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Yahoo
a minute ago
- Yahoo
The meaning — and myths — behind 'mankeeping'
The Stanford researcher who helped coin the hot-button term says "mankeeping" is about more than bad partners. Since the term "mankeeping' was introduced in a 2024 research paper by Stanford University sociologist Angelica Ferrara, it has landed squarely in the 2025 zeitgeist. Referring to the emotional labor that women often do for their male partners, the concept has since polarized the sexes, sparked TikTok debates and inspired comment-section screeds. Think: wives who are their husbands' best friends, romantic partners and therapists. After learning about mankeeping from social media or buzzy articles, many women have felt seen, vindicated — finally, a word to describe the hard-to-quantify exhaustion of being in a heterosexual relationship! Many men, on the other hand, felt that they were being unfairly accused of over-burdening their female counterparts — or that normal relationship behavior was being vilified (comments sections offer evidence). For academics like Ferrara and her research assistant, Dylan Vergara, it's a big deal for their study to become part of the cultural conversation. But alongside the hype come myths and misunderstandings. We examined the comments from men (and women) and spoke to Vergara, a 21-year-old (male) Stanford student getting his bachelor's in political science and his master's in sociology, simultaneously, about the meaning of mankeeping. The meaning Mankeeping, as Vergara and his mentor defined it, is an outgrowth of a much older term in sociology: kinkeeping. That term was coined in 1985 by Carolyn Rosenthal, whose research showed that women were far more likely to do the largely 'invisible' labor of household chores, child care and simply keeping the family together and in touch with one another. It's a familiar phenomenon that hasn't gone away and, some research suggests, only intensified with COVID and remote work. Mankeeping is the work of the same nature that women do, but in support specifically of their husbands or male partners, rather than the whole family. Specifically, it's about the way that men '[rely] on women as their predominant source of emotional support, creating undue labor on the part of women,' Vergara tells Yahoo. He and Ferrara have interviewed nearly 100 men from around the world, 'and we see that men far and wide, when naming their top five sources of social and emotional support, label their wives, girlfriends or partners as their number one,' he says. And perhaps more importantly, 'a lot of times men don't even have a top five,' he adds. So instead of having that one friend you call about your romantic woes, that other you text whenever your boss is being difficult and a sibling you vent about your parents to, for many straight men, those people are all the same person: their female partner. 'There often comes an inflection point when I'm interviewing a man when they realize, 'Oh, wait, this is a lot'' that they're asking their female partners to do, says Vergara. Myth #1: Mankeeping is just describing a normal relationship It's a sentiment Vergara reports that he hears repeated frequently. 'We are not saying you shouldn't go to your partner for emotional support. Of course you should,' he says. Instead, the problem of mankeeping arises when men only talk vulnerably with their female partners. 'Because men just tend not to have as many people they can go to for support, it's creating a burden on the women in their lives, specifically,' says Vergara. 'Obviously, communication is key to a healthy relationship. But it's also important to ensure that you're not creating some extra labor on the part of the woman.' And it's not just the mankeeping paper that indicates it's good to have multiple people you can talk to — or that men tend to go to their partner for support first. The Survey Center on American Life found that 85% of married men go to their spouse for personal support before talking to any friends or relatives, compared to 72% of married women. And while emotional connection and sharing are part of good relationships, research suggests that at a certain point emotional labor can exhaust people and put them at greater risk of mental and physical health problems. Conversely, people with more close friends are less at risk for depression, multiple diseases and death, from any cause. In other words, there's evidence to suggest that more friends would be good for men, and distributing the emotional support would be good for their female counterparts. Myth #2: Mankeeping is the result of personal failings It's easy to blame the individual men for leaning too heavily on their female partners, but the researchers think the root cause of mankeeping lies beyond their control. 'We too often view isolation as something that's an individual's fault,' says Vergara. 'But it's more of a structural issue.' Mankeeping, he and Ferrara argue, is a result of the much-talked-about male loneliness epidemic. Vergara points out that there used to be many men-only social spaces: barbershops, men's clubs, pubs, fraternities. 'Although we don't endorse patriarchal structures that exclude women, the degradation of those places has had a key detrimental effect on men's ability to seek out friendships with other men,' he says. What was once a bustling social infrastructure for men's friendships has all but disappeared. 'That's led to this female curation of male social and emotional well-being,' says Vergara. The point then is that men's loneliness isn't simply an isolated failing of each guy, nor even of the male species as a whole. Ferrara and Vergara's research — which started by tracing male friendship and social habits throughout history — suggests that it 'affects women and the entire infrastructure of men and women together,' says Vergara. And, other scholars have argued, while women certainly can (and arguably should) care about men's loneliness problem, that doesn't mean they are responsible for fixing it. Myth #3: Men who respect women never mankeep Vergara is a student of feminist literature (among other things), and describes himself as 'very fortunate' to have grown up with parents who each have their own close social circles. Though he did feel lonely when he first arrived at Stanford, Vergara considers himself highly social and has a robust circle of friends. But after he and his mentor published their paper, one of Vergara's male friends called him out: 'He said, 'You also do mankeeping!'' recalls Vergara. The friend pointed out that Vergara told details of his life to a female friend he'd only known for six months that he'd never shared with him, a friend of several years. 'I was relying on my female friend to be that emotional support. I was being that guy,' says Vergara. The moment inspired Vergara to try to treat both his male and female friends better, by opening up more to the men in his life, and burdening the women less. How does he burden the women less? How does any man do it? There isn't a terribly specific prescription yet (though there are men's retreats, and lots of online support groups to sift through). But Vergara, personally, is trying to build a strong foundation. 'I'm trying to just watch myself for moments when I might be guilty of mankeeping,' he says. 'But the deeper strategy is to formulate and maintain close bonds with people other than your partner.' Vergara doesn't have a partner, but he's building the friend sector steadily and practicing being the first one to reach out to male friends in particular. 'I think that goes a long way to ensuring you have multiple pathways for emotional support, so you're not burdening one specific person. I think that's my path forward,' he says. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
a minute ago
- Yahoo
The Fascinating Reason Women Use Their ‘HR Voice' To Reject You
When a date doesn't go well, men will often accuse women of adopting an 'HR voice' — the polite, corporate way some women will text when they are done with dating you. Suddenly, a flirtatious text thread starts sounding like a meeting with human resources. And although men go to social media to joke and complain about this formal shift, the women who do or encourage this say it's the kinder response. 'I'm the queen of a polite termination text,' said Emily Durham, a Toronto-based career coach and former recruiter who uses HR-speak when rejecting men she's gone on a few dates with. 'In times of stress, I default to speaking like I'm someone's human resources manager, and that's just how I am.' What she does might sound similar to anyone who's had to hear hard news during a performance review. 'I'll use the sandwich method, which is [to] thank them for their time, compliment a character trait that I genuinely enjoy about them. Tell them it doesn't feel like the right connection for me right now,' she recalled. 'If it feels warranted to deliver feedback, for example, like because ... we work opposite hours or something like that, feel free to pop it in. ... And then like, 'Wishing you all the best.'' Why 'HR voice' can actually be a kinder, safer way to reject someone you've dated. Durham defends the 'HR voice' for women and anyone who is queer or trans who are more likely to experience violence while dating. 'In the beginning of dating, you use this HR-speak to mitigate risk. You don't really know who you're dealing with yet, but you still want to balance being respectful,' she said. Sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, author of 'This Is Supposed to Be Fun,' agreed with this use of HR voice, noting, 'If you expect that the person you're breaking up with will have an outsized response or you know them to be toxic or abusive, HR voice can be the best way to get your point across while protecting yourself.' 'People use 'HR voice' to soften the blow of emotionally charged and difficult conversations like breakups,' Battle said. 'We know that it's not kind to say to someone, 'I just don't want to date you anymore.' So people fall back on language that feels more clinical and sterile and devoid of emotion.' There is no easy way to deliver the message that your connection, however short, has fizzled out, but an 'HR voice' text can at least firmly but gently let a person know it's over. 'It is coming from a place of having respect for the other person, like setting them free back into the dating universe,' Durham said. It may also be kinder to send this type of message because it focuses on how you feel and is not a reflection of who your date is. 'I think a lot of people lean on these HR-safe termination messages because it centers more how that connection feels for you versus who that person is,' Durham said. Dating and relationship coach Ali Jackson said she posts text templates of how to reject people and has been accused of perpetuating an 'HR voice.' When she has done it, her wording follows the script of ''Hey, I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but after thinking about it, I don't feel the romantic connection that I'm looking for. But I wish you all the best.' I sent that text countless times,' she said. When people have critiqued her scripts as robotic and generic, 'My response is always like, 'Feel free to make it your own,'' she said. 'For me, that type of text message is actually pretty authentic.' Of course, 'HR voice' is better-suited for early dating than long-term relationships. If a connection lasts beyond one or two dates, Durham said she will call to end things with someone. 'I do think it is context dependent,' Jackson said. 'If I was going to break up with my boyfriend right now, I certainly would not be sending him that text message.' If you have been dating for more than a couple of months, Jackson recommends doing a phone call, at the very least. That way, if you have been emotionally vulnerable with someone, the other person deserves a heartfelt message you cannot copy-paste. Accusations of 'HR voice' might be a gendered idea. Although women get called out for adopting an HR voice, they aren't the only people to default to corporate, generic responses when dealing with thorny emotions or rejection. 'I don't think that 'HR voice' is exclusive to women. I think that women tend to get their tone policed more than men, though,' Battle said. Rejection texts that sound like HR may sting, but it's better than ghosting when someone asks for a third date. Some form of acknowledgment is welcomed, regardless of who you are. 'I think if a woman gets that response, she is so happy that this man has communicated his feelings, even if it sucks. She's not policing his language,' Jackson said. 'I've received the same messages from men, and I've never been like, 'Oh, it's corporate speak.' I was like, 'Oh, this is a direct, clear, empathetic communicator,'' Durham said. 'But when I have shared my termination texts, I'll get DMs [direct messages] from people being like, 'Oh my God, you're so stuffy.' I'm like, 'Am I? Or am I just not sugarcoating?'' Telling someone you don't want to date them is hard, no matter how you phrase it, but corporate language at least signals you're trying to soften the blunt edge of rejection. 'Hope you find what you're looking for' and 'Wish you all the best' may sound copy-pasted, but they're also an appropriate way to end an early connection. When you get it, the message is clear: your contract has ended; you're being dismissed. 'I understand why people don't like it; at the same time, I'm not sure that you're ever going to like that text,' Jackson said. Related... Is This The Worst 1-Word Text Message You Can Possibly Send? These Jobs Will Get You More Matches On Dating Apps. But Should They? 8 Tips For Working Through A Hard, Sad Breakup Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
24 minutes ago
- Yahoo
Woman saw a ‘spiderweb' in an Arkansas park and decide to kick it. It was really a $27,000 diamond
A woman saw what she thought was a spiderweb in an Arkansas park and decided to kick it, discovering an estimated $27,000 diamond in the process. Micherre Fox of Manhattan wanted the perfect engagement ring. "There's something symbolic about being able to solve problems with money, but sometimes money runs out in a marriage,' she said in a recent news release from Arkansas State Parks. 'You need to be willing and able to solve those problems with hard work.' So, she decided to source the diamond for her engagement ring at the so-called world-famous Crater of Diamonds State Park. For three weeks, Fox searched tirelessly for her perfect diamond, and as luck would have it, she came across what she thought was a dew-covered spiderweb on her last day at the park. Fox kicked the 'web,' and when its shine remained, she realized it was a stone. "Having never seen an actual diamond in my hands, I didn't know for sure, but it was the most 'diamond-y diamond' I had seen,' she said. Staffers at the Diamond Discovery Center confirmed she found a white, or colorless, diamond. It weighed an impressive 2.3 carats, which is about the size of a human canine tooth, according to the news release. 'I got on my knees and cried, then started laughing,' Fox recalled. Diamond comparison site StoneAlgo said the average price of a 2.3-carat diamond is around $27,000. Fox named the gem, which is a tradition for stones found at the park, the Fox-Ballou Diamond, after her and her partner's last names. She plans to have the diamond set in her engagement ring, which her partner agreed to wait to give her until she accomplished her goal. The news release stated 366 diamonds were registered at the park in 2025. Just 11 of them weighed more than one carat each. In total, more than 75,000 diamonds have been found at the park since the first diamonds were discovered in 1906. Solve the daily Crossword
