Raising Race-Conscious Kids: Two Mamas Share Their Experience with Racism in Singapore
This is a two-part post in which two mamas share the experience they and their children had dealing with and talking about racism in Singapore. The first is an account from Singaporean mama Joline Lim reflecting on how she neglected to talk to her son about race. The second is from expat mama Imelda Bonnett, who moved from Australia to Singapore, and how she experienced the pain of seeing her 4-year-old daughter subjected to racist behaviour. Joline and Imelda are both admins for the Respectful/Mindful Parenting group affiliated with Chapter Zero Singapore, an invaluable online parenting resource (whose wisdom we very much appreciate here at Sassy Mama!). We encourage you to check out Chapter Zero's Facebook page for countless resources and infographics relating to the topics of children and race.
Below, Joline and Imelda share their personal recommendations on how parents can raise race-conscious kids. They have also created an invaluable parent toolkit with resources and information to help support your journey to dismantling racism with the next generation. Click here to read it and find a wealth of resources including podcasts, children's books, and in-person parent groups. We can all learn more, and we can all do better; this is a good place to start.
According to research, a baby's brain can notice race-based differences as early as six months old and can internalise racial bias by ages 2 to 4. By around age 12, children become set in their beliefs. With Singapore being a multi-racial society, it is important for children to start young when it comes to understanding diversity and inclusion, and recognise within themselves and others what racism looks and feels like.
How a Singaporean mama forgot to talk to her son about race
Singaporean mama Joline Lim:
This is a story about rojak and race.
My mother came home announcing that she had bought 'rojak' (a local salad dish) for lunch. My 4.5- year-old son overheard me asking her if it was the Chinese or Indian version.
He piped up with his innocent question, 'What is Chinese or Indian?' It was a jaw-dropping moment for me, as I realised that I had never really talked to my son about race! After I recovered, I told him that our family was a mix of Chinese and Indian. I explained how my grandparents' families came to Singapore from India and China, respectively. How my grandfather and grandmother grew up as neighbours, fell in love, and got married.
'Oh, so… which 'rojak' can we eat?' my son wondered aloud.
'We have the choice to eat anything,' I said, smiling while ruffling his hair.
I thought back to stories I had heard growing up. How my grandparents faced alienation for being a mixed-race couple. How my mother was blatantly bullied in school by a racist teacher who said that she was 'dirty' for having dark skin.
My childhood was spared of such cruelty, but receiving unwanted attention was still uncomfortable for a young child. When my grandfather and I took our evening walks to the neighbourhood shops, people would gawk at the scene of a tall, dark-skinned man holding the hand of a little, fair-skinned girl. Occasionally, a curious shopkeeper might remark, 'Good ah – your granddaughter so fair.'
I decided to start telling my son these stories. Pointing to the wedding photo of my grandparents that was on the mantle, I began. I talked about how mixed-race marriages used to be rare and frowned upon. That Singapore now has a great mix of people of different races and nationalities, with much less resistance to anyone befriending or marrying someone outside of their group.
My son nodded as he ate and listened. The significance of what I had shared with him yet to sink in.
Privileged in Singapore
Weeks later, while we were having lunch in the comfort of our home, over 20,000 migrant workers were being quarantined due to the rapid spread of Covid-19 infections. Every day, there were reports of hundreds of migrant workers falling victim to the virus. The situation shone a spotlight on the workers' plight of having to deal with cramped and poorly managed living conditions. It was impossible for the practice of social distancing in such cramped lodging, so the government had to house them in unused spaces like event halls, floating 'hotels' and even a cruise ship.
While I was heartened by the actions of many Singaporeans who came together to provide help and support to the migrant workers in need, I was appalled at the extent of resentment and lack of empathy that I witnessed among the people around me and online. There was a tremendous sense of 'othering.' It felt as if this crisis that was occurring in our backyard was happening in another country altogether.
In May 2020, news came from America that struck a nerve with people across the world. I was with my son in the living room when the evening news on the television reported that a police officer had continued to kneel on a handcuffed man on the street despite being told by the man that he could not breathe, till the man had stopped breathing and died.
In shock, my son asked, 'Why did the police officer do that, Mummy? They are supposed to protect people, not kill people…'
I replied defeatedly, 'Honestly, I don't know why the police officer did such a horrible thing.'
Then he asked me the question that really hit me hard, 'Is it because he's black like your grandpa?'
Dismantling racism together with our kids
Children notice everything on a conscious and subconscious level, as they are trying to make sense of the world they live in. They see a pattern of behaviour, and in their mind, they form the belief that because this is how the world works, that this is the way it should be.
While I am incredibly grateful that Singapore is one of the safest and wealthiest countries in the world, I realise that even a mixed-race person like me has become complacent in my peaceful bubble.
It is too easy to turn a blind eye to covert issues of othering, microaggressions, casual racism, or even blatant discriminatory acts, especially if it does not directly affect you. As parents, it is our responsibility to educate and raise awareness of racial and discriminatory issues with our children, so that they do not grow up thinking this is an acceptable way of life.
If the thought of tackling such deep-rooted issues may seem difficult and overwhelming, you may find comfort and empowerment in these words by American activist, Cleo Wade:
Here are some action points that I have committed myself to so as to help my children learn about race and racism:
Be the change you want to see. We are going to be our children's first resource. Commit to unlearning biased views and educate yourself. Actions speak louder than words. Children pick up social cues from their parents. So pay attention to your body language, tone of voice, and language in your interactions with different people in your day-to-day. Normalise diversity and differences: When your children see you spending time with a diverse group of friends, it normalises diversity. I also like to talk to my son about what makes each person unique and different. I usually use the example of his close friends, pointing out how I noticed they have different preferences from my son. The intention of this conversation is to normalise that each person is different.
Ultimately, the goal is to develop a sense of empathy in our children. Once they recognise that every person is unique, but we all have needs and feelings, it sets the groundwork for building compassion and understanding. Together, we can raise race-conscious kids and dismantle racism, one conversation at a time.
Joline is a Singaporean mom of two. When she has time away from parenting, she enjoys creating content for her personal parenting page, The Learning Parent SG. She also volunteers with the organisation, Chapter Zero Singapore, and advocates for respectful and mindful parenting.
A Singapore expat mom's painful experience with racism
Expat mama Imelda Bonnett from Australia:
My daughter, B, was around 4 years old, playing with one of her best friends. It was a beautiful day and their laughter filled the house with warmth and liveliness. I was supervising and smiling at their sweetness with each other, when her friend declared, 'You have brown skin, that's dirty.' Time slowed as I watched my daughter's face fall, the happy glimmer in her eyes vanish, replaced by welled up tears. Crestfallen and dejected, she began to sob. My heart broke.
It was neither the first nor the last difficult experience in B's young life; experiences that are painful to watch as a mother. Over the years in both Australia (where she was born), and more recently in Singapore (where we now live), there have been other children who called her a 'monkey', pointed at her skin or curly hair, or simply chose not to play with her because of her appearance as a mixed-race child. No child should ever be made to feel like they are less because of their appearance, or the colour of their skin. In fact, no person should ever be made to feel that way. It is unfair. Yet, this is the reality for minority children and people of colour (examples from US, Australia and Singapore; a 2010 study involving 133 children also showed that children are biased towards lighter skin).
The death of George Floyd, an African American man in the custody of a white policeman in Minneapolis USA, and a number of other events, triggered a series of protests that revealed a desperate, oppressed minority who are seeking justice, and who are tired of being treated differently because of their race.
Whilst the situation in the US is complex with a long history of slavery and persecution of African Americans, we would be naïve to think that racism and colourism (discrimination towards darker-skinned individuals) do not exist everywhere else, including Singapore.
Ask yourself if you would switch places with African Americans in America, or with Indigenous Australians in Australia, or with Indians in Singapore? I wouldn't. And if not, why not? Why is it okay? What can we learn from it, and how can humanity move forward towards a peaceful and harmonious existence? Many experts say we can start by raising race-conscious children to do their small part to tackle racism and promote respect, diversity and inclusion.
Step 1: Talk to your children about people with different skin colours, cultures and religions.
My daughter's friend's mum was understandably mortified when I told her about what her daughter said. Like many, she assumed that because her daughter was friends with children of colour, that she did not have to explicitly talk about it.
Talking about differences will help children create more positive attitudes about people who are different from them, and the absence of such discussions could lead a child to draw their own conclusions or take on the (often undesirable) views of others, as they get information and understanding from other places. Based on a Study in Social Psychology and Personality Science, children learn that race is a category, even when parents try to teach them not to recognise race.
It's important not to have just one conversation, but a series of conversations; and start sooner than later, tailoring your message so that it's age- and child-appropriate. If they happen to ask you about something related to the topic, help them explore their curiosity and respond in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental way.
A child in Singapore once pointed at my husband and said, with wide eyes, 'Look at his skin, he's black!' Her parents quickly shushed her and apologised to him. My husband (who is used to these types of interactions by now), calmly said, 'No need to apologise to me, educate your child.' At which point they turned to their child and chastised her, taking out their embarrassment and shame on the poor child. They were a family of colour (though much paler than my husband), which is another example that all of us, even minorities, have biases about skin colour (Bozo, J., Revels-Macalinao, M. & Huynh, V. Examining Skin Color and Discrimination Among Ethnic Minority Adolescents. Race Soc Probl 10, 320–331 (2018)).
Perhaps a better way to ensure that your child knows it's ok to talk about these things is to say, 'Yes, he has dark skin, it means his skin produces more melanin,' [it is not racist to notice skin colour] 'But we shouldn't point at people as it can make them uncomfortable. Maybe we can go over and say hello instead.'
If they don't bring it up first, you should still try to bring up the subject. Don't be scared that you are putting ideas into their minds or making them racist, young children can already notice differences and they are not colour-blind. To say that you don't see colour means that you are turning a blind eye to the bias, racism, and prejudices that people of colour experience as a result of the colour of their skin. Here is an article on why it's not such a good idea to ignore the conversation. Even six-month-old babies notice differences like skin colour and hair, and Professor Kang Lee at the University of Toronto's research revealed that they already show signs of racial bias. Just try not to perpetuate negative stereotypes or repeat any derogatory terms that they might not have heard yet.
The best place to begin is to talk about the people who are already in the child's life who have different skin colour, culture or religion. If they don't know anyone who is different from them then it's time (for you and them) to make new friends! Appeal to the child's sense of fairness and justice (according to the University of Queensland, children as young as 7 are able to grasp the concept). For example, ask the child if it's ok for X (the person they know) to be treated poorly or rewarded less than others, just because of their appearance?
Step 2: Expand your library to include books that celebrate diversity
Read more: 5 Great Childrens' Books on Being a Mixed Race Family
This is also another good way to start discussions around racism and discrimination. A friend's child asked her mother, 'Why do some people not like black people?' after reading a story about Rosa Parks. She fumbled through it and later asked how she should have responded (by the way, it's ok to ask for help, we are all learning!). There are many good ways to respond of course, and one of them could be to say that yes, you have noticed that too, and that it's called racism.
'Racism is when people treat others badly because of their skin colour or where their parents or grandparents are from. It's ridiculous isn't it? And racism is not just about people being mean to each other, back then in the US, black people like Rosa were segregated from white people and could not do a lot of things that white people could. That's why she did what she did. What do you think about that?'
Finally, it is ok to make mistakes. As with everything, it takes practice. The main thing is you tried your best and that although it's difficult, this is important.
Disclaimer: This is my perspective as the mother of a mixed-race child and the wife of a black man. My aim is to raise awareness and not replace or represent the voices of others that are just as valid but may be under-represented. If I have caused any offence, I apologise and invite you to help me learn and do better.
Imelda Bonnett is an Australian of Indonesian Chinese heritage, who made the move to Singapore with her husband and young daughter. She is also a career banker, a certified bodyART™ fitness instructor, and one of the admins of Respectful/Mindful Parenting Singapore Facebook Group. Her other passions include meditation, travelling, singing and clumsily dancing in Zumba classes.
Thank you so much, Joline and Imelda, for sharing your time and personal experience. Follow Chapter Zero Singapore for more resources on respectful and mindful parenting, and talking to kids about race and racism!
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- Straits Times
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PHOTO: ST FILE The years 1939 and 1945 saw the island's earliest safety-first campaigns – the latter taking place after the end of the Japanese Occupation and the post-war return of British rule. Dr Ho Chi Tim, a senior lecturer at the Singapore University of Social Sciences specialising in the history of South-east Asia, says the post-war years accelerated efforts to introduce more regulation and support that were already under way in the 1930s. After the humiliation of the Japanese Occupation, health services, welfare, education and other bread-and-butter issues came to the forefront due to a need to showcase the effectiveness and legitimacy of colonial rule, says Dr Ho. These campaigns – by military authorities, civil police and the department of education – pulled out all the stops. One safety-first campaign reminded motorists to keep to their lanes while driving. PHOTO: ST FILE This meant new signage, thousands of stickers and posters in four languages flooding the city, the introduction of a 'safety week', radio broadcasts, kerbside lectures by mobile police and even a song taught to schoolchildren: 'Look to the left and look to the right. Then you'll never, never get run over.' Again, campaigners got creative. A cinema slide screening titled Traffic With The Devil was shown at cinemas, alongside a car that was wrecked in a real road accident. It was also towed around the city to 'bring home the disastrous consequences of bad driving'. 'Can you stand the burden of having so many children?' Singapore's early family planning campaigns were blunt. PHOTO: ST FILE While modern campaigns might tiptoe around sensitive topics, their colonial predecessors charged ahead with little care for subtlety. ' The funny thing is, I feel like people in Singapore were actually more squeamish later on,' says Dr Jinna Tay, a senior lecturer at the NUS Department of Communications and New Media. 'The early campaigns got quite gritty. They didn't shy away from harsh language and realities.' One slide screening shown in local cinemas by the Singapore Family Planning Association (FPA) depicted a weary Chinese mother with six children, holding empty rice bowls. The accompanying text asked: 'Can you stand the burden of having so many children?' The solution – birth control – was presented in capital letters, followed by instructions for married women to visit a clinic for advice. In response to concerns over the use of contraception, one family planning advocate argued that the risk of harm was far less than the risk of injury or death from abortion, according to an ST report from 1949. Such directness – often using harsh and moralistic language – was a hallmark of pre-independence campaigns because of both the scale of the problems and the audiences they were addressing. Singapore had a literacy rate of just 52.6 per cent in 1960 and universal education had only just begun to take shape, so campaigners reckoned that simple and memorable messaging was needed. A true blue ground-up initiative These campaigns took shape against a backdrop of inequality and poverty. Dr Ho s ays Singapore's early family planning campaigns emerged in a time of overcrowding, women's health issues, children being sold and widespread child malnourishment in the post-war years. At the time, the colonial government introduced child feeding centres that aimed to give every child at least one nutritious meal a day. However, the women who volunteered at these centres frequently had to turn children away due to food shortages. This meant the mostly women volunteers behind the FPA were tackling a problem they saw every day. 'These women didn't have time for niceties – (they wanted to) just get the message out and worry about it later. 'The FPA was one of the true blue ground-up initiatives from sectors of Singapore society,' he says. 'Although, you could argue that section of Singapore society was also the social political elite.' The FPA's efforts helped to arrest Singapore's birth rate by the 1950s and 1960s , before the organisation 'went completely kaput' in 1966 after such family planning initiatives became the purview of the Government . 'After that, you see the Stop-at-Two poster campaigns you are familiar with,' he says. In 1966, the National Family Planning Campaign was launched and the Government embarked on a Stop-At-Two policy. This Two-Girl Poster, as it was called, was meant to highlight that two children, of either sex, were enough. PHOTO: NLB Why campaigns matter The importance of campaigns comes down to the need for community buy-in, says Dr Olivia Jensen, lead scientist at NUS' Institute for the Public Understanding of Risk. She argues that many individual behaviours, even in contemporary society, generate negative societal impact – littering, spitting, wasting water – which are difficult to monitor and enforce against without some form of public awareness of the harms. Singapore's early water campaigns took place against a backdrop of shortage and rationing. PHOTO: ST FILE The water campaigns of the early 1960s saw thousands of 'Don't Waste Water' posters put up across Singapore, alongside dire newspaper headlines like '27 days of water in stock'. 'Water scarcity was at the forefront of these campaigns and of course was so severe that water conservation was inadequate and rationing had to be imposed,' says Dr Jensen. Back then, threats to water security stemmed from inadequate rainfall and inadequate storage, she adds. In contrast, Singapore's water issues in the post-independence years would later become political in nature. While campaigns remain useful today, community buy-in was especially important back then. Dr Edgar Liao, a historian of South-east Asia, notes that the 1940s and 1950s also saw the colonial government preoccupied with the reconstruction of Malaya and Singapore after the destruction of World War II. 'Manpower and funds were scarce, so it was necessary to rally and mobilise the support of the community to address social needs and different sorts of problems – like water shortages, public health crises and so on,' he says. The nation-building project that would emerge in the 1950s and 1960s also aimed to instil a sense of civic-consciousness towards Singapore and Malaya – during a time when many were animated by nationalism towards their ancestral homelands. The changing face of empire The educational – and at times, condescending – tone of Singapore's earliest campaigns reflects the fast-changing realities of life under empire. South-east Asia historian Edgar Liao argues that the modernisation of colonised societies – and the moral protection of children and women in these societies – were intertwined with imperial rhetoric and prestige. Children, especially, were central to these campaigns. The emphasis on shifting generational mindsets appears to be a defining feature of these early campaigns, says Dr Brunero. This was partly because of the youth factor and paternalistic attitudes by colonial authorities. 'There is the colonial mindset that the British see themselves in a sort of paternalistic or maternalistic role,' she adds. 'All colonies are young compared to the metropole.' The colony's population was also young – with 40 per cent aged 14 and under in 1950, according to data from the United Nations Department of Economic and Social Affairs. In 1947, traffic police chief C.J.R. Pembroke told ST during the start of a new safety week that public apathy was the issue: Adults had heard the safety-first message so often that they were indifferent. As such, the police see schools as the most fertile place for road safety instruction. 'The child is the pedestrian of today, the cyclist of tomorrow and the motor driver of the more distant future,' he says. Progressives in Britain and local English-educated middle-class actors were also lobbying colonial governments to do more to protect children and women. Dr Liao says: 'By the 1930s, Britain (especially the Labour Party) had embraced the idea of imperial responsibility for the welfare, protection and upliftment of colonial peoples.' He points to the late 1920s and early 1930s as a period when tens of thousands of children were killed on roads in Britain, inspiring the country to introduce a road traffic act in 1934 and begin educating children about road safety. This likely influenced Singapore's own road safety campaigns. This was just one of many influences of life under empire. Dr Brunero adds: 'From the 1940s onwards , particularly after the war, you begin to have an awareness that rather than just treating people's illnesses, you need to do something preventive.' Anti-spitting campaigns formed just one part of a broad constellation of cleanliness and hygiene campaigns that came into being in the post-war years, which parallel similar public health initiatives at the heart of the empire in London and other colonial holdings. The year 1953 saw the hawkers' union introduce new rules for keeping clean. PHOTO: ST FILE In one 1953 'keep clean' campaign in Singapore, a 3,500-strong hawkers' union laid out five public health rules which included keeping all refuse in dustbins and handwashing before food preparation. As part of this appeal, the union health secretary noted that such rules had been successfully adopted in Hong Kong, another British colony. Naturally, this meant that Singapore should be able to do so too. Even Singapore's status as a green city draws its roots to ideas that were fast gaining ground at the heart of the British Empire. When then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew launched a tree-planting campaign in 1963, these ideas paralleled the rise of the garden city movement in Britain in the early 1900s – which saw greenery as a response to overcrowding and overpopulation in rapidly industrialising cities. Mr Lee's pre-independence campaign sought to plant 10,000 trees a year – half of them by the Government while appealing to home owners to plant the other half. Seedlings were offered at reduced prices from the Botanic Gardens. 'One of the hallmarks of civilisation' In the late 1950s, then Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew was a key proponent of hygiene and cleanliness campaigns. PHOTO: ST FILE Perhaps no theme runs deeper across Singapore's campaigns than cleanliness. This took on greater political significance by the late 1950s as Singapore entered its period of initially shaky self-rule and contestation over the colony's future. In 1958, then Mayor Ong Eng Guan asked the city council to approve a $60,000 campaign to ' clean up the slums and kampongs of Singapore ' – which would involve a new anti-spitting drive, as well as pushes against littering and pests. He also proposed prizes for councillors to encourage them to promote the campaign in their constituencies, as well as awards for the cleanest coffee shop, theatre, hawker stall, factory and school. An enormous symbol of the campaign, a 35 sq ft poster, was later hung from the marble columns of the Singapore city council, featuring a crossed-out image of a spitting man. Singapore's pre-independence public health campaigns came with new rules. PHOTO: THE SINGAPORE FREE PRESS Later, when Mr Lee Kuan Yew held a spring-cleaning drive in 1959, this was his rationale. 'Those who pass through Singapore acknowledge that, rich or poor, the people here are clean and tidy and the city is clean,' he told ST. 'This is one of the hallmarks of civilisation. One can be rich and filthy or poor and clean.' 'Cleanliness and tidiness are indications of the level of civilisation of a people,' he added, in a quote printed alongside an image of him hosing down a market. Referring to that image, Dr Tay says: 'I thought that was just hilarious. That's just so classic.' However, she also identifies a deeper political logic at work. This was a time when intense competition between political actors was ongoing over what constituted progress and modernity for Singapore – and how they should achieve it. Colonial discourse at the time often construed Asia as dirty, messy and smelly. In contrast, colonial spaces were seen as clean, proper and organised. Mass rallies and concerts, such as this one from 1958, to raise awareness have always been part of Singapore's approach to campaigns about public morality. PHOTO: ST FILE 'Singapore was striving to be this idealised form of Asian identity, that we should attempt to look like this kind of Western modernity,' Dr Tay says, arguing that public awareness campaigns served as one way to articulate the narrative of progress and modernity to the public. This was also about class aspiration, she adds. Cleanliness in Britain was historically a luxury of the upper classes, while working-class and rural areas remained squalid. 'All of these things become associated and built into ideas of civilisation,' she says. 'And, yes, a lot of this is about persuading people that this is true.' Campaigns were not without criticism Despite their many successes, these campaigns' paternalism had detractors. In 1948, residents complained about finding their letters from the post office stamped indiscriminately in purple ink that read: 'DO NOT SPIT. Spitting spreads disease.' 'The particular letter received in a Straits Times household which prompted this note contained an invitation to dinner,' wrote one irate reader at the time. 'But in any case this does not appear to be a sound form of propaganda.' Dr Brunero says the intense scale to Singapore's early campaigns was like a 'very blunt instrument'. Such criticism from an increasingly educated populace likely meant the need for new strategies over time. These days, there is a greater awareness that there are better ways to reach people, and how to thoughtfully craft campaigns, she adds. There is also the matter of how public morality has evolved. Family planning advocate and municipal lady health officer Mary Tan argued in 1949 that many families in Singapore were infecting their babies with diseases such as syphilis, as well as 'hereditary diseases like insanity, haemophelia [sic] and idiocy'. 'It is generally recognised,' said Dr Tan then, 'that we are now breeding dysgenically, which means that those whose qualities are such that they should be increasing the population very considerably are not doing so, whereas those less gifted are more prolific.' Invoking such eugenicist belief had not fallen out of favour and would later colour some of the newly independent Republic's family planning policies. Experts say that the rise of feminism, secularisation and an increasingly educated populace meant public awareness campaigns increasingly abandoned the language of shame or moral values. As a historian, Dr Ho says peeling back the layers of archival newsprint is a fascinating exercise in seeing how the colony's values evolved over time: 'We see how the vocabulary changes according to our expectations of how we want to be treated, or how we should treat others and even the environment.' An enduring receptiveness Commuters pose for photos with the Thoughtful Bunch mascots at Siglap station, on June 21, 2024. PHOTO: ST FILE Many of these pre-independence campaigns have clear continuities with their counterparts in post-independence Singapore. 'Keep Singapore Clean' was among the first national campaigns to be launched in independent Singapore in 1968. It would later evolve alongside the garden-city tree-planting drives to become 'Clean and Green'. From anti-tuberculosis awareness to anti-Sars, and from water security to water conservation with the Public Utilities Board's Water Wally, early campaigns show that many of Singapore's long-held anxieties have deeper roots than people might think. Many of these campaigns pioneered tactics still in use today. In Dr Tay's view, what has remained constant through the years is an enduring receptiveness to public awareness campaigns. 'We've actually inherited a very colonial framework of communication with the population, and it hasn't actually changed that much,' she observes. 'The subject of these campaigns has changed, but essentially, the way that we approach these things is pretty much the same.'
