money to help family and friends in need, either by flying there to help or paying off debts, etc. On the other hand, my brother lived the life he chose and is reaping what he sowed.
Get Love Letters: The Newsletter
A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more.
Enter Email
Sign Up
Is it OK if I actually let him die rather than use my own kids' future security? It seems so wrong. Maybe my kids will be OK and learn to navigate the world without our extra money, while we know for sure my brother will die. And how will I feel with the money knowing I don't have my brother?
TORN APART
A.
While this surely feels like a moral dilemma worthy of King Solomon's arbitration, I think you should actually consult a financial adviser. You have an immediate expense and a long-term expense, so there's likely ways to manage your money in service of both.
An adviser will have experience talking through goals and desires and helping people to make the best plan.
Even without the windfall, making a financial management plan for your children that takes into account the challenges they face is a good idea.
You should also talk to your brother. It sounds like you're taking on the responsibility of keeping him alive — or, really, deciding if he should live. That's too great a burden and I fear it's causing you more pain. This may be grief's way of showing up. That's understandable, but money — no matter what you choose to do with it — won't fix it.
Advertisement
Talk to him about what's happening in his life, what he wants, and how you both can be there for each other as he faces this stage.
Q.
I have a girlfriend who helps me by driving me to out-of-town doctor appointments. I'm old enough to be her mother. She is disabled and on a small income. I'm blessed with a healthy retirement income.
I have gifted her several items. Recently, I got her a TV for her bedroom. A week passed and I asked what she did with the smaller one I gave her. She said, 'Oh, I sold it for 30 bucks.' I was floored. I paid $200 for it.
Now I want to say to her that my gift-giving days are over.
I also gave her a set of stainless silverware that I've never seen her use. I'm so mad. Why didn't she offer it back to me?
Should I say something?
HURT FRIEND
A.
I know your heart was in the right place, but it seems your friend needed $30 more than she needed a new television.
When giving gifts, we don't get to dictate how they're used. Indeed, the hope of the gift-giver is that they haven't somehow misunderstood and given a gift that the recipient doesn't have use for.
Petulantly withholding future gifts reflects poorly on you. Especially considering she gives of her time and resources by helping you with rides.
Advertisement
Instead, try telling her that you had hoped the TV would make her happier, but you understand. Ask if, in the future — say for birthdays or holidays — a gift card or cash would go further.
Q.
Regarding the letter from the remarried couple with the dilemma of what to do with their remains when they die and how to honor their late spouses at the same time ('Thinking Ahead'), I have an easy solution.
Like them, my name is on my late husband's stone, and I will be buried there but I would also like to be buried with my parents in another state. Consequently, I will be cremated and have my ashes split and buried in both graves.
TWO RESTING PLACES
A.
Cremation or aquamation (also known as biocremation or alkaline hydrolysis, a water-based process that breaks the body down similar to cremation but without burning) are great options if they match the couple's desires for their bodies after death.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
.
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
Boston Globe
07-05-2025
- Boston Globe
Parents ashamed of children who won't ‘adult'
Advertisement How on earth are they all going to be able to manage? We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing, taxes, managing finances, adverse to chores, etc., and refuse to learn. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can't connect on anything serious or important.) We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are?How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate (and responsible) despite being older? Two are working at menial jobs, one will be limited in his job prospects, and one is not working at all. Advertisement It's painful to spend time with them because we don't have any interests or values in common, and they are completely uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject. We are grieving and ashamed of our children; their former schoolmates are growing and thriving. Are we asking too much or too little? DISAPPOINTED PARENT A. Persuasion time is over; it's time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending. Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids. Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds. And then think through what you really need to feel comfortable leaving them money. It may be finishing school, but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children's lives and abilities. You're experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wanted for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have. Some of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment. Your children are responsible for their actions (or inactions) but they're not responsible for your resentment. Try to free yourself from some of this by speaking to a counselor about what's going on. A family therapist will also be helpful. Additionally, consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, if you don't already go. Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships. Talking to others about what you're feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids' lives from what you must learn to accept. Q. I could relate to 'Loving but Frustrated Daughter,' whose 92-year-old mother lived alone in a remote area and wanted to talk on the phone regularly but didn't have much to say. Advertisement After some ideas that did not work with my own parents, I signed up for newsfeeds local to them. We could talk about what was happening in their world and it often generated memories of stories I had not heard. It also helped plan activities for my visits. LOCAL CONVERSATION A. What a creative solution. And I particularly like that it supports local journalism, an extremely important resource. Q. I have a suggestion for the mother who was so devastated at losing her daughter that she could not write thank-you notes to all those who helped her ('Still In Grief'): Enlist a friend or relative to write them for her. They can write something like, 'Julia wishes you to know that she could not have made it through that terrible time without your help and support' or 'Julia wants to thank you for attending Anna's funeral,' etc. It's quite understandable that writing those letters brings back such dreadful memories that the mother feels paralyzed. If she wants, the letters can include an acknowledgment of how much time has passed. BEEN THERE A. I really like this suggestion. When we're grieving, people's offer to help in any way can be kind but overwhelming. A task like this is not only meaningful but manageable and makes a big difference. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Boston Globe
17-03-2025
- Boston Globe
Brother-in-law gets aggressive about inheritance split
My brother-in-law is still being very aggressive that I need to gift my inheritance to my sisters and not share my inheritance with my adult children. Neither my sisters nor I agree with this. We, including my husband, are all disgusted by this aggressive repeated request from my brother-in-law. Advertisement My sisters made different career and financial decisions than my husband and me. They are not concerned that my husband and I have a much more comfortable retirement than they do. However, it really makes my brother-in-law angry. I have repeatedly told him to stop asking and refuse to discuss it. But he keeps bringing it up, as if he has a right to dictate how my sisters and I split our brother's estate. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up I do not want to cut ties with my older sister. As she usually does with disagreements with her husband, she has given up on telling him to drop it. If he knows we are talking, he butts into our conversation or takes her phone away to make his demand again. I do not want to drop contact with my older sister, but I need this discussion to stop. How can I set boundaries that he will recognize without losing my relationship with my sister? FRUSTRATED SISTER-IN-LAW A. The utter gall of this man! He doesn't have a penny in this nickel, and yet here he is repeatedly adding his two cents. You've already discussed this at length with your sisters and, presumably, worked with an attorney. The estate is settled, so essentially what he's doing right now is trying to bully you into writing him a personal check for a couple hundred thousand dollars. I do not think so. Advertisement Bullying is not an acceptable form of familial communication. Unfortunately, he's made it clear that he is not interested in respecting the agreement that you've made or the line you've drawn. You may even need to formally cut off contact with him and talk to your sister about how you two can maintain your relationship away from him. This puts a burden on your sister that's not totally fair, but that, too, is her husband's doing. You wouldn't be asking her to choose between the two of you. Ask her what you both can do to maintain your bond. Ask her to work on her side to make this easier, whether that means deciding that she'll keep him away from the phone when you're talking or having a harder, stricter set of consequences with him. Though she's not responsible for his bad behavior, she has more leverage than you. But you would probably do best not to spend another moment trying to reason with him. Q. I've been mentoring a young lady since she was in middle school. She's in her early 30s now. She came from a very difficult background but has always had great tenacity and a circle of mentors who have encouraged her along the way. She's doing incredibly well, has graduated from college, has a good job and a car. She was always overweight, but it's getting worse. She looks to weigh somewhere between 500 and 600 pounds now. I feel I need to help her navigate a weight loss strategy, but I don't know how to bring it up. I've never talked to her about it. Advertisement She has good health insurance and access to mental health services and has received counseling in the past, which has helped her deal with childhood traumas. I know her counselor. What should I say/do? WORRIED MENTOR A. I don't think you should say anything right now. What you can do is continue to be the resource and sounding board that you have been for her. Continue to check in about her mental well-being; continue to encourage her in her professional and personal pursuits. And, where appropriate, continue to guide her to services that will help her to process her traumas and to make changes. Up until now, your mentorship hasn't crossed over into the realm of physical fitness, so I'm not sure an intervention of this sort from you will be well-received or as effective as simply having someone in her corner whom she trusts and who can help her make the best choices. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Boston Globe
12-03-2025
- Boston Globe
When owning a Tesla means always having to say you're sorry.
At times, Segall said, she's felt almost desperate to sell the car. But the dealer offered her so little for it — a 2023 Model 3, in excellent condition — that she has decided to try and sell it herself on Facebook Marketplace, albeit at a loss. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up 'I'm willing to lose $5,000 for emotional betterment,' Segall said, noting that while she awaits a buyer, she's reduced to taking the only action she can — adding ever more anti-Musk magnets. Advertisement Alas, she may need a bigger bumper. On Tuesday, Trump trolled 'Radical Left Lunatics' by In this upside down world — in which Trump supporters who used to harass Tesla drivers for caring about the climate are now the ones who support them — it's hard to say where things will go. One thing's for sure: Some Tesla owners willing to sell at a loss are wealthy enough that they won't feel a thing. But for others, the loss hits hard, but feels better than the alternative. In February, Kelley Blue Book reported that Tesla sales were falling globally. Locally, Advertisement Tesla superchargers on fire in Littleton. Fire Chief Steele McCurdy/Littleton Fire Department In Littleton, in early March, In Plymouth, Sandy Markowitz, a retiree who, to her chagrin, has two Teslas she can't find buyers for, has been on an apology tour. On a recent call, she felt compelled to make the case for herself: she volunteers, she said, has run marathons for charity, and started a book club. But even so, there was her long-ago college roommate on the phone the other day, revealing that she's angry with Markowitz for owning Teslas. 'You work for big pharma,' Markowitz thought to herself when they got off, 'but I'm not mad at you.' But by their very nature, cars are public. And that means virtue-signaling is part of the game, said local psychologist and executive coach 'I'll give you an example,' he said. 'I know a couple of families who fly private jets — which have a huge carbon footprint — but both families drive Teslas and they act as though they are very environmentally conscious. They show off their left-wing credentials.' But now, of course, having the Tesla 'makes them look bad,' he said, estimating that the wealthy, who paid handsomely for Teslas to begin with, are now willing to take a financial hit to maintain their progressive reputations. Advertisement 'This kind of virtue-signaling is only available to the rich,' he said. But in red states, virtue-signaling — signaling MAGA virtues, that is — is becoming more affordable. Charlie Karyanis, president of City Motor Group, a Cambridge firm that buys and sells used and new cars, said that the local market for used Teslas is so weak that he's buying them here and shipping them to dealers in the South or Midwest. A Tesla with a bumper sticker in Concord in December. Peter Morgan/Associated Press That means someone who is willing to overlook Musk's alleged atrocities — or conversely, likes what he is doing — can pick up a bargain. For example, Karyanis said, he recently sold a 2022 Tesla Model Y with 26,000 miles to a dealer in Fort Lauderdale for $27,400. Before Musk's reputational dive, he said, that car would have gone for nearly $40,000. 'There is a lot of opportunity there for someone who wants a pretty sophisticated car,' Karyanis said. People selling locally, of course, don't want to act like they're dumping a toxic asset. So when Scott Oran, a housing developer from Newton, listed his 2018 Model 3 on Craigslist, he played up a different angle — at his wife's suggestion: 'My wife says sell!' his post read. 'My loss, your gain.' He initially listed the car at $24,900. Then, after two weeks with no offers, he lowered the asking price to $20,900, and eventually, after being told that there was no local market for used Teslas, making it hard to sell to an individual on Craigslist, he sold it to a national used car dealer for $18,000. Like Sheryl Crow, who in February posted footage of her Advertisement In liberal circles, Tesla shame can run so deep that Tesla drivers look down on other Tesla drivers. That includes Karen Kaufman of West Roxbury, a retired social worker who drives a 2020 Tesla she'd love to sell, but she prefers not to take the monetary hit. 'When I see those Cybertrucks, that for me is a symbol of a real Trumper,' she said, judging herself for her own judgment. 'I know that's not fair.' Beth Teitell can be reached at
