The awkward hell that is the holiday pool – and how to survive them

Telegraph

12 hours ago

Call me a summer grinch, but I despise communal pools. I fail to adapt, as other humans seem capable of, to the bizarre parallel universe in which it's socially acceptable to plod around in what are essentially your underpants just because you're occupying the perimeter of a cube of chlorinated water.
In what other situation does one casually bend over in their knickers, mere feet from a stranger, to pick up a book? None. And assuming you're fine with that, why does it become weird even to cross the threshold from the hotel pool area to the adjoining restaurant without covering up and donning shoes? This makes no sense.
But I digress. It is summer, and now that I am a mother, I must tolerate pools. Gone are the days when I would simply avoid them (except for very expensive, scrupulously clean, adults-only ones). I'm back in the deep end, thrust among all the aspects that made me eschew them for much of my adult life.
It would all be more manageable, as far as I'm concerned, if certain rules were adhered to. So allow me to propose an etiquette guide to the modern-day survival of holiday pools.
Starting with the key issue of…
Nudity
As I have already touched upon, loitering around in public with your privates shrink-wrapped in flimsy fabric and the rest of your flesh on show is inherently awkward and weird.
That said, it is not (nor should it be) illegal in Western society to be mostly nude in a public swimming scenario, and to take offence to those who show even more skin than others (donners of thong bikinis and budgie smugglers – or even topless sunbathers) is prudish and pathetic. Anything goes when it comes to minimal attire.
Ogling
The same goes for people who get overly pearl-clutchy about being checked out by the pool. If nobody is wearing clothes, what do you expect? This goes for both men and women.
Body positivity activists will lie and say 'no-one is looking at you on the beach' or 'no-one cares what you look like in a bikini'. What rubbish. Everybody looks and everybody judges; it's not a massive deal so let's move on. Obviously the line is crossed when ogling turns to harassment but most of us are grown-up enough to know the difference.
Screaming children
Arguably the most unpleasant variable when it comes to public swimming. Little ones are loud, destructive, unpredictable and splashy – and I say this as the mother of a toddler. Wherever possible, they should be siphoned off into their own dedicated pools so as to concentrate the misery away from non-families (kid-only sections on planes are another great idea).
In smaller hotels, it really is the parents' responsibility to limit the chaos wrought by their children, or – if they're unwilling to do that – opt for self-catering accommodation that comes with a private pool. Side note: I put those who perform butterfly stroke at public pools in the same category as infants – noisy, splashy show-offs whose antics should be curbed.
Sun-lounger nabbing
The practice of rising early to colonise your preferred sunbed or row of sunbeds, by way of laying towels, then swanning off for breakfast and leaving them vacant, is totally unacceptable. And Britons are as guilty as anyone. Some years ago, German tabloid Bild monitored towel-laying activities at a Costa Brava hotel, and concluded that 'the English are the worst lounger squatters'.
A recent YouGov survey (do they not have better research to be doing?) found that, among Britons, those living in the West Midlands were most guilty of the habit. Regardless, those who partake are a stain on humanity and if it were my resort and my rules, any towel left unattended on a sunbed around a high-traffic pool for longer than 30 minutes would be swiftly removed.
Peeing in the pool
I'm likely going to find myself in the minority here, but I think it's fine to pee in a swimming pool. And I suspect, much like farting on planes, more people do it that are willing to admit.
Let's do the maths here. The average human urination amounts to 400ml. A standard public pool carries between 500,000 and 1,000,000 litres of water. That's a 1:1,000,000 dilution per pee. Considering most pools are circulated and filtered and that chlorine neutralises key components, you've got yourself a non-issue.
PDA
Public displays of affection. By which I mean poolside snogging and aquatic fondling. Again, I'm not saying this should be flat-out illegal, but it really is gross to behold for nearly everyone around and thus unnecessarily selfish.
There are plenty of platforms on which to watch other people get jiggy, if that floats your lilo, but a poolside full of minors and married couples who have lost their spark is not the place to flaunt your honeymoon phase.