Dry humour isn't funny

Mail & Guardian

16 hours ago

Dribs and drabs: Suburbs in the east of Joburg have spent eight days and counting without water. Photo: Delwyn Verasamy
It is early on Monday morning and I wake to the sound of a rumble of thunder and a flash of lightning. This is followed by the unmistakable sound of raindrops on the roof. The promised cold front has arrived.
Ignoring the icy cold I leap out of bed and rush outside barefoot to check that my primitive water collection system is in place.
The old plastic rubbish bin and the vintage zinc bathtub have to be positioned correctly to catch the maximum amount of water running down from my leaking gutters. The reason for this frantic early morning activity is that our suburb is one of the many that have been affected by the ongoing water crisis.
The east of Joburg has been particularly badly hit recently and I have not had water for at least eight days since the one day where there was a weak trickle from the taps. Before that there was no water for three or four days at a time and when there was water it was switched off at night in what Joburg Water terms 'throttling'.
This violent-sounding nocturnal activity is to allow our much-abused reservoir to recover and fill to a level where at least some areas can get some water the next day.
The result of this situation is that my vast collection of five-litre plastic bottles that I spent the summer months filling with rainwater has been depleted and flushing the toilet is becoming a problem. An attack by a nasty stomach bug that required multiple toilet flushings didn't help.
So the unseasonal rainfall was perfectly timed but unfortunately it didn't last long and a pathetic amount of water was collected. Disconsolately I go back inside and check that there is enough water in the kettle for a cup of coffee, making sure to divert my eyes from the counter piled high with dirty dishes, pots, cutlery, glasses and mugs.
To do the washing-up requires a visit to a friend's house to collect multiple bottles of water. Back home I must heat up water in the kettle and in pots on the stove to clear the unsavoury mess in the kitchen.
Grudgingly I fill the dogs' water bowl while delivering a stern lecture on their reckless water consumption. I pour a small glass of water to wash down my blood pressure pills and make sure there is enough left to rinse after brushing my teeth.
It is time for the first news diary meeting of the week and once again I tell my colleagues how lucky they are that this is a remote meeting and none of them have to be confined in a small office space with me. A daily shower in the morning is a distant memory so personal hygiene standards have dropped.
There is a discussion about how the water crisis is a major story and we have to cover it. But we have done this so many times before that the problem is how to present it in a different way that will make people want to read it.
There is no easy solution to this problem so I return to the kitchen in the hope that there is enough water in the kettle for a second cup of coffee. Like a moth to a flame I check on the Water Crisis: Time for Action WhatsApp group.
There are 109 new messages, mostly from people saying that there is still no water in their street. There is a map with a growing red line marking the areas that don't have water. There are messages filled with angry words in capital letters. There are plans to hold protests and to visit the offices of those responsible for this shocking lack of basic services.
There are many posts about the whereabouts of the elusive water tankers, and many pictures of people filling up containers. The unusual sight of people pushing wheelbarrows filled with plastic bottles down the tree-lined suburban streets has become a familiar one. And there are alarming stories about how air being pushed through the pipes keeps your meter ticking over even though there is no water.
In among all this I come across an official statement: 'Today, MMC Jack Sekwaila conducted a site inspection at the Alexandra Park Reservoir with Johannesburg water officials, including Ops GM Mzakhwe Mtshweni. The visit formed part of the city's efforts to accelerate water recovery in affected areas and assess the condition of critical pipeline infrastructure. During the inspection, severe blockages were discovered — caused by illegal dumping, vandalism, and misuse of underground systems. In a concerning development, some underground chambers are being accessed and used as shelter by unhoused individuals, highlighting a deeper human and infrastructure crisis.'
In desperate need of distraction I page through a cookery book looking for a new one-pot recipe to make for supper. Perhaps a hearty minestrone soup that the family can spoon from the communal pot.
I need to shop for ingredients and the trip to the supermarket takes me down one of the main streets of the suburb. For more than a month it has been reduced to one lane by a series of large craters, the result of ongoing work to repair several sewage pipe leaks. It is not surprising to see nasty grey-green water bubbling up from a new hole in the road.
The good news is that I have a gas stove to cook the meal on because there is another fault at the local substation and the power is out. At this stage it is like water off a duck's back.