Humor: The 5 levels of kid summer awesomeness
School's out!! Nearly three months of no classes, no homework, and no reason that failure to repeatedly get up in the morning will result in truancy charges and a possible civil court appearance for parents.
Woo-hoo!
The world is every kid's oyster. Or at least like a real-life video game until Labor Day.
Level 1: Freedom!
The summer game's default mode and the first level played by any kid or teen when school gets out.
Master this level by:
Opening the refrigerator at least 17 times a day for any reason at all
Having a sleepover, but not sleeping
Offering, or attempting, to wrestle someone or braid their hair
Maximizing screen time use on all available devices
Obstacles to avoid:
Invitations to go to the library or a bookstore, which may result in accidental possession of books or, worse, math workbooks
Mentioning the word 'bored,' which may result in the assignment of chores
Level 2: Camp Adventures
Getting up and leaving the house before 9 a.m. looks a lot like going to school, but don't be fooled! Instead of teachers, on this level, teenage counselors impart questionable wisdom and introduce new vocabulary instead.
Master this level by:
Coming home covered in mud, tempura paint, glitter, and/or soaking wet
Surviving an itchy bug bite, a splinter, and/or an encounter with a tick
Burning a marshmallow to a blackened crisp, but still eating it
Alternatively, simply by attending a week or more of sleepaway camp
Obstacles to avoid:
Spraying bug spray or sunscreen in their mouth (Yuck!!)
Learning the hard way what poison ivy looks like (Ouch!!)
BONUS: Pick up an Honorary Theological Degree Badge by attending a free local Vacation Bible School. Comes with a t-shirt and rubber wristband saying God loves annoying people too.
Level 3: Possibly Feral
This level is often reached after aging out of summer camp but before legal employability.
Master this level by:
Successfully chasing an ice cream truck in time to buy a treat with sweat-drenched dollars
Spying on unsuspecting neighbors or trying to build a treehouse out of particle board found in their garbage
Drinking from the hose and/or eating only popsicles for lunch
Rinsing off with water from a creek, pond, ocean, lake, fireplug, sprinkler, or swimming pool for an entire week instead of showering
Obstacles to avoid:
Petty theft, even if it's an item badly needed
Trying to start a fire, even if it's really, really tempting
BONUS: Pick up an Arts & Crafts Badge by making string bracelets with embroidery thread, tie-dying a shirt, constructing something out of popsicle sticks, or painting rocks.
Level 4*: Retro Vision
This secret summer level can only be accessed by getting a perfect score on Level 3, staying home all week while parents go on vacation, or teleporting to the 20th Century.
Master this level by:
Carrying a watermelon to gain access to a party
Getting life advice from a Chevy Chase look-alike while working as a caddy
Falling in love with the girl or boy who just moved in next door
Helping solve a crime or uncovering a conspiracy while becoming friends with a septuagenarian
Obstacles to avoid:
Swimming somewhere posted 'no swimming' if the sign is there for a good reason
Getting caught trespassing at a shuttered and/or condemned former factory/electrical plant now housing a booming underground illegal business
Level 5: Vampire
It takes many years of summer practice to make it here! The obstacles to achievement require stamina, an allergy to adult opinion, and a seriously disrupted circadian rhythm.
Master this level by:
Sleeping more than 15 hours straight and/or going an entire day without seeing the sun or sky
Doordashing a Frappuccino (just a Frappuccino) for $15.27
Complaining about having a full-time job while working fewer than 15 hours a week
Somehow getting incredibly sunburned
Obstacles to avoid:
Being in the room any time a parent or other adult mentions the words 'college applications'
Getting caught doing the 'reverse Jesus' in the liquor cabinet with a bottle of vodkaBut it will always be remembered fondly!
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