logo
I Thought Dating Women Would Free Me of Unrealistic Beauty Standards—So Why Do I Suddenly Hate the Way I Look?

I Thought Dating Women Would Free Me of Unrealistic Beauty Standards—So Why Do I Suddenly Hate the Way I Look?

Yahoo6 days ago

Welcome to The Afterglow by 'Cosmo' beauty editor Beth Gillette. In her new column, Beth explores the relationships between beauty, queerness, and modern dating through a zillennial lens. 💋
Back in March, I met a girl on Instagram who was, legitimately, flawless. There wasn't a single pimple or blackhead upon her soft face. Her manicured, clean hands showed off just enough rings to signal she was probably gay. Her hip bones, long legs, and sharp jawline in every photo felt like a personal attack. When she, by the grace of all things holy, wanted to go on a date with me, I embarked on a four-day-long spiral, preparing myself to look even close to halfway decent. I did approximately three face masks the night before to look super glowy, used my LED device to help prevent surprise breakouts, and even took a last-minute pilates class to feel toned. Then, she canceled a few hours before. I'm probably just not pretty enough for her, I thought to myself.
I'm not new to days-long pre-date routines. But I am new to dating women. At 28 years old, I'm finally out, but instead of feeling the excitement and queer joy I anticipated, I'm more self-conscious about my appearance than I ever was while dating men. I thought that dating women was going to be this sweet thing, where my flaws were adored and I finally felt freed of the patriarchal ideas of how my body and face are supposed to look. So why do I suddenly hate the way my smile turns down, or notice every single pore on my face? Is this increased discomfort a normal part of the process? Is hating how you look when you first come out an unfortunate universal sapphic experience? Or am I alone here?
The male gaze is simple. Just follow the rules: Don't use too much makeup—just enough to cover up any acne or dark spots, give your lashes some length, and make your lips pillowy-soft and glossy. Keeping your hair long is preferred, but only if your extensions aren't noticeable. Absolutely, under no circumstances should you wear any lipstick color other than nude or red. You must shave. Everything. Nails should be groomed—not too long, not too short. And don't be fat. Obviously.
These standards are frustrating and impossible, but also everything I trained myself to adhere to since childhood. The male gaze is so tied to traditional beauty standards that succumbing to it becomes second nature. I hated how I looked as a teenager because I never thought I was good enough for the boys I was surrounded by. But at least I knew what they wanted and understood the steps to achieve those ideals.
I (wrongfully) assumed dating anyone who wasn't a cisgender man would be uncomplicated and effortless. A beautiful woman would see me across the room, tell me she liked my vibe, and we'd live happily ever after. The rigid conventions of attractiveness wouldn't apply if men weren't part of the equation. With that, my walls would come down and my crippling fear of rejection would tumble with it. My reality couldn't have been farther from this idea.
The female gaze feels different. Scary, even. There's no conventional set of norms to follow. And men have such a macro view of the female body, but women? We notice the small stuff. When you also exist within that body, everything is magnified. You catch uneven eyeliner. You see the grown-out gel manicure. You notice the zit brewing under the skin.
I've had hormonal acne thanks to PCOS and endometriosis since I was 11, but never in my life have I been more adamant about getting rid of it since I started exclusively dating women and nonbinary people. My breakouts are all I can think about when I'm standing face-to-face with someone I think is hot. I've tried any and everything in the name of clearer skin—bacteria-zapping high-frequency wands, painful and pricey pore-shrinking lasers, and I've even considered Accutane.
When my skin is really flaring up, I'll stay home and swipe on Raya from the comfort of my bedroom. When the night ends with no matches, a familiar pang of shame in my stomach creeps in. Is there something inherently so off-putting about how I look that the women of the internet can see that I don't? I look down at my stomach. It was the most 'obvious' flaw I could find: My weight. I wonder, are all people who aren't cisgender men actually more attentive to my flaws? Or am I just projecting my own anxieties?
Many people I spoke to while writing this story noticed an onslaught of new worries—acne, height, hair length, body hair, etc.—when they began queer dating. 'I carried this carefree 'take it or leave it' attitude with dating men, because let's be real, they aren't usually noticing chipped nails or unblended foundation—getting ready was low-pressure,' says Jamie, a 31-year-old DJ I met at a queer prom. 'But with women, my brain goes into hyper-aware teenager mode all over again,' she adds, noting that she becomes overly conscious of these self-perceived imperfections and worries someone she's dating will notice them too.
Like me, my queer friend Ellison worried that women and nonbinary people would notice the 'imperfections' that she doesn't like about herself. But once she started hooking up with people, she realized 'no one cared—even a little bit.' In fact, she says that she feels so beautiful now queer dating, because while her dates don't necessarily notice her 'flaws' more than cisgender men, they certainly do appreciate when she shows out in an outfit she likes or a tries a new beauty look.
Queer dating for the first time has an emotional component that can lead to self-doubt too. 'I was attracted to and had deep feelings for the people I was talking to for the first time, which caused me to be deeply insecure and question nearly everything about myself and my actions out of fear,' says Lux, a 23-year-old in Ohio who came out as a senior in high school after knowing she was gay since childhood. Similarly, Amanda, whom I've known since high school, told me that early in her current relationship, she noticed herself doing a lot of self-monitoring and worrying if she looked 'too gay.'
'I had gotten so used to separating myself from my bisexuality, and I appreciate that, through dating my girlfriend, I have a supportive person to cheer me on,' Amanda says. You have to develop confidence from within, she reminds me, but having someone see her as she is in her sexuality helps build it up even more.
If I'm being honest, I kind of hate this "finding confidence from within" advice for myself, because it's so difficult to implement. But everyone I spoke with, who has far more experience dating queer people than I do, agrees: Finding what you love about yourself within, not through another person, is key here. For me, that started with showing up for myself in queer spaces, which is the most accepting and open community I've ever been apart of. But that doesn't make them perfect. When I'm in a room full of other gay people, I'm forced to put aside my self-doubt if I want to feel comfortable. It would have been easy for me to walk into a queer party and immediately turn around because I was terrified of putting myself out there or being rejected. But I remember that this is part of the process. I'll never feel more reassured if I walk away.
People have also encouraged me that these feelings start to dissipate over time. Lux noticed her self-esteem went up when she finally started having relationships with queer people. She and her partners often shared insecurities, so they understand what it's like firsthand. 'I felt heard and validated for hating every outfit I tried on, taking an hour to get ready, not liking the way my thighs looked in a certain pair of shorts, and feeling insecure about a blemish,' she says.
It's taken me months to come to recognize this, but embracing the parts of me that might not feel ripe for public consumption is part of the vulnerability it takes to find love in the first place. Right now, I don't necessarily feel 100 percent confident in how I look. My chin's covered in acne and my clothes feel tight against my stomach some days. But for the first time, I'm not running away from being myself because of it. I'm not hiding in the closet because I'm afraid of rejection. I feel so proud and excited about being a lesbian, finally. And that (plus lots of therapy) is what's pushing me through.
You Might Also Like
Here's What NOT to Wear to a Wedding
Meet the Laziest, Easiest Acne Routine You'll Ever Try

Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

Jason Isaacs supports Tom Felton for Harry Potter return on Broadway
Jason Isaacs supports Tom Felton for Harry Potter return on Broadway

Yahoo

time41 minutes ago

  • Yahoo

Jason Isaacs supports Tom Felton for Harry Potter return on Broadway

Jason Isaacs has already booked his tickets to see Tom Felton in Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. The 62-year-old actor played Lucius Malfoy - the father of Tom's character Draco - in the Harry Potter movie franchise and he's delighted his former on-screen son will be reprising the role in the Broadway show. He wrote on X: "Saw you presenting on the Tonys tonight son - you looked good, sounded good and did great. Tickets booked for November x." He was responding to a clip of Tom, 37, on the red carpet on Sunday (08.06.25) where he reflected on Jason's performance in The White Lotus. He told E! News: "He's fantastic. He's superb in everything he does. "I've learned so much from him — just as much off screen as I have done on screen... I still call him dad and he still calls me son. "So, hi dad!" While Tom has never appeared on the New York stage before, his Harry Potter co-star Daniel Radcliffe - who played the titular boy wizard in all eight films - has starred in five productions so has been only too happy to offer help and guidance to his friend. Tom told PEOPLE magazine: "My old school chum, Potter, Radcliffe, has done quite a bit of Broadway, so he's holding my hand and certainly helping me through all the things that are hard to learn. "But from what I gather, it's an amazing community of people. The fans are really, really gracious and excited. So I'm just thrilled to be part of it." Meanwhile, Jason has also addressed the latest casting news for HBO's upcoming Harry Potter TV revival, which included Johnny Flynn being revealed as the new Lucius Malfoy. In a video shared on Instagram discussing his former 'Operation Mincemeat' co-star, he said: "I just heard that the great Johnny Flynn with be playing Mr. Malfoy in the new HBO TV series, which is sensational news for Harry Potter fans, which I want because Johnny is a brilliant actor. "Irritatingly, he's a brilliant musician as well, and a really lovely I can't wait to see what he comes up with. "Johnny, if you're watching this, enjoy yourself." Elsewhere on Tuesday (09.06.25), it was confirmed that Lox Pratt has been cast as Draco, while Bel Powley and Daniel Rigby will play Petunia and Vernon Dursley, and Katherine Parkinson is also joining as Molly Weasley.

Tears As Shelter's Longest Resident Dog Watches the Puppies Being Adopted
Tears As Shelter's Longest Resident Dog Watches the Puppies Being Adopted

Newsweek

time44 minutes ago

  • Newsweek

Tears As Shelter's Longest Resident Dog Watches the Puppies Being Adopted

Based on facts, either observed and verified firsthand by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources. Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content. An Instagram reel from the Humane Society of Broward County has left viewers heartbroken as a dog sadly looked on to other puppies getting adopted. In the video, the adult shelter dog named Pretzel watches another dog get adopted while she remains overlooked. Since the video was posted, it has received 16,000 likes and dozens of pleas from Floridians to adopt the dog. "It's just not fair," the Humane Society captioned the reel. "Beautiful girl Pretzel has been waiting for a forever home for almost three months and is officially our shelter's longest resident. Sadly, this is the reality for many adult dogs. While the puppies get adopted quickly, our wonderful adult dogs can wait months to find a family." Stock photo: A dog in a kennel looks outside. Stock photo: A dog in a kennel looks a 3-year-old mother dog, carries a particularly sad past. She was "given up" after raising her puppies for her owner, the caption stated. Described as "gentle [and] a little shy at first," Pretzel is "still trying to understand that people can be kind." Once she feels safe, though, they added that her "true personality shines," and she is playful and affectionate. Her favorite things? Belly rubs, treats, water and taking long sprints outside. "[She] just wants to be part of a family again," the Humane Society concluded. "Pretzel is ready to start over. She's ready for a home where she can feel safe, loved and never left behind again." How Did Viewers React? The sight of Pretzel watching younger, more easily adopted dogs struck a chord with Instagram users. Many expressed overwhelming sadness for overlooked adult dogs compared to puppies in shelters. "I'm so insanely thankful for the workers and volunteers at shelters, because it must wreck their hearts to see these angels everyday getting passed over," one person wrote. Another, dreaming of a grand rescue, shared, "My goal is to buy a house in the ranches so I can adopt them all." One comment highlighted Pretzel's past as a mother. "This broke my heart cause you see she's had litters of puppies, and she must feel so used," the commenter wrote. "Being somewhere where it's a constant reminder of your mistreatment is so heart breaking. Probably has trauma seeing puppies carried away from her as well." The plight of adult dogs like Pretzel is a common challenge in shelters. While puppies often find homes quickly, adult dogs, despite often being house-trained and having established personalities, tend to wait longer. As one commenter pointed out, Pretzel is the "perfect age." "Puppies are a lot of work," they wrote. "Don't get me are worth it, but not everyone has the time or patience to train a puppy. We adopted an adult dog years ago, and she was the most amazing dog. Please someone give this beautiful dog a chance!" Despite the widespread emotional outpouring and expressions of interest on the initial post, there has been no update on Pretzel's adoption status. Newsweek reached out to @humanebroward for comment via Instagram.

率先近賞 Nike Air Max 1000 最新配色「Oatmeal」
率先近賞 Nike Air Max 1000 最新配色「Oatmeal」

Hypebeast

time2 hours ago

  • Hypebeast

率先近賞 Nike Air Max 1000 最新配色「Oatmeal」

Nike話題新作Air Max 1000在去年曝光後,一直受到鞋迷們的熱烈關注,而今回 Instagram 帳戶 @jcheyenne_ 就率先揭曉了此鞋型的新配色「Oatmeal」。 全鞋採用先進的 3D 列印技術製作,鞋面具備無縫、無鞋帶且一體成型的特質,捨棄傳統縫線後呈現出流暢的雕塑感線條。而「Oatmeal」配色是以 Oatmeal/White-Total Orange 色調方案組成,在簡約的中性奶油色上,於中底氣墊加入一抹橙色增添亮點,細節處還能看到鞋面複雜的格柵結構、後跟 air 字樣、Mini Swoosh、Made in Germany 字樣等等。 據悉 Nike Air Max 1000「Oatmeal」將在 2025 年夏季正式登場,售價 $210 美元,有興趣的讀者不妨多加留意。 >Better Gift Shop x Nike Air Max DN8 聯名系列正式登場 >Salehe Bembury 率先公開 Tyrese Haliburton 首款簽名戰靴 PUMA Hali 1

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into the world of global news and events? Download our app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store